Odd visit from DS GF dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why wouldn't you have met him? He is her Father.

(I actually think letting her stay at your house till 9:30pm on school nights is pretty horrible.)

Kindly, shut the f&ck up. You’re either a troll or a weirdo, in either case no one likes you and you have no friends.

This poster is way out of line. The father did nothing wrong. He came to OP's house, asked to speak with his daughter, said something that made her upset, and left 10 minutes later. You know teens can be upset at the drop of a hat, right? If I invited my 17 year old son's girlfriend to stay with us until 9:30pm, and one of her parents showed up to remonstrate with her, I would not feel the father was out of line.

I imagine what he said was: "I was not aware you were seeing a boyfriend at this time of the night. This is not OK, I will be speaking to your mother about this." And all three of them are currently in the midst of an argument about it as we speak.

Or maybe they argued about something completely different. Maybe he's a terrible person. Maybe he loves her and is genuinely worried about her. NO ONE KNOWS. So you shouldn't be judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you spoken to the parents? You may have rules for your home, but they have different rules and it sounds like she should not have been at your house.

Sorry, the custodial parent sets the rules - and the custodial parent is fine with it.

No, both parents set the rules.

No, that's not how it works. Day to day parenting decisions are made by the parent with physical custody on that day. Major decisions, like where she goes to school, or what medical care she receives might be made jointly if he has joint legal custody, but allowing a kid to hang out at a friend's house is not a major decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think 9:30 is late on a school night for older teenagers.
One son has a club that doesn’t even get out until 9 PM. His lacrosse practice is every other night until 7:30.
The other has tennis until 5 or 6, and meets friends at the gym and exercise from 6:30-8:30 PM
High schoolers have odd schedules, and 9:30 isn’t “late”.
(And yes, they have 3.8 GPAs - I know, low by DCUM standards but not bad for the rest of society). They get their homework done, and still have time for clubs, sports, and friends.

It's late enough for teen sex and teen pregnancy, is what we mean, PP. You should get this without us having to spell it out.
The later they hang out, the worse it gets.
This has nothing to do with evening activities. My 12 year old's orchestra gets out at 9pm. Not the same thing at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why wouldn't you have met him? He is her Father.

(I actually think letting her stay at your house till 9:30pm on school nights is pretty horrible.)

The girl is 17, not 12.

+ 1. My kid was a college student while still 17!

Without knowing more it’s hard to say exactly what’s going on as far as controlling dad v. ducking teen. Based on just what’s in the OP, I’d the GF and her mom handle it.

She wasn't dating a 26 year old when she was in college, was she?

Ha! I was 17 when I went to college and moved in with my 26yo BF but did not tell my father. He understandably hit the roof when he found out. Then, when they met, my dad thought he was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would assume that this perhaps not very socially-attuned father suddenly had a freak-out, and this resulted in the encounter you witnessed. In the moment he really wasn't thinking about the consequences of his actions on you, the parents of the boy. He was worried about his daughter, and probably wasn't too pleased to find her at her boyfriend's house, with possibly permissive adults, with an equally permissive custodial ex-wife in the background, allowing this.

In fact, if a post was created on DCUM from the point of view of a distraught dad finding out that his teen daughter is off gallivanting with a boyfriend in the evening, deploring that his ex-wife is allowing this, I'm sure it would garner some sympathy.

So since you don't know this family, and there are two sides to every story... I suggest you move on without judging too much.

You're kidding about judgement right? Calling fulltime parents permissive??

Fulltime, part-time, or non-custodial parenting has no bearing on the belief system of a parent, PP. Some fulltime parents restrict their teen's freedoms significantly, and some do not. I would argue that an authoritarian father is *more* likely to freak out if he only sees his daughter infrequently, just because he's not the one communicating with friends, and parents of friends, trust has not been established, and he will be more suspicious.

This whole story is very predictable. Even before clicking on the link, I knew there would be a freaked-out father from OP's title.

Of course you knew from the title, it literally says odd visit from DS GF dad. I don't think the rest of us opened this expecting to have dad pop in and entertain the family all night long and do magic tricks. If you made the initial comment calling the custodial mom and OP permissive, you are extremely judgmental and dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you spoken to the parents? You may have rules for your home, but they have different rules and it sounds like she should not have been at your house.

Sorry, the custodial parent sets the rules - and the custodial parent is fine with it.

No, both parents set the rules.

No, that's not how it works. Day to day parenting decisions are made by the parent with physical custody on that day. Major decisions, like where she goes to school, or what medical care she receives might be made jointly if he has joint legal custody, but allowing a kid to hang out at a friend's house is not a major decision.

