ending a situationship when the other person does not think it is a "situationship"

[Anonymous]

I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

OP...no my kids are not involved in my dating life. Of course not. Crazy unless you are getting married. I will never remarry. (I don't know why people assume people introduce men to kids...I don't know anyone who does that unless marriage is on the table.)

[Anonymous]

Break it off.

[Anonymous]

You should break up with him because you are more interested in someone else, but you should not spend time minimizing and dismissing his feelings. Putting this in “situationship” territory only because he doesn’t have kids is ridiculous and telling him that he can’t really have feelings because he hasn’t had a long term relationship is very condescending. You’re just not feeling it, so find some kind but straightforward way to say that instead of acting like there’s something wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

You’re his first relationship and he’s 40? Yes, break it off.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to break it off. I would try to avoid getting into debates about definitions with him. He's demonstrated he doesn't want what you want. I think a simply "I'm sorry but it's just not working for me" is enough. Personally, I don't see the point of breaking up in person, but I guess for a nice, non-threatening person I'd been seeing for a while I'd be willing to for their benefit.

[Anonymous]

Clean break, and don’t meet up. You owe him a phone call but the fact he was upset already makes me think seeing him will just cause more drama. He had plenty of time to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should break up with him because you are more interested in someone else, but you should not spend time minimizing and dismissing his feelings. Putting this in “situationship” territory only because he doesn’t have kids is ridiculous and telling him that he can’t really have feelings because he hasn’t had a long term relationship is very condescending. You’re just not feeling it, so find some kind but straightforward way to say that instead of acting like there’s something wrong with him.

What I am leaving out is this: We have never been on an actual date, never watched a movie, never had coffee, never had a meal together. I don't see how he can think this is anything but casual. It has basically only been sex since we met. We met in public a few times for long walks before that but there was never anything else. I have seen him once or twice a month for 18 months. I don't know how anyone could feel this is anything but casual. Intermittent communication is a situationship. I don't think there is something wrong with him per se, but I do think it is accurate that this is casual and has been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should break up with him because you are more interested in someone else, but you should not spend time minimizing and dismissing his feelings. Putting this in “situationship” territory only because he doesn’t have kids is ridiculous and telling him that he can’t really have feelings because he hasn’t had a long term relationship is very condescending. You’re just not feeling it, so find some kind but straightforward way to say that instead of acting like there’s something wrong with him.

What I am leaving out is this: We have never been on an actual date, never watched a movie, never had coffee, never had a meal together. I don't see how he can think this is anything but casual. It has basically only been sex since we met. We met in public a few times for long walks before that but there was never anything else. I have seen him once or twice a month for 18 months. I don't know how anyone could feel this is anything but casual. Intermittent communication is a situationship. I don't think there is something wrong with him per se, but I do think it is accurate that this is casual and has been.

Just break it off. You know that's what you need to do, all the details don't really matter.

[Anonymous]

Break it off- you're not on the same page about your situation. Neither one of you is changing the other's mind, but each holding their own view of 'reality.' For lasting partnership, you have to *want* to be on the same page.

[Anonymous]

You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

You can call me Jesus if the first guy is not in a serious relationship.

How can you be so gullible, OP?

Never been to his house, can only meet family when you are ready to be his wife, goes for a week without any communication. He sounds like a man with a fiance or serious girlfriend on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should break up with him because you are more interested in someone else, but you should not spend time minimizing and dismissing his feelings. Putting this in “situationship” territory only because he doesn’t have kids is ridiculous and telling him that he can’t really have feelings because he hasn’t had a long term relationship is very condescending. You’re just not feeling it, so find some kind but straightforward way to say that instead of acting like there’s something wrong with him.

What I am leaving out is this: We have never been on an actual date, never watched a movie, never had coffee, never had a meal together. I don't see how he can think this is anything but casual. It has basically only been sex since we met. We met in public a few times for long walks before that but there was never anything else. I have seen him once or twice a month for 18 months. I don't know how anyone could feel this is anything but casual. Intermittent communication is a situationship. I don't think there is something wrong with him per se, but I do think it is accurate that this is casual and has been.

Okay, got it. I'm sure he likes you and it's a super easy sexual relationship that he doesn't want to give up but you owe him no extended discussions about why you are moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

You can call me Jesus if the first guy is not in a serious relationship.

How can you be so gullible, OP?

Never been to his house, can only meet family when you are ready to be his wife, goes for a week without any communication. He sounds like a man with a fiance or serious girlfriend on the side.

He is not married; nor does he have a girlfriend. I am not an idiot. I thought of this first a long time ago and confronted. He has a good explanation but I won't get into it.