ending a situationship when the other person does not think it is a "situationship"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

Jesus Christ, mid-40s in a "situationship." Society really is going to hell in a handbasket.

I’m divorced. I have kids. I am not interested in remarriage. This is absolutely better for my kids. There is nothing wrong with this. It is better than sleeping around. I had an almost completely sexless marriage. Stop judging. I wanted something casual for a long time. I am still not interested in something serious because I am not impacting my kids. I met someone who I feel is more engaged and is also on the same page as me. Kids are the priority.

Frankly, this is what a lot of married people NSA are like. I don’t think you owe that much to a sex relationship. Just say it’s not working and end it. No need to meet in person, he just wants to have sex when you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I appreciate the comments that it is okay not to meet in person. I thought I might meet in person in a public place but not at my house because I just feel it has run its course. I started the conversation before on the phone and he seemed surprised and said it seemed like I was throwing a good thing away. I just don’t feel connected after this long due to what to me, is committed but casual and infrequent.

Look, it would be pretty crazy to think that after 18 months of NOT meeting out in public for dates, you're now obligated to go on a date in order to break up with him.

You can do that if you want, but you are definitely not required. If his feelings are hurt, his feelings are hurt - people get hurt feelings all the time. You aren't engaged to the guy, or even seriously dating him, and obligated to have a proper send-off. Don't be a jerk - tell him you've enjoyed your time together - but you aren't obligated to spend more time in public together breaking up than you ever did when you were actually hanging out!

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you want from this person?

You don't want to marry again. You are divorced with kids. You don't want more kids. You are 45. You don't want a serious relationship.

One can presume that you also want someone who also does not want kids, does not want to get married.

What do you bring to the table? It is only ever going to be a sex relationship. I think what you are objecting to is that you want to be treated like a girlfriend. You want someone to have sex more frequently with you, text every day, take you for a date etc. Isn't that what you want?

Well, there is no future with you with this particular man. He is also a sad sack who lives with his parents. (Asian? Indian?) He cannot introduce you to his parents because you are the manifestation of his failure to launch. If he had options in life, he would not have picked you. The same goes for you. Are you the same race as him?

What you are reacting to is the reality that he may be the best that you can have. In the meanwhile, if you want to date others, you should go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want from this person?

You don't want to marry again. You are divorced with kids. You don't want more kids. You are 45. You don't want a serious relationship.

One can presume that you also want someone who also does not want kids, does not want to get married.

What do you bring to the table? It is only ever going to be a sex relationship. I think what you are objecting to is that you want to be treated like a girlfriend. You want someone to have sex more frequently with you, text every day, take you for a date etc. Isn't that what you want?

Well, there is no future with you with this particular man. He is also a sad sack who lives with his parents. (Asian? Indian?) He cannot introduce you to his parents because you are the manifestation of his failure to launch. If he had options in life, he would not have picked you. The same goes for you. Are you the same race as him?

What you are reacting to is the reality that he may be the best that you can have. In the meanwhile, if you want to date others, you should go ahead.

Let me explain it in clearer terms so you can stop making assumptions.

I want to see someone once a week. I don't need daily texting but a few times a week is good. He does not live with his parents. His cousin lives with him and his other family is nearby and stop by too frequently so I can't go there and he comes to me occassionally when I am kid-free. I don't need to be treated like a girlfriend. I need more consistent communication and sex. Seeing someone once or twice a month is not worth it to me. That is what it is with him and he will go for a week without communication. That is too inconsistent for me. I brought this up and he says it is because we are both busy...which is true...but I want more reliability after this much time.

I have a line of men when I want, thanks...so I don't appreciate the put downs. He is a nice person but is inexperienced in relationships, so that is why I feel he thinks this is more than it is. He still thinks it could be more. I don't want "more"; I just want more consistency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I appreciate the comments that it is okay not to meet in person. I thought I might meet in person in a public place but not at my house because I just feel it has run its course. I started the conversation before on the phone and he seemed surprised and said it seemed like I was throwing a good thing away. I just don’t feel connected after this long due to what to me, is committed but casual and infrequent.

