Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You are doing something wrong.

I have girlfriends who will not step out of their bedrooms without looking very good.

Your radar for these kids of women is off. I am not sure how you fix it, but these women are out there. You just haven't met the right one. Keep looking.

The ones I’ve had long term relationships with are like that for 6-10months. Then the slow slide to comfort town begins. Meanwhile I keep my routine of hitting the gym, dressing nicely, basically still trying to be the same person who attracted them to begin with. It’s not reciprocated. And same for sexual appeal/availability.

If it keeps happening, and you don't think it's a "you" problem, then your selection criteria are in need of improvement. This might be difficult because if you have been selecting for obvious qualities like physical appearance, chemistry, sex appeal, enthusiasm, NRE, etc., you might be ignoring more abstract qualities which make for a better chance of a successful long term relationship. That would include that your partner acknowledges the importance of actively working to remain physically attractive to you rather than perhaps getting lazy after 6-10 months.

What are your core values? You need to really think about that. After you get that figured out, you have to try to be that person in your own life, and then, you need to try to only spend time with people who share those values, and not waste time dating people who don't.

In your case, one of those values might be, "My partner places a high importance on doing his/her best to work at remaining as physically attractive and appealing to me as he/she possibly can over the long term." Of course, you have to also be committed to being that same kind of partner yourself. And that's only a single example of a value that you need to think about and select for.

What are your values in a partner? In yourself? Why do you think a super-partner who will work at remaining attractive to you over the long term, should want to pair up with you in the first place? Do you bring anything to the table other than "meh"? That would make a potential partner actually CARE about your feelings? Only you can answer this for yourself, but you need to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You are doing something wrong.

I have girlfriends who will not step out of their bedrooms without looking very good.

Your radar for these kids of women is off. I am not sure how you fix it, but these women are out there. You just haven't met the right one. Keep looking.

The ones I’ve had long term relationships with are like that for 6-10months. Then the slow slide to comfort town begins. Meanwhile I keep my routine of hitting the gym, dressing nicely, basically still trying to be the same person who attracted them to begin with. It’s not reciprocated. And same for sexual appeal/availability.

If it keeps happening, and you don't think it's a "you" problem, then your selection criteria are in need of improvement. This might be difficult because if you have been selecting for obvious qualities like physical appearance, chemistry, sex appeal, enthusiasm, NRE, etc., you might be ignoring more abstract qualities which make for a better chance of a successful long term relationship. That would include that your partner acknowledges the importance of actively working to remain physically attractive to you rather than perhaps getting lazy after 6-10 months.

What are your core values? You need to really think about that. After you get that figured out, you have to try to be that person in your own life, and then, you need to try to only spend time with people who share those values, and not waste time dating people who don't.

In your case, one of those values might be, "My partner places a high importance on doing his/her best to work at remaining as physically attractive and appealing to me as he/she possibly can over the long term." Of course, you have to also be committed to being that same kind of partner yourself. And that's only a single example of a value that you need to think about and select for.

What are your values in a partner? In yourself? Why do you think a super-partner who will work at remaining attractive to you over the long term, should want to pair up with you in the first place? Do you bring anything to the table other than "meh"? That would make a potential partner actually CARE about your feelings? Only you can answer this for yourself, but you need to be honest.

Add this:

It takes a very disciplined person to look good all the time. If a woman looks like she is all over the place, she will not maintain, no matter how good looking she is. And you should know that since you are similar.

[Anonymous]

It's one thing if this is happening well into a relationship, but 6 to 10 months for the attraction to go from a 8 to a -2? That suggests you aren't that attracted in the first place or there is something else that is going on beyond her behavior.

[Anonymous]

What are they actually doing with their bodies or looks that makes you see this? Or are you just bored?

Sounds kind of nit picky if they are changing that much in such a short time period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are they actually doing with their bodies or looks that makes you see this? Or are you just bored?

Sounds kind of nit picky if they are changing that much in such a short time period.

Right? How does one change so much to go from an 8 to a -2 in six short months?

[Anonymous]

OP you just sound like a classical poly man type. Nobody would be ever good enough for you because you really can't have a monogamous long relationship. You need constant stimulation with new partner. There are many guys like that in their mid 50s still single on OLD.

LTR and marriage is not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I had a gf who was very attractice but not compatible. I had trouble completing the act and she never enjoyed it very much with me. It was embarassing and unexpected because she appeared to be my type. We didn't make it past month 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a gf who was very attractice but not compatible. I had trouble completing the act and she never enjoyed it very much with me. It was embarassing and unexpected because she appeared to be my type. We didn't make it past month 2.

