Is 14 too young for gf/bf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

Why? Was she not happy with how things worked out? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

Why? Was she not happy with how things worked out? Just curious.

No, they are now divorced. She said becoming so close to his family as a teen made it seem like they were already married and she had in-laws. They joked about it. She felt a part of their family and he hers and it became what was just almost expected of them. Both families loved the boy/friend girlfriend.

She also said neither of them ever got to be single or form their own identify, they were Matt and Sarah from 8th grade on. They did a lot together and while they had their own interests their lives were enmeshed from such an early age that they developed together versus independently.

They got engaged at 19 and so college was a really different experience for them and every bit of free time was driving back and forth and managing a long distance relationship and finding time to be together so again she says they didn’t really get to be young adults.

They also never dated anyone else and down the road both felt a little resentful that they had been so serious so early and all they had ever known was a serious relationship. They got married soon after college as they had already been together ten years and it was easier for his career if they were married. They had kids soon after at a time when most of their friends were not there yet so they were out of sync with their peer group.

In the end they divorced. Both felt if they had gotten sucked into an early serious relationship vortex that just carried them along and when all you have ever known is this one person and you haven’t been single since you were 13, they also stayed together longer than they should have as being apart and losing each other’s families (who were like their own) was too scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

Some will and some won’t. I’m not worried what happens once they leave my nest. While they are still in my nest they will follow my rules.

This is weird to me. You don't care what happens to them when you send them out into the world without any relationship tools?

LOL. Relationship tools? You sound loony. My parents never gave me “relationship tools.” I did just fine.

And my parents didn’t make me use a seatbelt and I’m just fine. Doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat their mistakes.

You’re actually comparing seatbelt use to relationship tools?!

[Anonymous]

haha this is absurd, you can allow or forbid specific activities, but you physically can't allow or forbid a relationship from happening! the one-on-one prohibition of hanging out with the opposite sex made me laugh too... my dd has a lot of friends who happen to be boys and some of them have come to our house (alone!) to hang out with her... so how would this work? when she asks if X boy can come should I answer "IDK, is he your boyfriend? if he is, no he can't come, if he is not, sure!" and what if your child is not straight?

Instead of having the illusion of control over young teenagers, isn't it better to acknowledge that young love happens, and teach them how to deal with romantic relationships? I recommend this episode of ask Lisa podcast: https://drlisadamour.com/im-not-ready-for-my-kid-to-be-in-love-help/

OP, what you are describing sounds lovely, this is how things go in our house too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha this is absurd, you can allow or forbid specific activities, but you physically can't allow or forbid a relationship from happening! the one-on-one prohibition of hanging out with the opposite sex made me laugh too... my dd has a lot of friends who happen to be boys and some of them have come to our house (alone!) to hang out with her... so how would this work? when she asks if X boy can come should I answer "IDK, is he your boyfriend? if he is, no he can't come, if he is not, sure!" and what if your child is not straight?

Instead of having the illusion of control over young teenagers*, isn't it better to acknowledge that young love happens, and teach them how to deal with romantic relationships? I recommend this episode of ask Lisa podcast: https://drlisadamour.com/im-not-ready-for-my-kid-to-be-in-love-help/

OP, what you are describing sounds lovely, this is how things go in our house too.

*sorry, illusion of control over teenagers' love lives, of course you can (and should!) control other aspects of your teenagers life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These pearl clutching parents need to understand their kids are going to go wild once they leave home. They will be in over their heads because they never had the chance to exercise good judgment. They will be easily manipulated and not know how to behave around the opposite sex. Controlling your child is a losing game. Hanging out with the opposite sex does not automatically lead to teen pregnancy. Giving your kids freedom provides opportunity for smart decisions and it doesn’t mean letting them shoot heroin or rob a bank. Geez. Learn to trust your kids. It’s sad that you have so little faith in your own children and the values you instilled in them.

Some will and some won’t. I’m not worried what happens once they leave my nest. While they are still in my nest they will follow my rules.

This is weird to me. You don't care what happens to them when you send them out into the world without any relationship tools?

LOL. Relationship tools? You sound loony. My parents never gave me “relationship tools.” I did just fine.

And my parents didn’t make me use a seatbelt and I’m just fine. Doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat their mistakes.

Such a great analogy - honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

But the OP isn’t talking about serious. That is the whole point. If anything they will just start lying, hanging out before/after school and then lie and say they are going to X place with a friend and meet up. The more it isn’t allowed, the more serious a teen would want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

But the OP isn’t talking about serious. That is the whole point. If anything they will just start lying, hanging out before/after school and then lie and say they are going to X place with a friend and meet up. The more it isn’t allowed, the more serious a teen would want to be.

