Is 14 too young for gf/bf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting into a relationship at 14 was developmentally normal when kids then got married at 18 or 20. Now, there is no developmental need or benefit to being in a relationship at 14. Fouteen year olds don't need relationship experiences.

I wouldn't invite her over. They can go to a coffee shop or hang out at lunch at school.

That’s absurd, they can meet up at a coffee shop but they can’t hang out at your house?

Thats right. If they can fnd a few minutes and do the work to be together for a short amout of time in a public place - good for them. What I won't do is enable or encourage a serious relationship by inviting them to spend extended amounts of time alone together in a home.

No one said leaving them alone in your house was the option. How is walking around and going to a coffee shop, where incidentally they can detour through a park to make out or whatever, better than them hanging out at your house with your family around?

Of course at home they are going to end up cozied up together - they are boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a private, comfortable environment. Of course not in the first 15 minutes of the first visit. Some parents decide to put condoms in the bathrooms so they can use protection when they have sex. You can encourage whatever relationships you want in your kids.

I don't want my 14 year old in a serious emotional or sexual relationship so I won't be enabling by spending extended private time alone together in comfortable spaces in a home - be it a bedroom or a downstairs rec room or whereever. If they make out in a park in the cold - good for them, that is what a 14 year old can do. They know I think they are too young at that age to be in a long term serious committed emotional or sexual relationship so they aren't expecting me to invite their crush over so they have a comfortable space where they can be alone together and get to know each other on a deeper emotional and physical / sexual level. Do I care if they 'date' in a group or sneak a kiss at a coffee shop - no. My kids get why I think it isn't healthy and they have seen friends hurt by going too deep too fast so they are on the same page as me and don't mind that I am not encouraging a serious relationship when they are in middle school / early high school. They understand why I want them to maintain a diverse group of friends and not be only invested in one person and spend all their free time with one person at this age.

People are different. Parent how you see fit.

They only end up cozied together in your home if you allow it. You can allow them to hang out at your home with the understanding that they will not be alone in bedrooms, basements, etc. You are also jumping right to they are going to be having sex, there is a whole lot of middle ground between 14 year olds dating and 14 year olds having sex, just like there’s a middle ground between hanging out at your house and cozying up alone in bedrooms or rec rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting into a relationship at 14 was developmentally normal when kids then got married at 18 or 20. Now, there is no developmental need or benefit to being in a relationship at 14. Fouteen year olds don't need relationship experiences.

I wouldn't invite her over. They can go to a coffee shop or hang out at lunch at school.

That’s absurd, they can meet up at a coffee shop but they can’t hang out at your house?

Thats right. If they can fnd a few minutes and do the work to be together for a short amout of time in a public place - good for them. What I won't do is enable or encourage a serious relationship by inviting them to spend extended amounts of time alone together in a home.

No one said leaving them alone in your house was the option. How is walking around and going to a coffee shop, where incidentally they can detour through a park to make out or whatever, better than them hanging out at your house with your family around?

Of course at home they are going to end up cozied up together - they are boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a private, comfortable environment. Of course not in the first 15 minutes of the first visit. Some parents decide to put condoms in the bathrooms so they can use protection when they have sex. You can encourage whatever relationships you want in your kids.

I don't want my 14 year old in a serious emotional or sexual relationship so I won't be enabling by spending extended private time alone together in comfortable spaces in a home - be it a bedroom or a downstairs rec room or whereever. If they make out in a park in the cold - good for them, that is what a 14 year old can do. They know I think they are too young at that age to be in a long term serious committed emotional or sexual relationship so they aren't expecting me to invite their crush over so they have a comfortable space where they can be alone together and get to know each other on a deeper emotional and physical / sexual level. Do I care if they 'date' in a group or sneak a kiss at a coffee shop - no. My kids get why I think it isn't healthy and they have seen friends hurt by going too deep too fast so they are on the same page as me and don't mind that I am not encouraging a serious relationship when they are in middle school / early high school. They understand why I want them to maintain a diverse group of friends and not be only invested in one person and spend all their free time with one person at this age.

People are different. Parent how you see fit.

They only end up cozied together in your home if you allow it. You can allow them to hang out at your home with the understanding that they will not be alone in bedrooms, basements, etc. You are also jumping right to they are going to be having sex, there is a whole lot of middle ground between 14 year olds dating and 14 year olds having sex, just like there’s a middle ground between hanging out at your house and cozying up alone in bedrooms or rec rooms.

