Continually get asked if I’m my son’s grandmother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

+1 My younger sister looks much older than me and complains about it all the time, yet refuses to do anything to keep up with her peers. It is unfair, but that is how it is! I wish people wouldn't be unintentionally rude about it but there are a lot of oblivious people out there. You can easily change how you present yourself to the world but you can't change how rude the general public is.

But what you are saying is that in order to look one’s own age—that is, not to try to look “young”— the standard is now that you must get neurotoxins injected into your face. How did this become normalized

Lasers and peels aren’t injections, so no you don’t have to do that.

Everything is relative. If it’s the norm in your socio-economic circle to wear daily sunscreen, use foundation, dye the gray and yes, pay for treatments like Botox or lasers, then you will look order in comparison to them even if you are the same age.

[Anonymous]

Older not order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

Nice try, but I said several times “it’s absolutely fine to do none of those things.” Sure, you can have good grooming and still choose to go gray. That’s fine. What you can’t be is bothered about it. You’re making a choice: own it. Don’t want to be bothered? Don’t go gray in your 30s.

If I were complaining and whining that no one took me seriously at work, and come to find out I was choosing to wear athleisure every day, your response would probably either be make a change, or stop complaining. Same to you!

I’ve never complained about it, and I mentioned that I was bothered when I was younger but understood it was because of my white hair. What I object to is the definition of “taking basic care” with not looking older. I don’t look unattractive, I look 10 years older than I am. I could dye my hair and look younger. I choose not to. I am just pointing out that you have fallen for the fiction that the most important thing about a woman’s appearance is how old she looks.

You literally said you were “bothered.” You don’t get to be bothered about something that is your own choice.

[Anonymous]

I definitely don’t think this is common OP. Good luck with the salon visit. If you don’t like the look, you can always return to the gray and just shake off the comments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

Why would she want to waste so much time money and energy pretending to be 32 when she is 42 hard earned years old. Ignore the foolish questions and don't assume a person caring for a child is mom. grandma. nanny or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

Why would she want to waste so much time money and energy pretending to be 32 when she is 42 hard earned years old. Ignore the foolish questions and don't assume a person caring for a child is mom. grandma. nanny or anything else.

That is all well and good. Make your choices, live your choices, own your choices. But then don’t complain! That’s all I’m saying. Don’t be bothered! Make your choices and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends has a young face but completely gray hair. She gets asked nonstop about her grandchildren.

I think it’s just what happens if you are outside the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that’s annoying. But you should gently correct them. The embarrassment is then theirs, not yours. Dumb people need to be reminded to think before they speak and not assume.

+1.

And don’t dye your hair if you don’t want to. These assumptions need to be challenged and people need to learn to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This just happened. My son (3y) and I are at a diner eating breakfast. The guests in front of us left and as they were leaving, struck up conversation with my son. He said he had a great-niece and said I had to ensure I do everything for her (misgendering my son). He said it a couple of times so it wasn’t an error. I didn’t correct - it happens often because he has soft features and my son didn’t hear it. If he had, I would have said something for my son’s sake.

Anyway, then he asked my son if I was his grandma and said he has to listen to Grandma and no pouting or complaining. To be clear, my son was eating his food and no tantrums at all, stayed in his seat the whole time eating his food so that was just a general comment. It’s just frustrating and happens enough that it makes me wonder if other people think it but don’t say it.

I’m 42, turning 43 this year. I get that I got an older start but it’s demoralizing to be assumed to be my son’s grandmother. I usually don’t correct the person bc that’s more embarrassing and I just want the conversation to end. Am I alone in this? Does it ever end?

Dude, someone thought my younger sister was my mother! She is 3 years younger than me. People are stupid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

This. I'm 51 with young teens. I need to look young enough to have young teens.

[Anonymous]

Who cares? They were strangers. Maybe you do look older, or maybe you don’t. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life.

As far as being miss gendered. I was a girl in the 80s who wore dresses, earrings, and was still asked if I was a boy. Some people just don’t pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I know is I'm 43 and I get asked if I'm the nanny! People say stupid things, try not to ruminate.

Is this possibly a race issue?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you look older than you are. So what? So sick of people being offended by evvvvverything. Yes some people get it wrong when they’re having a conversation with a stranger and it’s NBD to correct them or just let it slide. If it keeps happening then just say at the beginning of a conversation something like “my son and I…” so it establishes your relationship and doesn’t keep the other person guessing, because you’re the kind that would also be offended if they asked.

[Anonymous]

This person has a grand niece?
Maybe they just have bad eyesight or cataracts.

[Anonymous]

I am olive skinned, short, fat, frumpy. One of my sons is a teenager and has movie star looks. The other one is angelic looking blond and green eyed devil. I am constantly being asked if I am the nanny.