Hence the freak-out.

The person without legal power to influence their child will be the one to freak out more. Psychology 101.

I don't blame him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think 9:30 is late on a school night for older teenagers.
One son has a club that doesn’t even get out until 9 PM. His lacrosse practice is every other night until 7:30.
The other has tennis until 5 or 6, and meets friends at the gym and exercise from 6:30-8:30 PM
High schoolers have odd schedules, and 9:30 isn’t “late”.
(And yes, they have 3.8 GPAs - I know, low by DCUM standards but not bad for the rest of society). They get their homework done, and still have time for clubs, sports, and friends.

It's late enough for teen sex and teen pregnancy, is what we mean, PP. You should get this without us having to spell it out.
The later they hang out, the worse it gets.
This has nothing to do with evening activities. My 12 year old's orchestra gets out at 9pm. Not the same thing at all!

Between homework and activities, ours has no time to hang out during the week. Hard no to 9:30 on a school night or any time during the week at all except maybe a half day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think 9:30 is late on a school night for older teenagers.
One son has a club that doesn’t even get out until 9 PM. His lacrosse practice is every other night until 7:30.
The other has tennis until 5 or 6, and meets friends at the gym and exercise from 6:30-8:30 PM
High schoolers have odd schedules, and 9:30 isn’t “late”.
(And yes, they have 3.8 GPAs - I know, low by DCUM standards but not bad for the rest of society). They get their homework done, and still have time for clubs, sports, and friends.

It's late enough for teen sex and teen pregnancy, is what we mean, PP. You should get this without us having to spell it out.
The later they hang out, the worse it gets.
This has nothing to do with evening activities. My 12 year old's orchestra gets out at 9pm. Not the same thing at all!

Thank you for clarifying that teen sex only happens after 9pm outside of school activities. Thank you for spelling this out for us. Your 12 year old will NOT be a team parent!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would assume that this perhaps not very socially-attuned father suddenly had a freak-out, and this resulted in the encounter you witnessed. In the moment he really wasn't thinking about the consequences of his actions on you, the parents of the boy. He was worried about his daughter, and probably wasn't too pleased to find her at her boyfriend's house, with possibly permissive adults, with an equally permissive custodial ex-wife in the background, allowing this.

In fact, if a post was created on DCUM from the point of view of a distraught dad finding out that his teen daughter is off gallivanting with a boyfriend in the evening, deploring that his ex-wife is allowing this, I'm sure it would garner some sympathy.

So since you don't know this family, and there are two sides to every story... I suggest you move on without judging too much.

You're kidding about judgement right? Calling fulltime parents permissive??

Fulltime, part-time, or non-custodial parenting has no bearing on the belief system of a parent, PP. Some fulltime parents restrict their teen's freedoms significantly, and some do not. I would argue that an authoritarian father is *more* likely to freak out if he only sees his daughter infrequently, just because he's not the one communicating with friends, and parents of friends, trust has not been established, and he will be more suspicious.

This whole story is very predictable. Even before clicking on the link, I knew there would be a freaked-out father from OP's title.

Of course you knew from the title, it literally says odd visit from DS GF dad. I don't think the rest of us opened this expecting to have dad pop in and entertain the family all night long and do magic tricks. If you made the initial comment calling the custodial mom and OP permissive, you are extremely judgmental and dense.

No. I expected a freak out. Odd can mean many things.
Also, I did not specifically call OP permissive. I described this father's probable thoughts. It's likely HE thought they are all way too lenient.

You are misreading posts and insulting people. Please read more carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think 9:30 is late on a school night for older teenagers.
One son has a club that doesn’t even get out until 9 PM. His lacrosse practice is every other night until 7:30.
The other has tennis until 5 or 6, and meets friends at the gym and exercise from 6:30-8:30 PM
High schoolers have odd schedules, and 9:30 isn’t “late”.
(And yes, they have 3.8 GPAs - I know, low by DCUM standards but not bad for the rest of society). They get their homework done, and still have time for clubs, sports, and friends.

It's late enough for teen sex and teen pregnancy, is what we mean, PP. You should get this without us having to spell it out.
The later they hang out, the worse it gets.
This has nothing to do with evening activities. My 12 year old's orchestra gets out at 9pm. Not the same thing at all!

Thank you for clarifying that teen sex only happens after 9pm outside of school activities. Thank you for spelling this out for us. Your 12 year old will NOT be a team parent!!

I did not say that. I said it gets worse the later it is. And I'm right.

