Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry

[Anonymous]

She once had a husband who was sick of having sex with her...

[Anonymous]

One thing to also factor in is aging.

What matters to you in your 20's and 30's changes in your 50's and 60's.

I know that you cannot understand how you will change over time...but you will. Or you should (i.e. with life experience, your priorities should mature/evolve).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She once had a husband who was sick of having sex with her...

Look more closely. She has a fairly good body, but look at thst face!! A female Steven Tyler. I can see how once the ego trip of being married to a super model wears off, having to look at that face every morning with no make up especially if she turned out to have a cra@@y personality would get old rather quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this happens frequently it may be a "you" issue. Once or twice you can get by with the infatuation and honeymoon stage being over. But it happens with multiple relationships you have to wonder if you're self sabotaging or if you have an issue that you don't realize.

I will fully admit it's a "me" problem. One thought I've had is that maybe the "best I can do" isn't someone who is going to be physically attractive to me in the long run. When you combine the fact that most people put their best foot forward and are in their "peak" attractiveness and sexual openness early in the relationship, someone who starts dating you could meet your basic attraction needs, but over time no longer do so. The part that I honestly think makes me weird is that most of my friends tell me the deep connection and compatibility "makes up for" the declines in physical attraction that will occur. In fact, some tell me their physical attraction is influenced by their mental/emotional bonding. I've literally never had that happen, and I'm not attachment avoidant at all! I bond with these people and I love them in the sense that I would sacrifice for them and care deeply about their well-being, but purely on a physical arousal level, it just isn't there after they get comfortable.

I think it's somewhat normal to not have that same physical attraction level after many years.

I'll tell you that after being married for 20 years, the physical part of the relationship isn't as important. I'd rather be with someone who loves me and is kind but the physical attraction isn't that high, than with someone whom I am physically attracted to but is not as good to me.

I was with a few guys whom I was very attracted to physically, but they did not treat me as well as my DH. Long term, being compatible and treating each other well are more important than the physical attractiveness.

You are correct, but it's complicated.

Everyone has a threshold of physical attraction. When that threshold is met, then people move on to other qualities.

I like tall guys. They can be big, they can have a limp, but they have to be tall.

Most people will not consider me shallow based on the men I have dated and my DH ( I am being objective here: we are both average) but that height threshold has to be met for me to be attracted to someone.

OP's threshold may be higher. She needs to figure it out what it is and find a man who meets it. I think she is trying to set her standards based on other people's expectations, and she is dating men who do not meet her threshold because she is afraid of being alone. Well, you are more likely to end up alone by wasting time with people who can't hold your attention.

She can make other compromises that don't matter as much to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She once had a husband who was sick of having sex with her...

Look more closely. She has a fairly good body, but look at thst face!! A female Steven Tyler. I can see how once the ego trip of being married to a super model wears off, having to look at that face every morning with no make up especially if she turned out to have a cra@@y personality would get old rather quickly.

We will believe you when we see your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You maybe a covert narcissist

[Anonymous]

The chemistry starts as a 8? Be honest here… was it really that good ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You maybe a covert narcissist

Love it, as soon as it’s revealed that OP is a man and not a woman all empathy and effort to help are thrown out the widow. Too predictable DCUM, too predictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You are doing something wrong.

I have girlfriends who will not step out of their bedrooms without looking very good.

Your radar for these kids of women is off. I am not sure how you fix it, but these women are out there. You just haven't met the right one. Keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You are doing something wrong.

I have girlfriends who will not step out of their bedrooms without looking very good.

Your radar for these kids of women is off. I am not sure how you fix it, but these women are out there. You just haven't met the right one. Keep looking.

The ones I’ve had long term relationships with are like that for 6-10months. Then the slow slide to comfort town begins. Meanwhile I keep my routine of hitting the gym, dressing nicely, basically still trying to be the same person who attracted them to begin with. It’s not reciprocated. And same for sexual appeal/availability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You are doing something wrong.

I have girlfriends who will not step out of their bedrooms without looking very good.

Your radar for these kids of women is off. I am not sure how you fix it, but these women are out there. You just haven't met the right one. Keep looking.

The ones I’ve had long term relationships with are like that for 6-10months. Then the slow slide to comfort town begins. Meanwhile I keep my routine of hitting the gym, dressing nicely, basically still trying to be the same person who attracted them to begin with. It’s not reciprocated. And same for sexual appeal/availability.

Are there women( sisters? Already married friends?) in your circle you can ask to help you find these kinds of women?

Most women step it up at the beginning, but there are some some women who are always on. I am fascinated by these women. As a guy it might be harder for you to distinguish, but other women will know who to introduce you .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

You are doing something wrong.

I have girlfriends who will not step out of their bedrooms without looking very good.

Your radar for these kids of women is off. I am not sure how you fix it, but these women are out there. You just haven't met the right one. Keep looking.

The ones I’ve had long term relationships with are like that for 6-10months. Then the slow slide to comfort town begins. Meanwhile I keep my routine of hitting the gym, dressing nicely, basically still trying to be the same person who attracted them to begin with. It’s not reciprocated. And same for sexual appeal/availability.

If the chemistry dies that quickly (6 months?) it was not that great to begin with. Also great chemistry is there even if you dress comfortably.

[Anonymous]

^ and the above applies for finding women who always look good.

I have no idea how sexual availability works.

The nymphs in my circle are the low maintenance women ( yeah, we overshare). It might be a conincidence, but I have no idea how that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1. I am a straight man
2. No broken family here, parents married 40+ years
3. It’s not about “newness” it’s that the women I’ve bonded with get comfortable and stop trying to “bring it” like they did when we first started dating. I suppose this is normal, but even if my “bindings goes up and the emotional connection is stronger, it doesn’t mitigate the physical chemistry being meh.

Im a woman married 12 years and im here to tell you not to marry someone with whom chemisty goes away. The chemistry DH and i have doesnt have any newness any more but it’s still VERY MUCH there. Sorry for the typos.