Is 14 too young for gf/bf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 types of parents - those who understand their kids are growing up and yes are dating at 14/15 and those who stick their heads in the sand.

This is silly. Just because some kids are dating at 14 doesn’t mean all of them are or even that the majority of them are. My 15 year old isn’t dating and isn’t showing an interest in dating. She has parental permission to start dating at 16. Do I understand that some parents allow it at 14? Sure. Do I understand that teens are growing up at 14? Sure! That has nothing to do with which age we start allowing it in our house.

But what do you consider a "date"? I've been allowing my 14yo 9th grade son to meet girls in public places and hang out since 7th grade. This is like walking around the mall or Bethesda, spending time at one another's summer pools, maybe with a group of kids or maybe just the girl. I don't really want to treat wanting to hang out with a particular friend differently just because there may be a crush involved. I do put different parameters on the hang out, like his buddies can be anywhere in the house, a young lady, not the same. And maybe I treat the 9th grade interest with more caution and conversation. 7/8th was very innocent and short-lived, but all the more reason for me not to make it a big deal. My son is also involved in a coed sport, being friends with girls happens naturally. I also have an older daughter, they have had the same rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 types of parents - those who understand their kids are growing up and yes are dating at 14/15 and those who stick their heads in the sand.

This is silly. Just because some kids are dating at 14 doesn’t mean all of them are or even that the majority of them are. My 15 year old isn’t dating and isn’t showing an interest in dating. She has parental permission to start dating at 16. Do I understand that some parents allow it at 14? Sure. Do I understand that teens are growing up at 14? Sure! That has nothing to do with which age we start allowing it in our house.

But what do you consider a "date"? I've been allowing my 14yo 9th grade son to meet girls in public places and hang out since 7th grade. This is like walking around the mall or Bethesda, spending time at one another's summer pools, maybe with a group of kids or maybe just the girl. I don't really want to treat wanting to hang out with a particular friend differently just because there may be a crush involved. I do put different parameters on the hang out, like his buddies can be anywhere in the house, a young lady, not the same. And maybe I treat the 9th grade interest with more caution and conversation. 7/8th was very innocent and short-lived, but all the more reason for me not to make it a big deal. My son is also involved in a coed sport, being friends with girls happens naturally. I also have an older daughter, they have had the same rules.

I think a date is one on one. My teen son (not yet 16, our family’s rule for dating) has plenty of girl friends and does things as co ed groups. If he considered himself “dating” one of them, there is zero I can do about it. If he wanted me to take him to the movies with just her, I would say no. If he wanted her to come over to watch a movie just one on one, I would say no.

[Anonymous]

^ Also, I think co ed friendships are really healthy, so I would encourage such a thing in a group dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I am all for young kids of all gender hanging out together. But, no dating. My kids started dating in college. They were going steady in their junior/senior years.

[Anonymous]

I mean, how can you prevent it really? We don’t allow one on one dating, but 15 my yr old DS has a gf he is crazy about. They are together at school, group dates/dances, talk a lot on the phone/text. They can’t drive & don’t live near each other. They both are doing well in school, sports, ecs, etc, and share a group of good friends that they hang out with. I am sure at school they are probably the couple glued at the hip every day, I remember those couples.
You can make it easier or harder for them to be together, but I don’t know how you can stop it altogether if they have a crush that is reciprocated. He very much considers her his gf even though they don’t actually “date” one on one.
I think pp is right that you can set parameters - no one on one dating, or you can have the gf over & set rules about where they can hang out in the house, etc.
I feel like if I said to DS “you cannot date”, he would definitely hide it, sneak around, etc. it would not stop him, but would potentially push him to riskier behavior. I feel like appropriate parameters are helping them to have healthy relationships that are positive (they are very nice & supportive of each other, encourage each other to study, do well in their sports, etc) and don’t put too much pressure on them (like having to sneak around or something).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for young kids of all gender hanging out together. But, no dating. My kids started dating in college. They were going steady in their junior/senior years.

“Going steady”, is your perspective from 1960?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, how can you prevent it really? We don’t allow one on one dating, but 15 my yr old DS has a gf he is crazy about. They are together at school, group dates/dances, talk a lot on the phone/text. They can’t drive & don’t live near each other. They both are doing well in school, sports, ecs, etc, and share a group of good friends that they hang out with. I am sure at school they are probably the couple glued at the hip every day, I remember those couples.
You can make it easier or harder for them to be together, but I don’t know how you can stop it altogether if they have a crush that is reciprocated. He very much considers her his gf even though they don’t actually “date” one on one.
I think pp is right that you can set parameters - no one on one dating, or you can have the gf over & set rules about where they can hang out in the house, etc.
I feel like if I said to DS “you cannot date”, he would definitely hide it, sneak around, etc. it would not stop him, but would potentially push him to riskier behavior. I feel like appropriate parameters are helping them to have healthy relationships that are positive (they are very nice & supportive of each other, encourage each other to study, do well in their sports, etc) and don’t put too much pressure on them (like having to sneak around or something).

I think it’s the way you are phrasing it. When I talk to my teens, I talk about what they CAN do. I don’t say “you can’t date until you are 16.” I say positive things like, “When you are sixteen, you’ll be old enough to drive. When you are sixteen, you can go out on dates.” I don’t put it down as a prohibition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for young kids of all gender hanging out together. But, no dating. My kids started dating in college. They were going steady in their junior/senior years.

