Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this is a negative way, but sounds like OP needs therapy. Since I doubt all these women had massive changes in physical appearance within 6 months, it sounds like OP is not liking things like women wearing comfy clothes (read sweats) at home, not wearing makeup all the time, etc. And that is so horribly unfair to the women he is dating and sounds very much like an issue OP needs to address within himself. Part of life is time to let down and relax and your partner should be a safe place to do that. I would never consider a relationship with a man who wouldn't let me be in sweats and no makeup after the workday is over without finding me a -2 on the attraction scale.

OP here. I agree there is a time for downtime. But the reverse is true too! Women often complain that men stop "dating them" when they get comfortable. Not me, in several multi-year relationships, I have kept taking my partners out for dinners at upscale/new restaurants. The only difference is when I did this during the first year of dating they made an effort to look sexy and keep the romance. After about a year all of them would start wearing flats, comfy clothes, and then want to crash after dinner. I don't begrudge anyone sweatpants time, but if you don't make an effort to have date nights with some sizzle whereas you advertised you were into that originally, you're phoning it in.

[Anonymous]

It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, or you'll be alone most of your life. But maybe that's what you really want, deep down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this is a negative way, but sounds like OP needs therapy. Since I doubt all these women had massive changes in physical appearance within 6 months, it sounds like OP is not liking things like women wearing comfy clothes (read sweats) at home, not wearing makeup all the time, etc. And that is so horribly unfair to the women he is dating and sounds very much like an issue OP needs to address within himself. Part of life is time to let down and relax and your partner should be a safe place to do that. I would never consider a relationship with a man who wouldn't let me be in sweats and no makeup after the workday is over without finding me a -2 on the attraction scale.

OP here. I agree there is a time for downtime. But the reverse is true too! Women often complain that men stop "dating them" when they get comfortable. Not me, in several multi-year relationships, I have kept taking my partners out for dinners at upscale/new restaurants. The only difference is when I did this during the first year of dating they made an effort to look sexy and keep the romance. After about a year all of them would start wearing flats, comfy clothes, and then want to crash after dinner. I don't begrudge anyone sweatpants time, but if you don't make an effort to have date nights with some sizzle whereas you advertised you were into that originally, you're phoning it in.

That's just weird. Most women I know like to go out once a week if possible, on a date with their husband and will dress up for that as well as for friend get togethers. You went from two months to 1.5 years with these women. Your story keeps changing. Maybe they just think you give off shallow vibes and are wanting to find out if you have anything else that you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.

Yep.

Do not settle. If you do, you will be back here complaining about how the marriage is dead.

Be confident in what you are looking for.

I have a cousin who is like you. He is married to a real life doll. She is always well put together. Always. He is too: handsome, tall and muscular and does not mess with his workout and diet. They are a great match and are happy. They are nice people who just love to look great all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this is a negative way, but sounds like OP needs therapy. Since I doubt all these women had massive changes in physical appearance within 6 months, it sounds like OP is not liking things like women wearing comfy clothes (read sweats) at home, not wearing makeup all the time, etc. And that is so horribly unfair to the women he is dating and sounds very much like an issue OP needs to address within himself. Part of life is time to let down and relax and your partner should be a safe place to do that. I would never consider a relationship with a man who wouldn't let me be in sweats and no makeup after the workday is over without finding me a -2 on the attraction scale.

OP here. I agree there is a time for downtime. But the reverse is true too! Women often complain that men stop "dating them" when they get comfortable. Not me, in several multi-year relationships, I have kept taking my partners out for dinners at upscale/new restaurants. The only difference is when I did this during the first year of dating they made an effort to look sexy and keep the romance. After about a year all of them would start wearing flats, comfy clothes, and then want to crash after dinner. I don't begrudge anyone sweatpants time, but if you don't make an effort to have date nights with some sizzle whereas you advertised you were into that originally, you're phoning it in.

lol OP. good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.

Yep.

Do not settle. If you do, you will be back here complaining about how the marriage is dead.

