Reply to I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate.  The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events. [/quote]

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)
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It sounds like everything revolves around the kids.  That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends.  But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. [b]I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.[/b] [/quote]

New poster and older mom (kid is in college). The bold is a good point to think about, OP.

There are friends of proximity and friends with shared interests.

Friends of proximity are ones you make because, well, they happen to be in your same orbit: Other moms from your kids' schools, from your kids' activites, parents of neighbor kids with whom your kid plays because you simply happen to live near each other. Proximity and your kids are what bring you together. Those can become real friendships but most (not all, most) are going to fade as your kids go in different directions, to different schools, into different activities. Nothing wrong with that.

Friends with shared interests are ones you meet due to having something in common as adults besides just your children being the same age/stage/school/activity. Those are the ones folks are mentioning here, like the PP who took guitar lessons and found herself meeting her own, non-kid-centric, not-neighbor friends that way.

There is a LOT of emphasis, when kids are younger, on trying to make "mom friends" and feeling left out if there are no mom friends etc. But think of it this way: They're friends of proximity. And while that can be great -- I've had plenty of them over the years and some have turned into my own, adult friends -- these are not necessarily long-term, deeper friendships. Pursue a lot more friends of shared interest instead. And sure, DO keep seeing other moms from school or the neighborhood or activities, just in ways other than coffee dates. And don't feel like it's on you if they aren't reciprocating.

OP, if you feel you're too busy to make friends through non-kid-related activities, sit down and assess whether your DH and you can work schedules so you start doing things you want to do where you can meet people (And the gym usually isn't it -- everyone is focused on their own goals, getting their workout and heading out, etc.). It will take time but it can happen. Make it a genuine interest of yours, though, and not just something you do solely to meet people. By the way, volunteering at something you feel strongly about is another way to meet people who likely share your values and possibly some interests, while also just doing good. [/quote]

I have heard this before and disagree because most friendships begin thru proximity. College roommates we were randomly assigned to freshman year and others who lived in the hallway nearby or we happened to be in classes together. T
A big starting class of young people at first job right out of school etc. Some of these friendships were good for that period and then faded, others have become friends for decades on. Mom friends are the same way - there will be a funneling effect over time of which friends stick. But proximity is the norm even outside of mom friendships.[/quote]

Proximity is how we [i]meet[/i] a lot of people initially. Those may be friendships which endure if there's more to them over time than just happening to live on the same street or happening to have kids the same age. But OP needs to get out and place herself in situations where she is meeting people who are [u]not[/u] in natural proximity to her--the ones who are not neighbors, classmates' parents, parents at her kids' activities. Friendships aren't working for her with people in those orbits so it's time to look beyond proximity for those initial meetings. It takes more effort and more time but it's starting out with a shared interest to talk about rather than summer vacation plans or what's going on at the kids' school. 
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