Parents gave brother every role- so I feel like walking away

[Anonymous]

I have always been most involved with my parents and have visited, had them for holidays etc.
My brother has visited maybe 6 times in 30 years- good guy- responsible- just doesn’t come around. We both live states away. I’m corporate recruiter with good job successful - so very competent business wise, too.
Now I find out they left my bother as executor and with power of attorney. Never even discussed a thing with me.
Parents are 80.
I’m very hurt and angry about this. I’m the do-er and they basically cut me out of decisions. I’m still 50/50 in will- so financially I don’t think they cut me out- but I think it’s BS they didn’t bring me into conversation about their care/ plans etc.
So on one hand I feel like saying “fine you want to leave it all to him to handle- have at it- see how that goes. He’s visited you 6 times in 30 years - but surely don’t expect me to do all the work and ask his approval.”
I know it’s so immature - but I’m really pissed.
My brother reached out this weekend to ask me to basically help figure out what to do as on that visit to find out the financial stuff he felt they need to be moved out of their home.
So I’m truly not sure how to even respond to his email. He was complicit - he should have said “ we should include Jill in this conversation etc”.
Its s so wrong the way this was handled. I know who does everything- so why should I do all that and have to ask my brother for his approval!
How should I feel/ act? What would other actually do I this situation?

[Anonymous]

Any clue why they chose him?

[Anonymous]

This is a huge burden. Why on earth do you want it?!

I’m in these roles for my parents and I’m not happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Don’t show your brother you are hurt. It’s great that he chooses to involve you - hopefully no evil plans on his part. Help him execute - keep an eye on stuff and make sure you get what’s yours.
They are 80, they may have had all sorts of ideas like “a man should be doing this”.
Just display your readiness to help him, leave the most laborious stuff to him and keep an eye on things. It could be worse!

[Anonymous]

They said their attorney said to leave to oldest. And I’m sure my brother guided them. He always thinks he knows best on everything. And my dad does reach out to him on everything…. Which is also offensive in that I am equally business saavy, educated and fiscally set. However in past felt like that was just the way their relationship was- so never gave it much thought.
But we also take care of my husbands mom, and I am hands on so I know what’s involved. She got both her boys together to go everything- they are both on her accounts - handle togther. One of them does 90% of the care (my husband and I for sure) but point is, she also had attorney guidance and he had been big advocate for having the children share in the conversations and know what’s going on to help plan for the parent.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that I’m sorry that this happened to you OP. It’s got to be both surprising and hurtful that they made this decision when you’re so involved and competent.

[Anonymous]

OP the lawyer probably did tell them to do it this way but I can understand why you are upset. I will tell you that having gone through it with my father’s estate it’s an immense amount of work. I think you should stay involved if your brother is willing but let him do the bulk of it - it’s about time your brother pitches in. If your parents have otherwise treated you well I suggest you let it go.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. Let brother do all the work.

[Anonymous]

I think you feel hurt, disrespected, unappreciated for all your years of loyal support. I totally get that and would feel the same way. It sucks that they didn't at least talk to you about this.

Be that as it may, maybe try and think of this as your brother finally carrying his share of the load. Be available to him in a neutral way. Let him have this burden. If you can let go of your hurt feelings, sounds like this could be a good thing for you since you have so many other responsibilities. Let go of the control here.

That generation is super sexist and probably didn't consider your feelings when they made this choice.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine being upset about this.

[Anonymous]

This is the dumbest "complaint" I have ever heard. OP is already doing 90% of the work for one elderly relative, and is upset that she doesn't have to do the same for 2 others, who don't live nearby?

OP, you should be doing a jig, not being angry about this. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

My parents did the same thing so when they need something I remind them to talk to my sibling. They expect me to do the daily care under her management. We have never gotten alone and she's never taken care of anyone expect herself. I did it for my MIL, it's not something I care to repeat. Let him do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the dumbest "complaint" I have ever heard. OP is already doing 90% of the work for one elderly relative, and is upset that she doesn't have to do the same for 2 others, who don't live nearby?

OP, you should be doing a jig, not being angry about this. Get a grip.

Because she has to talk to him about everything and he controls everything including the money.

[Anonymous]

Your response is pretty immature - maybe they chose him because he is more mature than you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always been most involved with my parents and have visited, had them for holidays etc.
My brother has visited maybe 6 times in 30 years- good guy- responsible- just doesn’t come around. We both live states away. I’m corporate recruiter with good job successful - so very competent business wise, too.
Now I find out they left my bother as executor and with power of attorney. Never even discussed a thing with me.
Parents are 80.
I’m very hurt and angry about this. I’m the do-er and they basically cut me out of decisions. I’m still 50/50 in will- so financially I don’t think they cut me out- but I think it’s BS they didn’t bring me into conversation about their care/ plans etc.
So on one hand I feel like saying “fine you want to leave it all to him to handle- have at it- see how that goes. He’s visited you 6 times in 30 years - but surely don’t expect me to do all the work and ask his approval.”
I know it’s so immature - but I’m really pissed.
My brother reached out this weekend to ask me to basically help figure out what to do as on that visit to find out the financial stuff he felt they need to be moved out of their home.
So I’m truly not sure how to even respond to his email. He was complicit - he should have said “ we should include Jill in this conversation etc”.
Its s so wrong the way this was handled. I know who does everything- so why should I do all that and have to ask my brother for his approval!
How should I feel/ act? What would other actually do I this situation?

If I put myself into their shoes, probably they wanted him to carry some burden and give you some relief.