Be confident in what you are looking for.

I have a cousin who is like you. He is married to a real life doll. She is always well put together. Always. He is too: handsome, tall and muscular and does not mess with his workout and diet. They are a great match and are happy. They are nice people who just love to look great all the time.

so basically… appearances above all else? I wonder if OP is willing to forgo all other qualities to find this “living doll” (and also wonder if he makes the same effort with his appearance.) And is he going to demand she be a “living doll” always, and get upset when she is 2 months post-partum still wearing nursing pajamas to bed?

I know a guy like OP who had similar unreasonable standards about women being “living dolls.” We dated for a while, but I couldn’t take it an broke up. I his case, it went along with a deep vein of “traditional” expectations about women, and serious insecurity on his part. It was sad because he was otherwise a person I really liked and we had a great time together. Oh, forgot to mention, the sex was BAD. If a woman gets the idea her appearance is being criticized in bed, it’s not gonna be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing if this is happening well into a relationship, but 6 to 10 months for the attraction to go from a 8 to a -2? That suggests you aren't that attracted in the first place or there is something else that is going on beyond her behavior.

Could OP be gay? It’s not normal to lose sexual attraction after not even a year just because she wears sweatpants and less makeup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing if this is happening well into a relationship, but 6 to 10 months for the attraction to go from a 8 to a -2? That suggests you aren't that attracted in the first place or there is something else that is going on beyond her behavior.

Could OP be gay? It’s not normal to lose sexual attraction after not even a year just because she wears sweatpants and less makeup.

Yeah. If they’re fit, most women look cute in sweatpants. OP seems like he wants a blow up doll, not a human woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing to also factor in is aging.

What matters to you in your 20's and 30's changes in your 50's and 60's.

I know that you cannot understand how you will change over time...but you will. Or you should (i.e. with life experience, your priorities should mature/evolve).

This. OP, consider the fact that in the not too distant future, neither you nor your partner will be physically attractive. Parts will sag and wrinkle. Hair will gray and fall out. Teeth will get weird. You will shrink, and get that old person smell. Joints and members won't work that well. The mental and emotional connection is what will endure.

I hate this argument. That's like saying that someone should miss out on what it's like to have a vibrant physical connection (while many other people get to enjoy that) since we're all headed to death's door anyway. In the long run we're all dead, as Keynes said. Sure, but can't one want to have what others experience along the way?

I mean, it doesn’t sound like OP has a “vibrant physical connection” with any women ever. Ok yes, a total slob might kill attraction. But after *six months* of dating - that should be getting into the good stuff, specifically because you DO feel more comfortable with each other. Sex happens with clothes off (mostly!). If there was a good physical connection to begin with you should be able to say “baby put on those heels and let me bend you over.” If OP’s boner is being killed because his GF does not wear a full face of makeup on her WFH day, something else is going on. I almost wonder if OP has a problem with intimacy and cannot emotionally/physically connect when his GF becomes more familiar and knows him more deeply than appearances.

[Anonymous]

Good luck finding a partner above 22 y/o, Leonardo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.

Yep.

Do not settle. If you do, you will be back here complaining about how the marriage is dead.

Be confident in what you are looking for.

I have a cousin who is like you. He is married to a real life doll. She is always well put together. Always. He is too: handsome, tall and muscular and does not mess with his workout and diet. They are a great match and are happy. They are nice people who just love to look great all the time.

so basically… appearances above all else? I wonder if OP is willing to forgo all other qualities to find this “living doll” (and also wonder if he makes the same effort with his appearance.) And is he going to demand she be a “living doll” always, and get upset when she is 2 months post-partum still wearing nursing pajamas to bed?

I know a guy like OP who had similar unreasonable standards about women being “living dolls.” We dated for a while, but I couldn’t take it an broke up. I his case, it went along with a deep vein of “traditional” expectations about women, and serious insecurity on his part. It was sad because he was otherwise a person I really liked and we had a great time together. Oh, forgot to mention, the sex was BAD. If a woman gets the idea her appearance is being criticized in bed, it’s not gonna be fun.