Look, it would be pretty crazy to think that after 18 months of NOT meeting out in public for dates, you're now obligated to go on a date in order to break up with him.

You can do that if you want, but you are definitely not required. If his feelings are hurt, his feelings are hurt - people get hurt feelings all the time. You aren't engaged to the guy, or even seriously dating him, and obligated to have a proper send-off. Don't be a jerk - tell him you've enjoyed your time together - but you aren't obligated to spend more time in public together breaking up than you ever did when you were actually hanging out!

+1 this was 2 people getting their fix. Communication scattered mainly to set up sex dates is not a real relationship. It’s like calling the escort service and requesting the sane girl each time.

[Anonymous]

You are describing a sex affair in marriage:

. Seeing someone once or twice a month is not worth it to me. That is what it is with him and he will go for a week without communication. That is too inconsistent for me. I brought this up and he says it is because we are both busy...which is true...but I want more reliability after this much time.

This isn’t a real relationship so you can cutoff via call or text and cut off communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I appreciate the comments that it is okay not to meet in person. I thought I might meet in person in a public place but not at my house because I just feel it has run its course. I started the conversation before on the phone and he seemed surprised and said it seemed like I was throwing a good thing away. I just don’t feel connected after this long due to what to me, is committed but casual and infrequent.

Look, it would be pretty crazy to think that after 18 months of NOT meeting out in public for dates, you're now obligated to go on a date in order to break up with him.

You can do that if you want, but you are definitely not required. If his feelings are hurt, his feelings are hurt - people get hurt feelings all the time. You aren't engaged to the guy, or even seriously dating him, and obligated to have a proper send-off. Don't be a jerk - tell him you've enjoyed your time together - but you aren't obligated to spend more time in public together breaking up than you ever did when you were actually hanging out!

Totally agree that having a first date in order to break up is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are describing a sex affair in marriage:

. Seeing someone once or twice a month is not worth it to me. That is what it is with him and he will go for a week without communication. That is too inconsistent for me. I brought this up and he says it is because we are both busy...which is true...but I want more reliability after this much time.

This isn’t a real relationship so you can cutoff via call or text and cut off communication.

He is not married. But, yes, the description would apply if he was.

[Anonymous]

Based on your description I would say that this guy sees you as a person he likes somewhat but you are essentially no more than a booty call and are providing him "free" services when it's convenient for him.

Of course he doesn't want to give that up!

If he is religious and has a misogynistic culture, he probably would call you something else but I will defer from doing that.

[Anonymous]

^ You don't need to offer him any explanations. Just stop contact with him and taking him on as an occasional appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

That's because he wants to manipulate into not ending because he doesn't want to give up the sex. Come on sister. There's nothing wrong with a situationship/FB, but that's what this is and you aren't obligated to continue it.

Exactly. He is getting sex with practically no effort on his part. Why would he want to give that up? Just call or text him and be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ You don't need to offer him any explanations. Just stop contact with him and taking him on as an occasional appointment.

I have already backed way off and I mentioned on the phone that I am not sure about the situation anymore and he wants to meet in person because he is convinced there’s more to this than there is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ You don't need to offer him any explanations. Just stop contact with him and taking him on as an occasional appointment.

I have already backed way off and I mentioned on the phone that I am not sure about the situation anymore and he wants to meet in person because he is convinced there’s more to this than there is.

If you are willing to be convinced, meet up with him. If you are done, text or call and tell him you are now sure and it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ You don't need to offer him any explanations. Just stop contact with him and taking him on as an occasional appointment.

I have already backed way off and I mentioned on the phone that I am not sure about the situation anymore and he wants to meet in person because he is convinced there’s more to this than there is.

But you're not. So tell him that you've enjoyed the time together, and you're moving on, and you wish him well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

That's because he wants to manipulate into not ending because he doesn't want to give up the sex. Come on sister. There's nothing wrong with a situationship/FB, but that's what this is and you aren't obligated to continue it.

He sounds married, even if he fed you a story.

Break it off over the phone. I know you're dreading it, but you'll feel a lot of relief once it's over and done with.