She invited her over so she could get to know the family and so they could spend time together in the privacy of their home. That to me is encouraging a serious relationship far more than they hang out at lunch, go to Starbucks with a group of friends and text each other. To each their own. You can bring your son /daughter’s 14 year old boyfriend or girlfriend into your home and give them as much privacy as you want. I am fine with not doing so and no teens have turned into delinquents or married at 17 because they weren’t able to be a couple on our home at 14.

[Anonymous]

It is too young.

Those who don’t get this; hope you’re ready to deal with a teen pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

I don’t disagree that 14 is young to date but I know a couple of women who married guys they knew from the age of 14. It’s unusual but it doesn’t mean divorce. And yes, they are college educated women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

Why? Was she not happy with how things worked out? Just curious.

No, they are now divorced. She said becoming so close to his family as a teen made it seem like they were already married and she had in-laws. They joked about it. She felt a part of their family and he hers and it became what was just almost expected of them. Both families loved the boy/friend girlfriend.

She also said neither of them ever got to be single or form their own identify, they were Matt and Sarah from 8th grade on. They did a lot together and while they had their own interests their lives were enmeshed from such an early age that they developed together versus independently.

They got engaged at 19 and so college was a really different experience for them and every bit of free time was driving back and forth and managing a long distance relationship and finding time to be together so again she says they didn’t really get to be young adults.

They also never dated anyone else and down the road both felt a little resentful that they had been so serious so early and all they had ever known was a serious relationship. They got married soon after college as they had already been together ten years and it was easier for his career if they were married. They had kids soon after at a time when most of their friends were not there yet so they were out of sync with their peer group.

In the end they divorced. Both felt if they had gotten sucked into an early serious relationship vortex that just carried them along and when all you have ever known is this one person and you haven’t been single since you were 13, they also stayed together longer than they should have as being apart and losing each other’s families (who were like their own) was too scary.

This is outside the norm. Most kids date and break up. I don't forbid dating but engagement at 19 would be a hell no in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is too young.

Those who don’t get this; hope you’re ready to deal with a teen pregnancy!

So do you just issue the edict of no dating and then no need to do anything else? LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine married the guy she started dating at 14. She will 100% not let her kids be in serious bf/gf relationships at that age.

Dating as in hang out at school or in a group or in public - sure. Dating as in have them over to get to know your family, deepen their relationship through extended 1:1 time together in their home and giving them private space to build a more intimate relationship - no.

Why? Was she not happy with how things worked out? Just curious.

No, they are now divorced. She said becoming so close to his family as a teen made it seem like they were already married and she had in-laws. They joked about it. She felt a part of their family and he hers and it became what was just almost expected of them. Both families loved the boy/friend girlfriend.

She also said neither of them ever got to be single or form their own identify, they were Matt and Sarah from 8th grade on. They did a lot together and while they had their own interests their lives were enmeshed from such an early age that they developed together versus independently.

They got engaged at 19 and so college was a really different experience for them and every bit of free time was driving back and forth and managing a long distance relationship and finding time to be together so again she says they didn’t really get to be young adults.

They also never dated anyone else and down the road both felt a little resentful that they had been so serious so early and all they had ever known was a serious relationship. They got married soon after college as they had already been together ten years and it was easier for his career if they were married. They had kids soon after at a time when most of their friends were not there yet so they were out of sync with their peer group.

In the end they divorced. Both felt if they had gotten sucked into an early serious relationship vortex that just carried them along and when all you have ever known is this one person and you haven’t been single since you were 13, they also stayed together longer than they should have as being apart and losing each other’s families (who were like their own) was too scary.

This is outside the norm. Most kids date and break up. I don't forbid dating but engagement at 19 would be a hell no in our family.

Agree. To be worried that your kid is going to get married by dating at 14 is a bit much. Worry about them having sex, yes - but marriage? Uh, no.

[Anonymous]

I find this thread fascinating. For those on the no dating at 14 team…what age do you deem appropriate? 15? 16? 18? 22?

In our house it was no dating until high school. At that point it was more important to me who my daughter was dating as opposed to a set number. Did the guy treat her with respect? Did he allow her to be an individual with her own independent interests etc

And yes…we talked about sex and protection at nauseum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is too young.

Those who don’t get this; hope you’re ready to deal with a teen pregnancy!

So “dating” at 14 leads to teen pregnancy?

What about dating at 16? That doesn’t lead to teen pregnancy?

You sound so uneducated.

Pretty sure teen pregnancy happens when two teens have unprotected sex. Doesn’t matter if they are even dating or one night stand, what age they were when dating, or if it is their very first date at 19yrs old.