Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.

Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.

[Anonymous]

OP, YOU should be apologizing to your MIL and your DH.
Not only were you rude to your MIL, you took joy away from your DH.

You didn’t give him a minute to enjoy his birthday present. Now, he can’t even think about buying something special for himself because he knows that you’ll be mad and an argument will ensue.

He probably would have put some, most or all of it towards the house repairs, but you didn’t give him a chance to do that. You made the decision on what he was going to do with his gift.

If I were your MIL, in the future I would be giving my son his gifts, when we are alone. You’ve also made it where your DH may keep his gifts a secret from you.

I think the amount of the gift, really clouded your judgement. If it was $50 or $100, I have to believe that you would not have acted like that.

[Anonymous]

We all share funds with families! Nobody is saying people should hoard their individual earnings and gifts. Your MIL wanted to give this special gift and you could have waited before alerting her you made plans for it. Nobody cares if that's how he'd spend it in the end.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you said that and then left to go take a walk to cool down. I'd be livid if my spouse embarrassed me like that in front of my family on my birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.

Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.

It isn’t your business to insert yourself between a gift from her to her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you were rude and MIL does not owe you an apology. I can understand what you blurted out when DH opened the envelope because it was impulsive- even though it was wrong. Your MIL correctly responded, and your response to her was flat-out rude, even if true. And I say all this as someone who agrees generally that marital funds are shared, but thinks a birthday gift is just that - a gift to the recipient and not the couple. Just because it’s cash doesn’t change that.

Now the real question - posters almost unanimously are telling you that you were wrong. Will you own it and apologize to your MIL, since you clearly believe someone in this scenario deserves an apology?

I don't understand why I have to apologize to MIL for a comment I made to my HUSBAND. Even if I was wrong MIL has no business getting involved in a comment I made to my husband. It's not her job to correct me.

And yes of course a gift is up to the receiver is for the receiver. But for our marriage our money is always shared whether it's given to me or to him. But MIL doesn't know that so therefore shouldn't comment on it.

I don't think you did anything wrong. I also would assume that a large gift like that would be family money, whether it was given to me by my parents or my H by his parents. You simply made a comment and your husband probably agrees that it's a good use of that money. It would be a different story if your husband didnt want to use the money for home renovations and you forced him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

This. You saw her bristle a bit and you doubled down. I would have just said "oops, you're right, Henry can make the call. What a generous gift" and walked away.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t have said anything in front of her. It was a gift to him. If you want marital finances to be a private matter, discuss them privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

This. You saw her bristle a bit and you doubled down. I would have just said "oops, you're right, Henry can make the call. What a generous gift" and walked away.

I actually agree with this. It's ok that you made the comment but it would have been better if you had done so privately. And when your MIL got upset you shouldve let it go and then just spoken to H about it when you were alone.

[Anonymous]

You were wrong. Sorry, OP. That was a gift from a mother to a son. You inserted yourself, and any conversation about how the money would be spent should have been saved for after your MIL left.

[Anonymous]

I bet this MIL is the type who doesn't even acknowledge her DIL's birthday but gives him a ton of money. $1000 for a birthday gift that's a ton of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.

Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.

It isn’t your business to insert yourself between a gift from her to her son.

It isn't isn't her business to get involved in a comment I made to my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes OP. Agree with everyone that in a nice moment between mother and son, you jumped in with a greedy comment having already decided what to do with your husbands gift before he had the chance. Then doubled down!

What would your mil even apologize for?her comment was just factual. Not nasty. You should apologize or at very least tell your husband not to raise it with his mom.

Even when spouses share things, come on - if your mil had given him a slice of cake would you have jumped forward and bitten it immediately before he had a chance?

Because it was a comment I made to my husband and not her therefore she doesn't get an opinion on it or commentary. She doesn't know what my husband and I have discussed extra money being used towards or what our financial agreement is. A lot of married couples do share finances. We have a what's yours is mine attitude. I don't think our finances and the comments I make to my husband are for MIL to comment on.

And yes if I got $1000 for my birthday from my mother I would expect that I would share it with my husband.

I am aware that a lot of women expect their husbands to share their money while they themselves don't do share but I do share in our marriage.

You were rude. Twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you often feel like people look down on your behaviors? I'm assuming so, from your defensiveness and sticking to the tiny point that she commented on your side conversation as the most offensive thing here. You just have bad manners.

Isn't that kind of the point though.? It'd a conversation I had with my husband not her so not her business to comment on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

Agree!