Is 14 too young for gf/bf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this blew up in an unexpected way! I have a few clarifications to make.

My son is 14 but he’s in ninth grade.

When asked if X is his gf, he said “I don’t know!” But the screensaver on his phone is a photo of the two of them so…idk, lol.

She’s been over 2x so far and he went to her house once. It’s not what I thought. I think I was worrying about something more akin to late teen dating (17/18 ish). Where the couple is obviously together, there is some mild pda (holding hands or an arm around the other, etc.), wants to be alone, etc. I was remembering what it was like when I had my first boyfriend but I was a lot older than DS.

In this case, they seem more like friends who maybe have a little crush on each other. Idk about her but I can tell my son likes her a lot. He visibly lights up around her. And it’s been causing him to mature a little: he’s much more concerned about his personal hygiene now (a relief for me, lol), he made his bed without being asked, picked up his room, used his best manners at the dinner table, etc. They do go off to watch a movie or play table tennis or VR but they also seem happy to be around the rest of us. She’s eaten dinner with us. She hangs out with his younger siblings and asks after them. She’s a very friendly, outgoing girl. I quite like her actually. We met her dad and he seems very nice and down to earth as well.

When they’re in his room, they keep the door open and DH and I make it a point to wander by on our chores just so they remember they’re not alone and unsupervised. I was sitting in the living room when she left yesterday so I was able to observe their goodbyes. They just hugged, no kiss.

For everyone saying this is a problem, what am I supposed to say when he asks if she can come over? Am I supposed to say he can’t have friends of the opposite sex over?

“You can have girls over one-on-one when you are” (insert age for the family rule). This isn’t hard, OP!

But it’s possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Are they not allowed to come over to your house? It’s not even clear from OPs posts if these kids are truly bf/gf.

[Anonymous]

These anti dating parents are crazy imo. Kids are going up start having romantic feelings, and I’d rather teach them how to develop mutually respectful relationships than have them either think their feelings are “bad” or need to be kept a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

Some will and some won’t. I’m not worried what happens once they leave my nest. While they are still in my nest they will follow my rules.

This is weird to me. You don't care what happens to them when you send them out into the world without any relationship tools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

I’m raising my kids with the same rules I followed, and neither me nor my sibling every “went wild” when we left home, were never in over our heads. Sorry but your paragraph here is just a cliche.

+1 same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These anti dating parents are crazy imo. Kids are going up start having romantic feelings, and I’d rather teach them how to develop mutually respectful relationships than have them either think their feelings are “bad” or need to be kept a secret.

This- it doesnt mean I want my teens sleeping around and thinking they have to have a bf/gf. It is natural to want to explore this and honestly, I'd rather them get some of these early relationships under their belt when it is simpler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

Some will and some won’t. I’m not worried what happens once they leave my nest. While they are still in my nest they will follow my rules.

This is weird to me. You don't care what happens to them when you send them out into the world without any relationship tools?

LOL. Relationship tools? You sound loony. My parents never gave me “relationship tools.” I did just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

Some will and some won’t. I’m not worried what happens once they leave my nest. While they are still in my nest they will follow my rules.

This is weird to me. You don't care what happens to them when you send them out into the world without any relationship tools?

LOL. Relationship tools? You sound loony. My parents never gave me “relationship tools.” I did just fine.

And my parents didn’t make me use a seatbelt and I’m just fine. Doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat their mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this blew up in an unexpected way! I have a few clarifications to make.

My son is 14 but he’s in ninth grade.

When asked if X is his gf, he said “I don’t know!” But the screensaver on his phone is a photo of the two of them so…idk, lol.

She’s been over 2x so far and he went to her house once. It’s not what I thought. I think I was worrying about something more akin to late teen dating (17/18 ish). Where the couple is obviously together, there is some mild pda (holding hands or an arm around the other, etc.), wants to be alone, etc. I was remembering what it was like when I had my first boyfriend but I was a lot older than DS.

In this case, they seem more like friends who maybe have a little crush on each other. Idk about her but I can tell my son likes her a lot. He visibly lights up around her. And it’s been causing him to mature a little: he’s much more concerned about his personal hygiene now (a relief for me, lol), he made his bed without being asked, picked up his room, used his best manners at the dinner table, etc. They do go off to watch a movie or play table tennis or VR but they also seem happy to be around the rest of us. She’s eaten dinner with us. She hangs out with his younger siblings and asks after them. She’s a very friendly, outgoing girl. I quite like her actually. We met her dad and he seems very nice and down to earth as well.

When they’re in his room, they keep the door open and DH and I make it a point to wander by on our chores just so they remember they’re not alone and unsupervised. I was sitting in the living room when she left yesterday so I was able to observe their goodbyes. They just hugged, no kiss.