No.

You can have appearance and so many other things if these things are important to you.

Consider me and my DH for example.
If we cut the amount of time we spend web surfing/ warching nonsense in half and spend that on self care, we would be a very good looking couple. But we don't see the point to it. Other people do.

We would not have to sacrifice a any of our time with family and friends to achieve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.

Yep.

Do not settle. If you do, you will be back here complaining about how the marriage is dead.

Be confident in what you are looking for.

I have a cousin who is like you. He is married to a real life doll. She is always well put together. Always. He is too: handsome, tall and muscular and does not mess with his workout and diet. They are a great match and are happy. They are nice people who just love to look great all the time.

I think everyone sees some part of this and most of the conflict here is about assuming ill-intent on another party.

I will say that I don't think OP has fully considered why is criteria might be problematic for women. Namely, there is a fine line between "I want to feel that you are always putting in the effort to look nice" and "I always want you to look nice". Women know that beauty is powerful and fleeting. That's not to say you can't look great at 50+. But it is substantially more difficult to manage than at 25, 30, or even 35. So making a commitment like that is anxiety inducing, because it's not just keep on keeping on. It's an expanding portfolio of work. And that's assuming that you can absolutely trust that the man is seeking the effort, and not the result. Because there will always be someone younger and new for whom the result is easier to achieve. And this hasn't even touched on the difficulties associated with the other parts of your life that grow and take up the space you spent on dating in your twenties: kids, work, charity, aging parents, home maintenance, and your own health.

I would also like to say that I think OP misses the mark when addressing his own contributions on this point. What is required of men, particularly heterosexual men, is laughable next to what's considered standard for women. You go to the gym and wear appropriate clothing. Elaborate hairstyle? Not necessary. Make-up? No. Men's clothing can vary based on the event, but basically none of it wouldn't allow you to work construction. Sure, it would be shame to get sawdust on $500 Italian leather shoes or some limited edition sneakers, but you could still move about the job site. . That's not true for sheath dress and heels. Basically any men's garment that isn't comfortable has been all but eliminated mainstream fashion.

It's not to say that OP hates women or anything like that. It just that he seems unaware of why things might change in a relationship. It's almost as though he wants to freeze everything at a good moment and say this when things were good for me any change is bad. I suspect most women, even without a considered plan on the point, will move on from the job interview phase of dating and want someone more comfortable for them in a marriage or long-term partnership. They're going to care more about how things go when they aren't looking their best than how much fun they had at the Michelin star restaurant and fancy concert.

It's ok that you have different priorities, but that will make it harder to find the person that shares your view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you just sound like a classical poly man type. Nobody would be ever good enough for you because you really can't have a monogamous long relationship. You need constant stimulation with new partner. There are many guys like that in their mid 50s still single on OLD.

LTR and marriage is not for everyone.

I don't think so. I like the idea of being with one person. And I realize that newness is always different. I'm not asking for butterflies all over again. But it comes down to effort. I try to live each day/week/year being the best version of myself I can be. I may not have the genetics to have an 8-pack and 20 inch arms, but I'm going to maximize what I can achieve with raw effort. I'm going to wear the nicest and most flattering clothes I can afford, and continue to groom in ways that maximize my attractiveness the same way I did on my first date night. What I don't understand is why I seem to end up with women who do backflips in the bedroom for the first year and are always wearing heels, bronzer, and "sexy" outfits on date nights but then trade that in for cardigans and duty sex a year later. I can't seem to find someone who wants to inspire me and vice versa so that monogamy is as fresh as it can be. I'm not asking for new, I'm asking for your best effort day in and day out.

Have you ever considered being with the reverse? A woman who doesn't do all of that at first? Or can you not get it up for that?

[Anonymous]

Look for women in an appearance-based industry where it's important to always look put together.
Meet women at the gym.
Find a woman in that 10% with a high sex drive.

She may be more likely to cheat but men who are like this are, too.