14 year olds spend most of their time with their peers, not with parents and younger siblings. It would be odd to invite them to your home and then hang around them like a leech. I don't know of any 14 year olds that spend all their time when they have peers over with their parents and siblings. They end up without adults often in the basement or rec room watching movies, playing video games, playing pool, looking at tik tok videos etc. Maybe there are some parents who follow their 14 year olds everywhere they go in the house but I don't and none of my kids friends do. When they are at a friend's house, they are with their friends - not with their friends parents. I am not jumping straight to sex, I am equally wanting to prevent a deep emotional connection aka falling in love. Love and Sex happens when kids get into deeper more serious more comfortable relationships. When they spend more time alone together in a comfortable space, they are more likely to have a deeper connection and more likely to think they are in love and to have sex. Having a girlfriend / boyfriend meet your parents and siblings and get to know them and get comfortable in your home is already part of deepening a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents please parent! There is no need to start dating at 14!!!

That’s not the question. The question is whether there’s a need to actively stop 14-year-olds from dating. And there’s not.

Sure there is. That’s too young to handle the emotional ups and down of a romantic relationship.

+1

You didn't date when you were 14?

Lol, no. Our rule was I had to be out of the house. Frankly, I am grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting into a relationship at 14 was developmentally normal when kids then got married at 18 or 20. Now, there is no developmental need or benefit to being in a relationship at 14. Fouteen year olds don't need relationship experiences.

I wouldn't invite her over. They can go to a coffee shop or hang out at lunch at school.

That’s absurd, they can meet up at a coffee shop but they can’t hang out at your house?

Thats right. If they can fnd a few minutes and do the work to be together for a short amout of time in a public place - good for them. What I won't do is enable or encourage a serious relationship by inviting them to spend extended amounts of time alone together in a home.

No one said leaving them alone in your house was the option. How is walking around and going to a coffee shop, where incidentally they can detour through a park to make out or whatever, better than them hanging out at your house with your family around?

Of course at home they are going to end up cozied up together - they are boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a private, comfortable environment. Of course not in the first 15 minutes of the first visit. Some parents decide to put condoms in the bathrooms so they can use protection when they have sex. You can encourage whatever relationships you want in your kids.

I don't want my 14 year old in a serious emotional or sexual relationship so I won't be enabling by spending extended private time alone together in comfortable spaces in a home - be it a bedroom or a downstairs rec room or whereever. If they make out in a park in the cold - good for them, that is what a 14 year old can do. They know I think they are too young at that age to be in a long term serious committed emotional or sexual relationship so they aren't expecting me to invite their crush over so they have a comfortable space where they can be alone together and get to know each other on a deeper emotional and physical / sexual level. Do I care if they 'date' in a group or sneak a kiss at a coffee shop - no. My kids get why I think it isn't healthy and they have seen friends hurt by going too deep too fast so they are on the same page as me and don't mind that I am not encouraging a serious relationship when they are in middle school / early high school. They understand why I want them to maintain a diverse group of friends and not be only invested in one person and spend all their free time with one person at this age.

People are different. Parent how you see fit.

They only end up cozied together in your home if you allow it. You can allow them to hang out at your home with the understanding that they will not be alone in bedrooms, basements, etc. You are also jumping right to they are going to be having sex, there is a whole lot of middle ground between 14 year olds dating and 14 year olds having sex, just like there’s a middle ground between hanging out at your house and cozying up alone in bedrooms or rec rooms.

14 year olds spend most of their time with their peers, not with parents and younger siblings. It would be odd to invite them to your home and then hang around them like a leech. I don't know of any 14 year olds that spend all their time when they have peers over with their parents and siblings. They end up without adults often in the basement or rec room watching movies, playing video games, playing pool, looking at tik tok videos etc. Maybe there are some parents who follow their 14 year olds everywhere they go in the house but I don't and none of my kids friends do. When they are at a friend's house, they are with their friends - not with their friends parents. I am not jumping straight to sex, I am equally wanting to prevent a deep emotional connection aka falling in love. Love and Sex happens when kids get into deeper more serious more comfortable relationships. When they spend more time alone together in a comfortable space, they are more likely to have a deeper connection and more likely to think they are in love and to have sex. Having a girlfriend / boyfriend meet your parents and siblings and get to know them and get comfortable in your home is already part of deepening a relationship.

+1 Finally, a voice of reason!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting into a relationship at 14 was developmentally normal when kids then got married at 18 or 20. Now, there is no developmental need or benefit to being in a relationship at 14. Fouteen year olds don't need relationship experiences.

