ending a situationship when the other person does not think it is a "situationship"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

Ef him then. Send a text

[Anonymous]

Such drama over an F-Buddy. Just ghost him.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has Asperger's, OP, and to him things are very black and white. He's either in a relationship or not in a relationship, and so he has decided, given these two options, that he is in a relationship - and technically he's correct. You are. Just not the one you want. So knowing he might be inflexible and rigid in his thinking, you need to explain it from his perspective. Say you want to be in a closer relationship with someone else you have just met. The truth can help you.

(My husband and son are Aspie. They appreciate being told things directly so they don't have to guess, and they also have very black and white thinking.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just step up and own the fact that you are done with the first guy and want to stop seeing him. That's ok! You don't need to find excuses or explain it away. It honestly doesn't matter if he agrees. For any kind of relationship to work, both people need to be into it - if one person is done, it's ok to end it. Even if the other person doesn't really want to. Stop worrying about what he wants or thinks, and focus on what YOU want. You don't have to be an a-hole about it, but you also don't have to twist yourself into knots trying to convince him that it's better this way. Just end it (with as much kindness as possible) and move on.

Thanks, I need to hear this. I tried to set the tone of ending it in a phone call but he wants to meet in person. That is the issue.

That's because he wants to manipulate into not ending because he doesn't want to give up the sex. Come on sister. There's nothing wrong with a situationship/FB, but that's what this is and you aren't obligated to continue it.

I know a lot of guys in situations like that that meet in person to break up just to get one more bang in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he has Asperger's, OP, and to him things are very black and white. He's either in a relationship or not in a relationship, and so he has decided, given these two options, that he is in a relationship - and technically he's correct. You are. Just not the one you want. So knowing he might be inflexible and rigid in his thinking, you need to explain it from his perspective. Say you want to be in a closer relationship with someone else you have just met. The truth can help you.

(My husband and son are Aspie. They appreciate being told things directly so they don't have to guess, and they also have very black and white thinking.)

Me again. If he's Aspie, he may have feeling for you, even though it seemed like a transactional relationship. It can be very hard for someone like this to connect in a normal way. Please don't assume bad intentions, that's all I'm saying. Be firm but kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he has Asperger's, OP, and to him things are very black and white. He's either in a relationship or not in a relationship, and so he has decided, given these two options, that he is in a relationship - and technically he's correct. You are. Just not the one you want. So knowing he might be inflexible and rigid in his thinking, you need to explain it from his perspective. Say you want to be in a closer relationship with someone else you have just met. The truth can help you.

(My husband and son are Aspie. They appreciate being told things directly so they don't have to guess, and they also have very black and white thinking.)

OH MY GOD. NOT EVERYONE HAS ASPERGER'S OR ADD/ADHD. Please for the love of God, stop.

OP, just tell the guy you don't want to see him anymore and move on with your life. You've never even been on a real date. You haven't seen his house. You don't owe him anything, not even any effort to figure out his deal. Just end it.

[Anonymous]

Under no circumstances would I meet in person, OP. He is not taking your "no" seriously and who knows how he may lash out in anger? As a mom, don't take the risk. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I appreciate the comments that it is okay not to meet in person. I thought I might meet in person in a public place but not at my house because I just feel it has run its course. I started the conversation before on the phone and he seemed surprised and said it seemed like I was throwing a good thing away. I just don’t feel connected after this long due to what to me, is committed but casual and infrequent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break it off nicely and then pursue the other person. Your post convinced me that's what you should do! Also, hope you are not introducing these guys to your kids.

Uhm, that is none of your business. Aside from the fact that it's casual, they've been together for 18 months. At what point does your highness think it's ok for the kids to meet your partner?

This "partner" is a sex partner and not part of my daily life (sometimes texts and phone calls). The answer to that in this scenario, is NEVER. No one meets my kids in that circumstance. The ONLY circumstance is if I remarry...but I am never doing that. So, if my kids are adults (many years away) and I have a boyfriend, it would be "maybe" only. There is not a timeline limit. It has to do with marriage or not. I am not remarrying so no one meets my kids.

Super unrealistic and kind of insane, but it's your life so you do you.

There is nothing unrealistic about it. I am not the only person who keeps kids separate from dating unless it is leading to marriage. Remarrying is not something I would ever do. When kids are adults, that may be different. No reason to involve kids unless it impacts their life. Dating does not have anything to do with them. I only date on kid-free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such drama over an F-Buddy. Just ghost him.

Ghosting after 18 months is horrible. I would not do that.

[Anonymous]

I think this guy is just inexperienced and a bit backwards and thinks your purely sexual relationship is something more. Call him on the phone and break-up with him. Be firm- there is no reason to meet in person and prolong the agony. This relationship doesn’t sound normal even for FWB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

Jesus Christ, mid-40s in a "situationship." Society really is going to hell in a handbasket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have had what I would call a “situationship” for 18 months.

Background: I am mid-40s, divorced with kids and won’t remarry. Guy just turned 40, never married, no kids and insists he never wants kids.
I do like him but to me it feels casual in that we don’t see each other enough. Part of me really likes this because I don’t want to remarry and don’t have time for super serious relationship but then the other part of me feels that I should be feeling “more” at this point. Certain things about this guy are shady (I have never been to his place but he lives with a family member and in his culture, you don’t show off girlfriends…only wives). We text and talk on the phone but mostly it is just sex. I have been good with this for a long time.

However, I met someone else who seems very into me. He has his own set of red flags (but he has more in common…divorced with kids), but I really like him and he is in constant communication, and it feels more like it should feel, if that makes sense.

I told the first guy that I have been feeling that I am not sure about this situation for a long time and he mentioned I had mentioned that before.He does not agree this is a situationship or is casual. One reason…I have always felt it is a matter of time before it ends due to him not having kids but he insists I am wrong. He was pretty upset this week when I mentioned this and said he does not think this is casual. (He has never had a long term relationship ever so I think he lacks knowledge of what a real relationship is…he will go for a week without communicating, for example, and 18 months in, that is not normal. He wants to talk in person. Ugh. I think I just need to end it. The chemistry is good and he is nice but I really want to pursue this other person I recently met.

Any advice?

Jesus Christ, mid-40s in a "situationship." Society really is going to hell in a handbasket.

I’m divorced. I have kids. I am not interested in remarriage. This is absolutely better for my kids. There is nothing wrong with this. It is better than sleeping around. I had an almost completely sexless marriage. Stop judging. I wanted something casual for a long time. I am still not interested in something serious because I am not impacting my kids. I met someone who I feel is more engaged and is also on the same page as me. Kids are the priority.

[Anonymous]

You’re overthinking it, OP. He’s a FWB. I agree with others that he wants to meet at your place for one last hoorah. Don’t believe it? Ask him to meet for coffee. The cultural incompatibility is a turn off. I’m rooting for the new guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such drama over an F-Buddy. Just ghost him.

Ghosting after 18 months is horrible. I would not do that.

She already told him she wanted to end things. Saying you want to end things and then going silent is breaking up not ghosting.