My 12 year old will probably not be a team parent, you are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would assume that this perhaps not very socially-attuned father suddenly had a freak-out, and this resulted in the encounter you witnessed. In the moment he really wasn't thinking about the consequences of his actions on you, the parents of the boy. He was worried about his daughter, and probably wasn't too pleased to find her at her boyfriend's house, with possibly permissive adults, with an equally permissive custodial ex-wife in the background, allowing this.

In fact, if a post was created on DCUM from the point of view of a distraught dad finding out that his teen daughter is off gallivanting with a boyfriend in the evening, deploring that his ex-wife is allowing this, I'm sure it would garner some sympathy.

So since you don't know this family, and there are two sides to every story... I suggest you move on without judging too much.

You're kidding about judgement right? Calling fulltime parents permissive??

Fulltime, part-time, or non-custodial parenting has no bearing on the belief system of a parent, PP. Some fulltime parents restrict their teen's freedoms significantly, and some do not. I would argue that an authoritarian father is *more* likely to freak out if he only sees his daughter infrequently, just because he's not the one communicating with friends, and parents of friends, trust has not been established, and he will be more suspicious.

This whole story is very predictable. Even before clicking on the link, I knew there would be a freaked-out father from OP's title.

Of course you knew from the title, it literally says odd visit from DS GF dad. I don't think the rest of us opened this expecting to have dad pop in and entertain the family all night long and do magic tricks. If you made the initial comment calling the custodial mom and OP permissive, you are extremely judgmental and dense.

No. I expected a freak out. Odd can mean many things.
Also, I did not specifically call OP permissive. I described this father's probable thoughts. It's likely HE thought they are all way too lenient.

You are misreading posts and insulting people. Please read more carefully.

Reread your post. You literally tell OP to move on without judging because a paranoid man who doesn't have custody of his kid showed up at her house . . . And its all so "predictable"

I mean maybe if we were watching 20/20 or Dateline but IRL yes I would say OP better keep an eye on this situation.

[Anonymous]

It could be a normal dad or a freaky dad, it’s hard to know because teens are so easily embarrassed by normal behavior.

I would text the mom to let her know he stopped by in case she didn’t hear about it. I’d let her handle it. If he comes again I might start to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think 9:30 is late on a school night for older teenagers.
One son has a club that doesn’t even get out until 9 PM. His lacrosse practice is every other night until 7:30.
The other has tennis until 5 or 6, and meets friends at the gym and exercise from 6:30-8:30 PM
High schoolers have odd schedules, and 9:30 isn’t “late”.
(And yes, they have 3.8 GPAs - I know, low by DCUM standards but not bad for the rest of society). They get their homework done, and still have time for clubs, sports, and friends.

It's late enough for teen sex and teen pregnancy, is what we mean, PP. You should get this without us having to spell it out.
The later they hang out, the worse it gets.
This has nothing to do with evening activities. My 12 year old's orchestra gets out at 9pm. Not the same thing at all!

Thank you for clarifying that teen sex only happens after 9pm outside of school activities. Thank you for spelling this out for us. Your 12 year old will NOT be a team parent!!

I did not say that. I said it gets worse the later it is. And I'm right.

My 12 year old will probably not be a team parent, you are correct.

The time doesn't matter, the presence of parents does. It sounds like OP is present for these hang outs, so why the fixation with the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think 9:30 is late on a school night for older teenagers.
One son has a club that doesn’t even get out until 9 PM. His lacrosse practice is every other night until 7:30.
The other has tennis until 5 or 6, and meets friends at the gym and exercise from 6:30-8:30 PM
High schoolers have odd schedules, and 9:30 isn’t “late”.
(And yes, they have 3.8 GPAs - I know, low by DCUM standards but not bad for the rest of society). They get their homework done, and still have time for clubs, sports, and friends.

It's late enough for teen sex and teen pregnancy, is what we mean, PP. You should get this without us having to spell it out.
The later they hang out, the worse it gets.
This has nothing to do with evening activities. My 12 year old's orchestra gets out at 9pm. Not the same thing at all!

You can get pregnant in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 9:30pm she should be home, not at your house. Not on a school night. Parent better.

Some of you are (a) pure trolls (b) complete losers or (c) weird bible thumping puritans. 9:30? For teenagers?? My ES kids play with friends and at friends houses until 9. Teenagers hang out at night, the world continues on.

I even went to a highly restrictive prep school… weeknight checkin was 9 for juniors and 10 for seniors. And that’s when there is essentially no adult oversight pre-checkin. Hanging out at a BF’s house till 9:30 is a scandal? Grow up Peter Pan.