For everyone saying this is a problem, what am I supposed to say when he asks if she can come over? Am I supposed to say he can’t have friends of the opposite sex over?

“You can have girls over one-on-one when you are” (insert age for the family rule). This isn’t hard, OP!

But it’s possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Are they not allowed to come over to your house? It’s not even clear from OPs posts if these kids are truly bf/gf.

Correct. They can hang out as co groups in the house, but one on one has to wait.

[Anonymous]

Co-ed groups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These anti dating parents are crazy imo. Kids are going up start having romantic feelings, and I’d rather teach them how to develop mutually respectful relationships than have them either think their feelings are “bad” or need to be kept a secret.

It’s not anti dating to allow dating at an older age than 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this blew up in an unexpected way! I have a few clarifications to make.

My son is 14 but he’s in ninth grade.

When asked if X is his gf, he said “I don’t know!” But the screensaver on his phone is a photo of the two of them so…idk, lol.

She’s been over 2x so far and he went to her house once. It’s not what I thought. I think I was worrying about something more akin to late teen dating (17/18 ish). Where the couple is obviously together, there is some mild pda (holding hands or an arm around the other, etc.), wants to be alone, etc. I was remembering what it was like when I had my first boyfriend but I was a lot older than DS.

In this case, they seem more like friends who maybe have a little crush on each other. Idk about her but I can tell my son likes her a lot. He visibly lights up around her. And it’s been causing him to mature a little: he’s much more concerned about his personal hygiene now (a relief for me, lol), he made his bed without being asked, picked up his room, used his best manners at the dinner table, etc. They do go off to watch a movie or play table tennis or VR but they also seem happy to be around the rest of us. She’s eaten dinner with us. She hangs out with his younger siblings and asks after them. She’s a very friendly, outgoing girl. I quite like her actually. We met her dad and he seems very nice and down to earth as well.

When they’re in his room, they keep the door open and DH and I make it a point to wander by on our chores just so they remember they’re not alone and unsupervised. I was sitting in the living room when she left yesterday so I was able to observe their goodbyes. They just hugged, no kiss.

For everyone saying this is a problem, what am I supposed to say when he asks if she can come over? Am I supposed to say he can’t have friends of the opposite sex over?

“You can have girls over one-on-one when you are” (insert age for the family rule). This isn’t hard, OP!

Seems like your family rule is 14, OP. Unless you are uncomfortable, I wouldn't backtrack having her over. It's nice they are comfortable in your home and aren't sneaky. I have posted on this thread as another 14yo 9th grade boy mom, what you have described would mostly be cool at my house. Since I have an older child, we had already set a rule about the bedroom being off-limits. I would backtrack the bedroom if I were you. I think you could say "dad and I have been talking about this since it's the first time it's come up, we are happy to have Sally over, seems like you guys have fun together...these are the places we are comfortable with the two of you hanging out in the house..."

[Anonymous]

At 14, you're not "claiming" anyone as your boyfriend or girlfriend, IMO.

The closest timing I would allow is 16-18, but even then, I'd dissuade it because I've seen so many teens get wrapped up in these high school romances that are full of drama and derail them.

I think crushes and the like are healthy and fine, and I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex or hanging out with them. But there isn't really "serious dating" to be had in the high school years, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 14, you're not "claiming" anyone as your boyfriend or girlfriend, IMO.

The closest timing I would allow is 16-18, but even then, I'd dissuade it because I've seen so many teens get wrapped up in these high school romances that are full of drama and derail them.

I think crushes and the like are healthy and fine, and I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex or hanging out with them. But there isn't really "serious dating" to be had in the high school years, IMO.

+1

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 14, you're not "claiming" anyone as your boyfriend or girlfriend, IMO.

The closest timing I would allow is 16-18, but even then, I'd dissuade it because I've seen so many teens get wrapped up in these high school romances that are full of drama and derail them.

I think crushes and the like are healthy and fine, and I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex or hanging out with them. But there isn't really "serious dating" to be had in the high school years, IMO.

You may not be, but they are very interested in “claiming” a bf/gf in high school.

It can be very positive. It is not just about having sex - they are looking for deep connections outside of their family at this age. That includes friendships & relationships.

I am not advocating letting them date one on one, have sex, etc. But jeez, there is a lot of excitement about being asked to a school dance, etc. There’s a lot to learn about what you like in a partner, how to set boundaries, etc. They are not just robots who need to study / work all the time. Figuring out how to navigate social relationships is a big part of teenage years - how to say no when someone likes you when you don’t feel the same, etc.