Best way to approach having to see a friend who ghosted you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you're being a little petty and childish. I doubt there was any ill-intention on her part, sometimes people just get very busy with their lives and need to prioritize. In times like this unless you're a very good friend who has been with her through thick and thin, you don't get top billing on her to do list. It is what it is.

Uh, you are the one being childish, actually.

And I say this as someone who has ghosted someone due to being overwhelmed with other stuff going on in my life and that friendship not making the cut. But I can fully admit now that the way I handled it was childish. I should have reached out and said "Hey, I am going through a lot right now and just don't have the bandwidth for socializing with anyone except maybe my family and a couple very old friends. I wanted to let you know I think you're terrific and me dropping off here has nothing to do with you, and you didn't do anything wrong. I just need to focus on myself right now."

The language you are using indicates that ghosting someone is like punishment for not being as old or dedicated of a friend (no one should be punished for that) and the line 'you don't get top billing on her to-do list" is so gross I don't even want to get into it.

There is room in a situation like this for everyone to be human and get what they need. You don't need to put down OP for having hurt feelings from a situation that is hurtful. It doesn't mean it's intentional or vicious, but it is hurtful and the other woman could have handled it better.

Expecting people to have no feelings about it when you treat them badly is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a mom friend who sort of ghosted me after bailing on plans and telling me she’d call me to reschedule; she never did and this was last summer. I’m going to see her tonight at our kids’ band concert and I have no idea how to act! My go-to would be to do the empty “let’s make plans! let’s not allow so much time to pass between our visits” spiel, but that feels wrong and I don’t want her to think I’m still desperate to hang out, as I’ve moved on. What’s the best way to approach this?

While passing by "mom friend", keep going and, while doing so, smile and wave "Hi Karen. Good to see you." Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're being a little petty and childish. I doubt there was any ill-intention on her part, sometimes people just get very busy with their lives and need to prioritize. In times like this unless you're a very good friend who has been with her through thick and thin, you don't get top billing on her to do list. It is what it is.

Uh, you are the one being childish, actually.

And I say this as someone who has ghosted someone due to being overwhelmed with other stuff going on in my life and that friendship not making the cut. But I can fully admit now that the way I handled it was childish. I should have reached out and said "Hey, I am going through a lot right now and just don't have the bandwidth for socializing with anyone except maybe my family and a couple very old friends. I wanted to let you know I think you're terrific and me dropping off here has nothing to do with you, and you didn't do anything wrong. I just need to focus on myself right now."

The language you are using indicates that ghosting someone is like punishment for not being as old or dedicated of a friend (no one should be punished for that) and the line 'you don't get top billing on her to-do list" is so gross I don't even want to get into it.

There is room in a situation like this for everyone to be human and get what they need. You don't need to put down OP for having hurt feelings from a situation that is hurtful. It doesn't mean it's intentional or vicious, but it is hurtful and the other woman could have handled it better.

Expecting people to have no feelings about it when you treat them badly is not reasonable.

This. It's normal to feel that way. Look, the mom friend may have had a lot going on and maybe didn't want to be friends. That's fine. But she shouldn't pretend it's not hurtful. People need to realize, how they act has an effect on other people. So stop being sh--y.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread shows the differences in social expectations between the Southerners and the Northerners. The Southerners will make sweet noises and say "hi, its been such a long time" while imagining stabbing the other woman in the eye while the Northerners will either cut her dead or glower to make it known, in a Northern way they'd like to stab her in the eye.

So effectively everyone is giving the same advice here, just with the cultural nuances of their region.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just give a quick nod, say hello, and keep moving.

+1. This. Don't make a big deal of it. Smile, hello, hope all is well, keep moving. You don't even need to engage in conversation.
If she wanted to reach out to you, she would've. There's no need to try to make plans again.

Definitely this. Nothing more than “oh, hey there, hope all is well at your house” is needed. If she seems to want to chat more, you were just dashing to the ladies room. She knows where to find you if she really wants to catch up.