I wouldn't invite her over. They can go to a coffee shop or hang out at lunch at school.

That’s absurd, they can meet up at a coffee shop but they can’t hang out at your house?

Thats right. If they can fnd a few minutes and do the work to be together for a short amout of time in a public place - good for them. What I won't do is enable or encourage a serious relationship by inviting them to spend extended amounts of time alone together in a home.

No one said leaving them alone in your house was the option. How is walking around and going to a coffee shop, where incidentally they can detour through a park to make out or whatever, better than them hanging out at your house with your family around?

Of course at home they are going to end up cozied up together - they are boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a private, comfortable environment. Of course not in the first 15 minutes of the first visit. Some parents decide to put condoms in the bathrooms so they can use protection when they have sex. You can encourage whatever relationships you want in your kids.

I don't want my 14 year old in a serious emotional or sexual relationship so I won't be enabling by spending extended private time alone together in comfortable spaces in a home - be it a bedroom or a downstairs rec room or whereever. If they make out in a park in the cold - good for them, that is what a 14 year old can do. They know I think they are too young at that age to be in a long term serious committed emotional or sexual relationship so they aren't expecting me to invite their crush over so they have a comfortable space where they can be alone together and get to know each other on a deeper emotional and physical / sexual level. Do I care if they 'date' in a group or sneak a kiss at a coffee shop - no. My kids get why I think it isn't healthy and they have seen friends hurt by going too deep too fast so they are on the same page as me and don't mind that I am not encouraging a serious relationship when they are in middle school / early high school. They understand why I want them to maintain a diverse group of friends and not be only invested in one person and spend all their free time with one person at this age.

People are different. Parent how you see fit.

+1,000 Bravo. Parent not afraid to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yo son has a girlfriend. He just turned 14 in late Sept too so I feel this is on the young side. They FT each other and meet up at cafes or coffee shops near our house. Today is the first time she’s coming over to our house.

Is this what age it usually starts?? I had crushes but didn’t start dating seriously until 17!

In my view, yes. I'm not huge fan of dating, esp serious BF/GF until closer to senior year. They may want it but aren't ready. And too many adult things come too fast.

And I'm seeing around here (NOVA) a weird trend that I'm wondering if you all see, and I find disturbing: many of my friends' kids with significant others bring them on vacations, to family events, etc. to the point where the kids spend so much time with them it's almost at the expense of their friends. Is this a southern thing or just a new thing for kids? This was 1000000% not the case when I was growing up -even for those kids with long, long term BFs/GFs. I just think it's too much at too young. And places too much emphasis on these relationships.

If my DC wanted to date now (15) I would not be thrilled, if I'm being honest. I don't know that I'd forbid it as that rarely ends well. We've def stressed that dating is a marathon, not a spring. You don't get points for dating first or longest in HS. Luckily, DC is much too busy for it with the sport played, at the level played, school, and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting into a relationship at 14 was developmentally normal when kids then got married at 18 or 20. Now, there is no developmental need or benefit to being in a relationship at 14. Fouteen year olds don't need relationship experiences.

I wouldn't invite her over. They can go to a coffee shop or hang out at lunch at school.

That’s absurd, they can meet up at a coffee shop but they can’t hang out at your house?

Thats right. If they can fnd a few minutes and do the work to be together for a short amout of time in a public place - good for them. What I won't do is enable or encourage a serious relationship by inviting them to spend extended amounts of time alone together in a home.

No one said leaving them alone in your house was the option. How is walking around and going to a coffee shop, where incidentally they can detour through a park to make out or whatever, better than them hanging out at your house with your family around?

Of course at home they are going to end up cozied up together - they are boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a private, comfortable environment. Of course not in the first 15 minutes of the first visit. Some parents decide to put condoms in the bathrooms so they can use protection when they have sex. You can encourage whatever relationships you want in your kids.

I don't want my 14 year old in a serious emotional or sexual relationship so I won't be enabling by spending extended private time alone together in comfortable spaces in a home - be it a bedroom or a downstairs rec room or whereever. If they make out in a park in the cold - good for them, that is what a 14 year old can do. They know I think they are too young at that age to be in a long term serious committed emotional or sexual relationship so they aren't expecting me to invite their crush over so they have a comfortable space where they can be alone together and get to know each other on a deeper emotional and physical / sexual level. Do I care if they 'date' in a group or sneak a kiss at a coffee shop - no. My kids get why I think it isn't healthy and they have seen friends hurt by going too deep too fast so they are on the same page as me and don't mind that I am not encouraging a serious relationship when they are in middle school / early high school. They understand why I want them to maintain a diverse group of friends and not be only invested in one person and spend all their free time with one person at this age.