He has this issue with multiple women, not one GF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing to also factor in is aging.

What matters to you in your 20's and 30's changes in your 50's and 60's.

I know that you cannot understand how you will change over time...but you will. Or you should (i.e. with life experience, your priorities should mature/evolve).

This. OP, consider the fact that in the not too distant future, neither you nor your partner will be physically attractive. Parts will sag and wrinkle. Hair will gray and fall out. Teeth will get weird. You will shrink, and get that old person smell. Joints and members won't work that well. The mental and emotional connection is what will endure.

[Anonymous]

Attraction goes to -2???
That mean you are totally repulsed by the person. Maybe you are gay but in denial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing to also factor in is aging.

What matters to you in your 20's and 30's changes in your 50's and 60's.

I know that you cannot understand how you will change over time...but you will. Or you should (i.e. with life experience, your priorities should mature/evolve).

This. OP, consider the fact that in the not too distant future, neither you nor your partner will be physically attractive. Parts will sag and wrinkle. Hair will gray and fall out. Teeth will get weird. You will shrink, and get that old person smell. Joints and members won't work that well. The mental and emotional connection is what will endure.

I hate this argument. That's like saying that someone should miss out on what it's like to have a vibrant physical connection (while many other people get to enjoy that) since we're all headed to death's door anyway. In the long run we're all dead, as Keynes said. Sure, but can't one want to have what others experience along the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing to also factor in is aging.

What matters to you in your 20's and 30's changes in your 50's and 60's.

I know that you cannot understand how you will change over time...but you will. Or you should (i.e. with life experience, your priorities should mature/evolve).

This. OP, consider the fact that in the not too distant future, neither you nor your partner will be physically attractive. Parts will sag and wrinkle. Hair will gray and fall out. Teeth will get weird. You will shrink, and get that old person smell. Joints and members won't work that well. The mental and emotional connection is what will endure.

I hate this argument. That's like saying that someone should miss out on what it's like to have a vibrant physical connection (while many other people get to enjoy that) since we're all headed to death's door anyway. In the long run we're all dead, as Keynes said. Sure, but can't one want to have what others experience along the way?

If he can afford always f..ing much younger women and have several kids - I would say go ahead with that! But few men are able to date much younger as they "shrink and stink" themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a gf who was very attractice but not compatible. I had trouble completing the act and she never enjoyed it very much with me. It was embarassing and unexpected because she appeared to be my type. We didn't make it past month 2.

He has this issue with multiple women, not one GF

I was worried about that, but fortunately that hypothesis appears not to be verifiable. I think the problem was that she wanted very aggressive (borderline violent) sex and i'm not into that. ("I don't want you to make me bleed, but...") Physically, the next few women were much happier with me and I was much happier with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you just sound like a classical poly man type. Nobody would be ever good enough for you because you really can't have a monogamous long relationship. You need constant stimulation with new partner. There are many guys like that in their mid 50s still single on OLD.

LTR and marriage is not for everyone.

I don't think so. I like the idea of being with one person. And I realize that newness is always different. I'm not asking for butterflies all over again. But it comes down to effort. I try to live each day/week/year being the best version of myself I can be. I may not have the genetics to have an 8-pack and 20 inch arms, but I'm going to maximize what I can achieve with raw effort. I'm going to wear the nicest and most flattering clothes I can afford, and continue to groom in ways that maximize my attractiveness the same way I did on my first date night. What I don't understand is why I seem to end up with women who do backflips in the bedroom for the first year and are always wearing heels, bronzer, and "sexy" outfits on date nights but then trade that in for cardigans and duty sex a year later. I can't seem to find someone who wants to inspire me and vice versa so that monogamy is as fresh as it can be. I'm not asking for new, I'm asking for your best effort day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this is a negative way, but sounds like OP needs therapy. Since I doubt all these women had massive changes in physical appearance within 6 months, it sounds like OP is not liking things like women wearing comfy clothes (read sweats) at home, not wearing makeup all the time, etc. And that is so horribly unfair to the women he is dating and sounds very much like an issue OP needs to address within himself. Part of life is time to let down and relax and your partner should be a safe place to do that. I would never consider a relationship with a man who wouldn't let me be in sweats and no makeup after the workday is over without finding me a -2 on the attraction scale.