+1 Bravo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am all for young kids of all gender hanging out together. But, no dating. My kids started dating in college. They were going steady in their junior/senior years.

“Going steady”, is your perspective from 1960?!

Is your only form of a rebuttal an insult? Why aren’t you able to share a different opinion without descending into childish insults?

[Anonymous]

These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

Some will and some won’t. I’m not worried what happens once they leave my nest. While they are still in my nest they will follow my rules.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow this blew up in an unexpected way! I have a few clarifications to make.

My son is 14 but he’s in ninth grade.

When asked if X is his gf, he said “I don’t know!” But the screensaver on his phone is a photo of the two of them so…idk, lol.

She’s been over 2x so far and he went to her house once. It’s not what I thought. I think I was worrying about something more akin to late teen dating (17/18 ish). Where the couple is obviously together, there is some mild pda (holding hands or an arm around the other, etc.), wants to be alone, etc. I was remembering what it was like when I had my first boyfriend but I was a lot older than DS.

In this case, they seem more like friends who maybe have a little crush on each other. Idk about her but I can tell my son likes her a lot. He visibly lights up around her. And it’s been causing him to mature a little: he’s much more concerned about his personal hygiene now (a relief for me, lol), he made his bed without being asked, picked up his room, used his best manners at the dinner table, etc. They do go off to watch a movie or play table tennis or VR but they also seem happy to be around the rest of us. She’s eaten dinner with us. She hangs out with his younger siblings and asks after them. She’s a very friendly, outgoing girl. I quite like her actually. We met her dad and he seems very nice and down to earth as well.

When they’re in his room, they keep the door open and DH and I make it a point to wander by on our chores just so they remember they’re not alone and unsupervised. I was sitting in the living room when she left yesterday so I was able to observe their goodbyes. They just hugged, no kiss.

For everyone saying this is a problem, what am I supposed to say when he asks if she can come over? Am I supposed to say he can’t have friends of the opposite sex over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this blew up in an unexpected way! I have a few clarifications to make.

My son is 14 but he’s in ninth grade.

When asked if X is his gf, he said “I don’t know!” But the screensaver on his phone is a photo of the two of them so…idk, lol.

She’s been over 2x so far and he went to her house once. It’s not what I thought. I think I was worrying about something more akin to late teen dating (17/18 ish). Where the couple is obviously together, there is some mild pda (holding hands or an arm around the other, etc.), wants to be alone, etc. I was remembering what it was like when I had my first boyfriend but I was a lot older than DS.

In this case, they seem more like friends who maybe have a little crush on each other. Idk about her but I can tell my son likes her a lot. He visibly lights up around her. And it’s been causing him to mature a little: he’s much more concerned about his personal hygiene now (a relief for me, lol), he made his bed without being asked, picked up his room, used his best manners at the dinner table, etc. They do go off to watch a movie or play table tennis or VR but they also seem happy to be around the rest of us. She’s eaten dinner with us. She hangs out with his younger siblings and asks after them. She’s a very friendly, outgoing girl. I quite like her actually. We met her dad and he seems very nice and down to earth as well.

When they’re in his room, they keep the door open and DH and I make it a point to wander by on our chores just so they remember they’re not alone and unsupervised. I was sitting in the living room when she left yesterday so I was able to observe their goodbyes. They just hugged, no kiss.

For everyone saying this is a problem, what am I supposed to say when he asks if she can come over? Am I supposed to say he can’t have friends of the opposite sex over?

This sounds very healthy and developmentally appropriate. I don’t think you have to worry about it. It’s not normal or beneficial to act like 14 yos are still young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

I’m raising my kids with the same rules I followed, and neither me nor my sibling every “went wild” when we left home, were never in over our heads. Sorry but your paragraph here is just a cliche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this blew up in an unexpected way! I have a few clarifications to make.

My son is 14 but he’s in ninth grade.

When asked if X is his gf, he said “I don’t know!” But the screensaver on his phone is a photo of the two of them so…idk, lol.

She’s been over 2x so far and he went to her house once. It’s not what I thought. I think I was worrying about something more akin to late teen dating (17/18 ish). Where the couple is obviously together, there is some mild pda (holding hands or an arm around the other, etc.), wants to be alone, etc. I was remembering what it was like when I had my first boyfriend but I was a lot older than DS.

In this case, they seem more like friends who maybe have a little crush on each other. Idk about her but I can tell my son likes her a lot. He visibly lights up around her. And it’s been causing him to mature a little: he’s much more concerned about his personal hygiene now (a relief for me, lol), he made his bed without being asked, picked up his room, used his best manners at the dinner table, etc. They do go off to watch a movie or play table tennis or VR but they also seem happy to be around the rest of us. She’s eaten dinner with us. She hangs out with his younger siblings and asks after them. She’s a very friendly, outgoing girl. I quite like her actually. We met her dad and he seems very nice and down to earth as well.

When they’re in his room, they keep the door open and DH and I make it a point to wander by on our chores just so they remember they’re not alone and unsupervised. I was sitting in the living room when she left yesterday so I was able to observe their goodbyes. They just hugged, no kiss.

For everyone saying this is a problem, what am I supposed to say when he asks if she can come over? Am I supposed to say he can’t have friends of the opposite sex over?

“You can have girls over one-on-one when you are” (insert age for the family rule). This isn’t hard, OP!