Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry

[Anonymous]

Has anyone dealt with this before? My issue is it feels shallow, but it also feels unfair to not be able to look at your partner with that excitement in your eyes. Here's the rub: everyone tells me I just haven't met "the one." But I'm not so sure it isn't something wrong with me. I just can't get out of this cycle where I meet someone who is good on paper and there IS attraction, but after the "honeymoon" period ends, the physical attraction/chemistry goes from an 8 to a -2. Even when the compatibility is strong. It sucks, but I'm starting to think I'd be better off being alone for good, which is a sad thought. Never married, mid 30s if it matters. Don't care about having kids either way. Just don't want to die alone, but also don't want to be with someone who I'm not physically strongly attracted to. And I mean physically. For me loving someone and being compatible with them doesn't move the needle on raw physical attraction.

[Anonymous]

If this happens frequently it may be a "you" issue. Once or twice you can get by with the infatuation and honeymoon stage being over. But it happens with multiple relationships you have to wonder if you're self sabotaging or if you have an issue that you don't realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this happens frequently it may be a "you" issue. Once or twice you can get by with the infatuation and honeymoon stage being over. But it happens with multiple relationships you have to wonder if you're self sabotaging or if you have an issue that you don't realize.

I will fully admit it's a "me" problem. One thought I've had is that maybe the "best I can do" isn't someone who is going to be physically attractive to me in the long run. When you combine the fact that most people put their best foot forward and are in their "peak" attractiveness and sexual openness early in the relationship, someone who starts dating you could meet your basic attraction needs, but over time no longer do so. The part that I honestly think makes me weird is that most of my friends tell me the deep connection and compatibility "makes up for" the declines in physical attraction that will occur. In fact, some tell me their physical attraction is influenced by their mental/emotional bonding. I've literally never had that happen, and I'm not attachment avoidant at all! I bond with these people and I love them in the sense that I would sacrifice for them and care deeply about their well-being, but purely on a physical arousal level, it just isn't there after they get comfortable.

[Anonymous]

It's you OP, but don' t despair. Trust yourself and keep looking.

I am very easily sexually attracted to someone at the beginning ( and I still do have crushes all the time), but it takes a lot of certain characteristics for that attraction to be maintained for longer than a month or two . I am constantly told by people who are not close to us that there is no way my DH is the way he is most of the time. Those characteristics that enable me to mentally bond with him stand out whereever we go.

I always knew this is who I was, so I just kept dating and breaking up after a month or two until I met DH.

For the most part, we are who we are ( yes therapy can help move that a little bit, but not always and not completely). There is something you need for you to mentally bond with a guy. Find out what it is, embrace it and find the guy out there for whom that specific thing comes naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this happens frequently it may be a "you" issue. Once or twice you can get by with the infatuation and honeymoon stage being over. But it happens with multiple relationships you have to wonder if you're self sabotaging or if you have an issue that you don't realize.

I will fully admit it's a "me" problem. One thought I've had is that maybe the "best I can do" isn't someone who is going to be physically attractive to me in the long run. When you combine the fact that most people put their best foot forward and are in their "peak" attractiveness and sexual openness early in the relationship, someone who starts dating you could meet your basic attraction needs, but over time no longer do so. The part that I honestly think makes me weird is that most of my friends tell me the deep connection and compatibility "makes up for" the declines in physical attraction that will occur. In fact, some tell me their physical attraction is influenced by their mental/emotional bonding. I've literally never had that happen, and I'm not attachment avoidant at all! I bond with these people and I love them in the sense that I would sacrifice for them and care deeply about their well-being, but purely on a physical arousal level, it just isn't there after they get comfortable.

What would you have to do to get the kind of physical attractiveness that you like over the long term? Do it.

Stop fighting who you are. Don't waste time when the attraction is gone. Break up and move on.

[Anonymous]

Become a nun. It’s a beautiful meaningful life

[Anonymous]

Is the OP a man or woman? Heterosexual relationship?

[Anonymous]

OP the problem is you don't have an adult understanding of the ebb and flow of relationships and that long term you have to put effort into remaining attracted to your partner and not compare them to some unrealistic Disney fantasy ideal. You probably come from a broken family from an early age so never had a healthy long term relationship modeled for you. You probably don't have any close friends from childhood that came from stable families either as a substitute. You never learned how to love someone long term. So good luck with the cats and box of wine. Its kind of late to only wake up in your mid 30s and realize this pattern in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the problem is you don't have an adult understanding of the ebb and flow of relationships and that long term you have to put effort into remaining attracted to your partner and not compare them to some unrealistic Disney fantasy ideal. You probably come from a broken family from an early age so never had a healthy long term relationship modeled for you. You probably don't have any close friends from childhood that came from stable families either as a substitute. You never learned how to love someone long term. So good luck with the cats and box of wine. Its kind of late to only wake up in your mid 30s and realize this pattern in your life.

Meh.

There are men out there who are just as shallow.

She has to find those, and they will be happy together.

There is something wrong with all of us. That hasn't stopped many of us from finding satisfying relationships.

She is dating the wrong people.

[Anonymous]

How do we know OP is a woman?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is shallow, OP. I think it is important.

You need to be attracted to a spouse. That attraction is really important. They can be the best person in the world, just not the best for you. That's OK.

This is not shallow. This is the rest of your life you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

I think it's rare for someone to find someone who's a 10 in terms of all the types of chemistry--physical, emotional, intellectual. Most of us compromise somewhere in there. But I think you need a minimum of each one.

[Anonymous]

Your chemistry is telling you this person is not a good mate for you. I'd listen to your body.

[Anonymous]

What is your gender OP?

It is absolutely normal for a new partner to engender more sexual attraction/excitement.

Someone can only be new once.

If that feeling is important to you, then you cannot commit to a longterm, monogamous relationship.

Decide which you value more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this happens frequently it may be a "you" issue. Once or twice you can get by with the infatuation and honeymoon stage being over. But it happens with multiple relationships you have to wonder if you're self sabotaging or if you have an issue that you don't realize.

I will fully admit it's a "me" problem. One thought I've had is that maybe the "best I can do" isn't someone who is going to be physically attractive to me in the long run. When you combine the fact that most people put their best foot forward and are in their "peak" attractiveness and sexual openness early in the relationship, someone who starts dating you could meet your basic attraction needs, but over time no longer do so. The part that I honestly think makes me weird is that most of my friends tell me the deep connection and compatibility "makes up for" the declines in physical attraction that will occur. In fact, some tell me their physical attraction is influenced by their mental/emotional bonding. I've literally never had that happen, and I'm not attachment avoidant at all! I bond with these people and I love them in the sense that I would sacrifice for them and care deeply about their well-being, but purely on a physical arousal level, it just isn't there after they get comfortable.

I think it's somewhat normal to not have that same physical attraction level after many years.

I'll tell you that after being married for 20 years, the physical part of the relationship isn't as important. I'd rather be with someone who loves me and is kind but the physical attraction isn't that high, than with someone whom I am physically attracted to but is not as good to me.

I was with a few guys whom I was very attracted to physically, but they did not treat me as well as my DH. Long term, being compatible and treating each other well are more important than the physical attractiveness.