ending a situationship when the other person does not think it is a "situationship"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Have you dated other people with kids? It can be a pain. If I was dating and didn't want anything super serious, I'd definitely prefer to date the 40 yo with no kids. I know it's not entirely on point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

Uhm, that is none of your business. Aside from the fact that it's casual, they've been together for 18 months. At what point does your highness think it's ok for the kids to meet your partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you dated other people with kids? It can be a pain. If I was dating and didn't want anything super serious, I'd definitely prefer to date the 40 yo with no kids. I know it's not entirely on point.

OP here...I have avoided men with kids for this reason and have only dated men about 5 years younger without kids. However, I like this guy I met recently. He also does not want to remarry so we are good there. Problem with 40 yo with no kids is that I really feel it will blow up later...He knows I feel this way. He is from the Middle East. This has happened to me before. It has been fine so far but I know that it will never be more than this. And that has been okay for a long time, but when I am getting attention from someone on a daily basis, it feels better than what I have had with the 40 year-old, especially when I feel that it will blow up at some point (as it has in the past). I can't go to his house where he lives with a cousin and his mom and uncle drop by unannouced all the time (he is religious). I have been fine with because I don't want something serious, but I would like more attention and I am getting that from someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

Uhm, that is none of your business. Aside from the fact that it's casual, they've been together for 18 months. At what point does your highness think it's ok for the kids to meet your partner?

This "partner" is a sex partner and not part of my daily life (sometimes texts and phone calls). The answer to that in this scenario, is NEVER. No one meets my kids in that circumstance. The ONLY circumstance is if I remarry...but I am never doing that. So, if my kids are adults (many years away) and I have a boyfriend, it would be "maybe" only. There is not a timeline limit. It has to do with marriage or not. I am not remarrying so no one meets my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you dated other people with kids? It can be a pain. If I was dating and didn't want anything super serious, I'd definitely prefer to date the 40 yo with no kids. I know it's not entirely on point.

OP here...I have avoided men with kids for this reason and have only dated men about 5 years younger without kids. However, I like this guy I met recently. He also does not want to remarry so we are good there. Problem with 40 yo with no kids is that I really feel it will blow up later...He knows I feel this way. He is from the Middle East. This has happened to me before. It has been fine so far but I know that it will never be more than this. And that has been okay for a long time, but when I am getting attention from someone on a daily basis, it feels better than what I have had with the 40 year-old, especially when I feel that it will blow up at some point (as it has in the past). I can't go to his house where he lives with a cousin and his mom and uncle drop by unannouced all the time (he is religious). I have been fine with because I don't want something serious, but I would like more attention and I am getting that from someone else.

PP back. That makes perfect sense. I wouldn't be able to stay in that situation long term, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

You can call me Jesus if the first guy is not in a serious relationship.

How can you be so gullible, OP?

Never been to his house, can only meet family when you are ready to be his wife, goes for a week without any communication. He sounds like a man with a fiance or serious girlfriend on the side.

She sounds like the side piece in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

You can call me Jesus if the first guy is not in a serious relationship.

How can you be so gullible, OP?

Never been to his house, can only meet family when you are ready to be his wife, goes for a week without any communication. He sounds like a man with a fiance or serious girlfriend on the side.

She sounds like the side piece in that situation.

OP here: I literally explained the situation after the initial comment about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

It's up to you to choose. If you don't want to see him you can say no.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to feel you owe meeting him in person. Just call it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

OP...no my kids are not involved in my dating life. Of course not. Crazy unless you are getting married. I will never remarry. (I don't know why people assume people introduce men to kids...I don't know anyone who does that unless marriage is on the table.)

People do this, but that's neither here nor there.

Break it off. This guy is stringing you along and my guess is:

-he's either telling you the truth about his situation and it will never go further than where it is right now or if it does it will be a massive heartache situation when his family strenuously objects (you are basically Jenny in the Jenny/Sumit saga on 90 Day Fiance) OR

-he is married and has kids and is lying to you.

Break it off. It's run its course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

That's because he wants to manipulate into not ending because he doesn't want to give up the sex. Come on sister. There's nothing wrong with a situationship/FB, but that's what this is and you aren't obligated to continue it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

You can call me Jesus if the first guy is not in a serious relationship.

How can you be so gullible, OP?

Never been to his house, can only meet family when you are ready to be his wife, goes for a week without any communication. He sounds like a man with a fiance or serious girlfriend on the side.

She sounds like the side piece in that situation.

OP here: I literally explained the situation after the initial comment about this.

No you did not.

What's the point of giving us half information that tells a completely different story from what you portray

As far as we are concerned he is a cheat or has dead bodies at his house.

You posted, we responded. That's how it works.

[Anonymous]

Don't meet in person OP. If he indeed believes what you've described here is a relationship and has never had you over because of his family's views, those are huge red flags indicative of someone who wants to meet in person to *convince* you to stay with him and frankly, you have no idea if he could flip the script to "if I can't have her no one will."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

Uhm, that is none of your business. Aside from the fact that it's casual, they've been together for 18 months. At what point does your highness think it's ok for the kids to meet your partner?

This "partner" is a sex partner and not part of my daily life (sometimes texts and phone calls). The answer to that in this scenario, is NEVER. No one meets my kids in that circumstance. The ONLY circumstance is if I remarry...but I am never doing that. So, if my kids are adults (many years away) and I have a boyfriend, it would be "maybe" only. There is not a timeline limit. It has to do with marriage or not. I am not remarrying so no one meets my kids.

Super unrealistic and kind of insane, but it's your life so you do you.