MIL wants to take kids out of the country without us

[Anonymous]

Look. I personally would do it. I regularly send my children a 6 hour flight away in the company of au pairs and it’s a wonderful experience for all involved. But why does it matter what I think? If you’re not comfortable, that’s all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

Asking OP and her husband privately. That is what my SIL did before it was mentioned to anyone else. That is how I knew I could trust her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

Asking OP and her husband privately. That is what my SIL did before it was mentioned to anyone else. That is how I knew I could trust her.

I’m sincerely confused. It was OK for them to ask OP and her DH at the same time, but only one of them should have been present for the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Hell to the no. DH needs to grow a pair and back you 100% on this.

[Anonymous]

Husband problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be comfortable with this either, though I can certainly see circumstances where this would work for other families. Ideally, you could have given a non committal answer like ‘we’ll see!’ and then talked with DH about how this is an absolute no. And then he can tell his mom no.

Is DH’s family from that country? Or does his sister just live there? Either way, make it a family trip! We have been all over Europe with our young kids and I love it. One of the several reasons this wouldn’t fly in my family is because I would want to go too!

+1. I am someone who likes to maintain good relations. I would have said “Sounds like a fun idea. DH and I will discuss and get back to you.” And maybe propose some alternative “Our vacation and work leave plans are set for this summer, but next summer let’s all go together!” It’s still saying no, but softer.

[Anonymous]

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

You should always assume positive intent. MIL and SIL would have it much easier if they *didn’t* bring the kids. They want to bring them so they can a) spend time with them and b) expose the kids to a new culture. Totally understand why you are saying no, but still try to understand their perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

You should always assume positive intent. MIL and SIL would have it much easier if they *didn’t* bring the kids. They want to bring them so they can a) spend time with them and b) expose the kids to a new culture. Totally understand why you are saying no, but still try to understand their perspective.

Exactly this. So many people are projecting their own family dynamics/ dysfunction on this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

Way to project your experiences on this situation.

They colluded and then got in a 3 way zoom talk to skip it in.

Pushover husband punted the answer entirely to his wife. Real-time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

Way to project your experiences on this situation.

They colluded and then got in a 3 way zoom talk to skip it in.

Pushover husband punted the answer entirely to his wife. Real-time!

I don’t think you know what collusion is.

[Anonymous]

Hold up folks.

This is not some pilgrimage to the homeland to visit grandma.

Young single SIL, who’s injured, is living abroad.

Elderly divorced MIL who lives in the states would bring the 8 yo and 10 yo to visit her adult daughter, their aunt.

Just No. it’s paperwork city for others to travel with someone else’s kids. Not clear how long SIL has lived in this country or if MIL has ever been there or travels much long haul anyways. I mean, can you imagine if something happens during the long travel day with grandma? Or what either SIl or MIL do if the elementary school kids are bickering and fighting?

This is so No Go and half baked.

Did they at least invite you parents too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband problem

+1000

Do all three of them totally lack any common sense too?

[Anonymous]

I bet none of them are fluent in the language either. Or is this living and all squishing in a small flat in London? Sounds lovely, bet my young kids would sleep like a baby on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold up folks.

This is not some pilgrimage to the homeland to visit grandma.

Young single SIL, who’s injured, is living abroad.

Elderly divorced MIL who lives in the states would bring the 8 yo and 10 yo to visit her adult daughter, their aunt.

Just No. it’s paperwork city for others to travel with someone else’s kids. Not clear how long SIL has lived in this country or if MIL has ever been there or travels much long haul anyways. I mean, can you imagine if something happens during the long travel day with grandma? Or what either SIl or MIL do if the elementary school kids are bickering and fighting?

This is so No Go and half baked.

Did they at least invite you parents too?

Who are you telling to “hold up”? As far as I can tell not a single person has said OP was in the wrong to say no. Some offered that they might say yes under certain conditions. Some others suggested that MIL/SIL were not inherently wrong to make the request.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Everyone involved is American. SIL just lives and works overseas. We take trips with them and the kids overseas almost once a year. DH is a pushover and gives in regularly to demands from MIL and SIL that overstep normal boundaries. The FaceTime call included the kids so no, it was not a private conversation. I don’t think they had bad intentions but they often request things from us and then act offended if we say no. Last year, SIL requested to stay with us, along with MIL for 3 weeks during the last month of school when i already had my own family coming for a week right after. When I suggested another time, it didn’t go over well.

I’m fine doing a trip with them over the summer as long as we can get some separate time alone as a family. I would be okay if the kids stayed with her for a weekend while my husband and I traveled somewhere nearby. I’m just not okay with parents being across the ocean. I wouldn’t want my husband to go without me either. They simply want the experience of being alone with the kids.

I appreciate the responses because this is what I needed to know I wasn’t being unreasonable.