People are different. Parent how you see fit.

They only end up cozied together in your home if you allow it. You can allow them to hang out at your home with the understanding that they will not be alone in bedrooms, basements, etc. You are also jumping right to they are going to be having sex, there is a whole lot of middle ground between 14 year olds dating and 14 year olds having sex, just like there’s a middle ground between hanging out at your house and cozying up alone in bedrooms or rec rooms.

Come on. Once you "cozy up", then it's kissing, then groping, then, then, then. . . and if you're fine with that, good for you. Once you go to the next step/base/level, then they go a little further, then a little further. . . . my friends allow this for their son and I was a little shocked at first: coming to their house and they're lying ont he couch together under a blanket. They recently found condoms around the house. Again, if you're fine with it, great. I would not be making it easy for them.

[Anonymous]

I think bf/gf hanging around your house with sibling and friend is about as innocent as it gets.

I remember the kids who weren’t allowed to date in high school. They were the ones who got plastered every night the first week of college and slept with multiple people that week. Totally outta control.

People can be as high minded on parenting as they want but at some point - now or later - they actually just have no idea what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think bf/gf hanging around your house with sibling and friend is about as innocent as it gets.

I remember the kids who weren’t allowed to date in high school. They were the ones who got plastered every night the first week of college and slept with multiple people that week. Totally outta control.

People can be as high minded on parenting as they want but at some point - now or later - they actually just have no idea what’s going on.

No one here has said no dating until college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think bf/gf hanging around your house with sibling and friend is about as innocent as it gets.

I remember the kids who weren’t allowed to date in high school. They were the ones who got plastered every night the first week of college and slept with multiple people that week. Totally outta control.

People can be as high minded on parenting as they want but at some point - now or later - they actually just have no idea what’s going on.

I wasn’t allowed to date in high school and I didn’t get plastered or sleep around at college. In fact, I maintained an extremely high GPA and went on to grad school. And I wasn’t a complete wreck like my friend from high school who dated and had sex at 16 as a junior in high school. She ended up really messed up when the guy dumped her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the parents that think they can forbid dating until a certain age. My 8th grader has several friends at her catholic school who are dating but not telling their parents about it and sneaking around because 'they are not allowed'. I would rather my 14 year old was open about it and we can discuss boundaries etc and get to know who they are hanging out with. I would have no problem for my 8th grader to 'date' someone if I knew them and they stuck to public places like coffee shops or our house when we are home.

And yet neither of my two teens are dating before they are 16, so I guess it’s working?

Maybe they haven’t found anyone willing to date them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Starter relationships are normal and appropriate at this age. They are practicing for the real thing some day. Better to learn and make mistakes under your roof.

Let me guess, you also allow the teens to drink in your home so you can monitor them?!

+1. Such bad avice. No dating before 16!

[Anonymous]

They are going to “date” whether you like it or not. For them, that means they tell each other (& their friends) that they like each other. It’s a very normal stage of HS…there is a very strong instinct to get coupled up, even if just in word only (like they don’t spend time together outside of school). Everyone wants to say that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
We’ve said only group dates until 16, & that seems to be a happy medium. They will go on group dates, have friends over (including the bf).
I don’t want to make it off limits & then something they sneak around. DD is 15. They feel what they feel, you can’t stop that. Help them learn what is a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents please parent! There is no need to start dating at 14!!!

That’s not the question. The question is whether there’s a need to actively stop 14-year-olds from dating. And there’s not.

Sure there is. That’s too young to handle the emotional ups and down of a romantic relationship.

+1

You didn't date when you were 14?

Lol, no. Our rule was I had to be out of the house. Frankly, I am grateful.

Well, your parents sounds insanely controlling (weird religion?). That is not develomentally normal. No wonder you have so much anxiety.0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents please parent! There is no need to start dating at 14!!!

That’s not the question. The question is whether there’s a need to actively stop 14-year-olds from dating. And there’s not.

Sure there is. That’s too young to handle the emotional ups and down of a romantic relationship.

+1

You didn't date when you were 14?

Lol, no. Our rule was I had to be out of the house. Frankly, I am grateful.

Well, your parents sounds insanely controlling (weird religion?). That is not develomentally normal. No wonder you have so much anxiety.0

Ooo, real klassy! So many disses in one statement. Makes me feel that you really have it together in the child rearing department.
NP