[Anonymous]

Just give her a friendly nod and move on.

You don’t owe this person any time, effort, or small talk.

Personally I would ignore her and wait for her to say hi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go with the suggestions that allow the ghoster to hide behind niceties. I would scowl at her until she feels obligated to speak to me then keep the gaze until she opens up about what's going on.

And if she doesn't open up about it, that's what the middle fingers are for!!!!

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows the differences in social expectations between the Southerners and the Northerners. The Southerners will make sweet noises and say "hi, its been such a long time" while imagining stabbing the other woman in the eye while the Northerners will either cut her dead or glower to make it known, in a Northern way they'd like to stab her in the eye.

So effectively everyone is giving the same advice here, just with the cultural nuances of their region.

I’m not getting a north/south distinction? I have no idea where the commenters are from. Most people are right—you just say “hey, good to see you! Your kid was great tonight! Gotta run!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows the differences in social expectations between the Southerners and the Northerners. The Southerners will make sweet noises and say "hi, its been such a long time" while imagining stabbing the other woman in the eye while the Northerners will either cut her dead or glower to make it known, in a Northern way they'd like to stab her in the eye.

So effectively everyone is giving the same advice here, just with the cultural nuances of their region.

I’m not getting a north/south distinction? I have no idea where the commenters are from. Most people are right—you just say “hey, good to see you! Your kid was great tonight! Gotta run!”

Virginia versus Maryland. Fairly standard distinction between North and South

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a mom friend who sort of ghosted me after bailing on plans and telling me she’d call me to reschedule; she never did and this was last summer. I’m going to see her tonight at our kids’ band concert and I have no idea how to act! My go-to would be to do the empty “let’s make plans! let’s not allow so much time to pass between our visits” spiel, but that feels wrong and I don’t want her to think I’m still desperate to hang out, as I’ve moved on. What’s the best way to approach this?

Just say hi, how are you and keep moving OP - no need to be rude. I have met someone who is not who I thought they were, and no big deal, just move on. You don't have to pretend anything, and you don't have to be rude, just be normal. Is that so difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do the empty "let's make plans" thing. Just be friendly and cordial and try to keep the interaction as quick as possible!

+1

Don't offer to make any plans. Pretend you like you didn't notice being ghosted, but keep the interactions friendly and minimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give a polite smile and wave/say hello quickly and keep moving. You don’t need to stop and chat or even ask how she is. Treat her like any distant, amicable acquaintance.

This! No need to make chit chat with someone who has treated you poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows the differences in social expectations between the Southerners and the Northerners. The Southerners will make sweet noises and say "hi, its been such a long time" while imagining stabbing the other woman in the eye while the Northerners will either cut her dead or glower to make it known, in a Northern way they'd like to stab her in the eye.

So effectively everyone is giving the same advice here, just with the cultural nuances of their region.

I'm northern enough that I'm okay with you ghosting me, but then I get to ghost you as needed. In my friend group, we all drop in and out and make fun of each other about it (after making sure nothing terrible happened) but don't hold grudges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do the empty "let's make plans" thing. Just be friendly and cordial and try to keep the interaction as quick as possible!

+1

Don't offer to make any plans. Pretend you like you didn't notice being ghosted, but keep the interactions friendly and minimal.

+1

Other PP here. Agree. Do not bring up making plans - what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows the differences in social expectations between the Southerners and the Northerners. The Southerners will make sweet noises and say "hi, its been such a long time" while imagining stabbing the other woman in the eye while the Northerners will either cut her dead or glower to make it known, in a Northern way they'd like to stab her in the eye.

So effectively everyone is giving the same advice here, just with the cultural nuances of their region.

I'm northern enough that I'm okay with you ghosting me, but then I get to ghost you as needed. In my friend group, we all drop in and out and make fun of each other about it (after making sure nothing terrible happened) but don't hold grudges.

Is that ghosting or just being busy (without announcing how busy you are, a past time for some - usually those who are not at all busy).