Seeking productive advice for how to deal with ‘always on’ houseguests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

I sympathize, but how often do they visit? Is it just once a year? Why are you going to Lowe's and getting pedicures during their visits? Why can't that wait until they leave? I don't think that's being a very good host. These aren't activities to get the kids out of the house. Weird. It sounds like you view them as a burden. Why invite them in the first place?

OP here. I just replied to someone else about this--they come stay with us for several days at a time every six weeks/every two months or so. I don't know where you got the idea that they stay with us once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a coffee maker with a timer, and set it so it makes the coffee when they’re getting up.

I would do this. Not solving the whole issue ofc but will help!

[Anonymous]

Kind but clear communication can help. They probably have no idea that it's straining the relationship or there are other ways to do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

You can not change them. You can change the fact that it bothers you. Send your DH downstairs around whatever time they normally wake up to make coffee and get breakfast started. The rest of you appear whenever. IGNORE the comments about "we can to see YOU" and say "Yes, we'll be back around 2pm, see you then!" as you take the kids outside. But the main way to deal with this is the just pretend you don't even notice all the comments. I think I've heard this referred to as "dumb and cheerful". You are upbeat, you are doing what you want, and by golly the little comments don't even pierce your silly little brain!

[Anonymous]

May be they don't want to make much noise while waiting or worried about messing up the kitchen or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

If you have people over for four days why are you going to the grocery store, getting a pedicure, going to Lowe's, or raking leaves? Those things seem to me like stuff you should get done before or after company comes?

OP here. Because they come to stay with us every 6 weeks/every two months or so. They visit frequently. Holidays are a little less "chores to do" but I'm not just talking about holiday visit, I'm talking about all visits. They visit sometimes even knowing we have school and full work schedules and can't take days off. They visit a lot. I'm giving examples. And yeah, when my husband has a few extra days off work, he does use that time to do small home repairs he otherwise can't always squeeze in--he doesn't do that on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but yes, he may do that on the 26th!

Wow. That's a lot of togetherness. Do they invite themselves?

Ignore their rude comments and carry on. What else can you do, other than having DH talk to them about expectations and less frequent visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

I would lose my mind with people like that. I would shorten their visits and walk away from them regularly. No one would hold me hostage in my own home during the holidays. You only have so many holidays with your kids before they're grown up and gone.

[Anonymous]

They need to visit a lot less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to visit a lot less.

OP here. Yes, DH and I have been talking about this. We're going to start "stretching" the time between visits so that 6 weeks is never a thing...we can handle 8-10 weeks between visits. We're not going to announce this, we're just going to push the dates back and pad the time in between visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to clear my schedule when my MIL comes. For example, I would NEVER visit a cousin like you suggested. But, I do household chores and when my kids were little, my MIL could come along on family outings (she enjoyed them).

When she says “But we came here to see YOU!” can’t you reply “I thought you came here to visit with the kids also? They’d really like your company when we go to the museum/walk/movie/ice skating”

I’m a little informal. I personally would say, oh come on! It will be fun! Please!” Make her feel wanted.

Hopefully my future DILs are like you. You sound nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at old family pictures or movies with them, learn family recipes from them, invite parents of some friends so they have a good time.

Be creative, 5 days aren't that long.

DP but my ILs are as OP describes. At least in my situation, it's not that there aren't activities that can be done, it's that they have zero interest in socializing with anyone else/helping to cook anything/doing anything except sitting, being hosted, and having adult conversation.
And yes, 5 days is a very long time of 8am-10pm sitting around the house with the same people "chatting" and hosting, providing every meal, snack, etc. Frankly 2 days of that exhausts me.

Think of it as a difficult project and find creative solutions.

I don't believe that every holiday should be a "difficult project" to solve because of self-involved family members.
Personally I'd like for me and my family to have an enjoyable time and if ILs or other family members have a very different idea of a nice time, they do not need to take 5 entire days for their nice time. 1 or 2 are sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to clear my schedule when my MIL comes. For example, I would NEVER visit a cousin like you suggested. But, I do household chores and when my kids were little, my MIL could come along on family outings (she enjoyed them).

When she says “But we came here to see YOU!” can’t you reply “I thought you came here to visit with the kids also? They’d really like your company when we go to the museum/walk/movie/ice skating”

I’m a little informal. I personally would say, oh come on! It will be fun! Please!” Make her feel wanted.

Hopefully my future DILs are like you. You sound nice.

It sounds like OP and her husband ARE inviting the ILs to join them, and they just refuse to leave the house. Not sure what OP can do about that, other than keep inviting, but also keep running her errands, taking the kids to the park, etc. No way am I sitting in the house for days because someone has a misguided idea of sociability.

[Anonymous]

I find it strange that your dh doesn't just sit down and have a talk with them about this.

[Anonymous]

all they want and expect to do is talk, and passive aggressively whine when we do anything else. “We came here to see YOU!” Yes, and you are seeing us for virtually every waking hour for several days, but I’m going to let the kids play with their toys, go ride their bikes, and I have laundry to do, and may run out to see my cousin who lives one town over, etc. Any mention of anyone leaving the house, doing their own thing, or reading a book is “rude.”

THIS is the passage that's the real issue, then.

Your DH (not you--your DH, their adult son) flat out tells them, nicely but clearly, "I've noticed that you get up earlier than we do on holidays. We're going to be up later than you because that's our schedule. I would appreciate your switching on the coffee that's already set up for you. Then please help yourself to some and it'll be ready when we come down which is a big help. By the way, today, DW is seeing her cousin for a holiday visit and will be out most of the day. I thought I'd take you and dad to (wherever) this afternoon." And so on. Announce, don't ask. Don't give them enough lead time to complain before the fact, just go and do with a quick heads-up. They sound insecure and anxious about Not Having Anything to Do. I'd give them tasks, actually--helping the kids put together a puzzle, helping decorate something, writing out their recipes for you, anything.

A good reply for when they try "We came here to see YOU" and complain is for DH to say: "And we're glad you're here to see us. For us that means talking but it also means you're here to see us in our day to day lives and laundry and kids dont' go on hold over the holidays, right? If I don't do laundry today, I won't have any clean clothes for Christmas Day. Be back in a while. There are fresh cookies in the kitchen so please help yourself." Or would you like to fold laundry with me?" Note that I have DH saying this. He handles his folks as you would handle yours, if they were the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to clear my schedule when my MIL comes. For example, I would NEVER visit a cousin like you suggested. But, I do household chores and when my kids were little, my MIL could come along on family outings (she enjoyed them).

When she says “But we came here to see YOU!” can’t you reply “I thought you came here to visit with the kids also? They’d really like your company when we go to the museum/walk/movie/ice skating”

I’m a little informal. I personally would say, oh come on! It will be fun! Please!” Make her feel wanted.

Hopefully my future DILs are like you. You sound nice.

NP, Honestly ILs are so much easier! I’m happy to put a little extra cheer in my voice for my ILs to make them feel wanted and loved. And they would go along either the plans! If I did that for my mom, she’d say ”you can see me at your house where we can talk and it’s comfortable” and then it’d be straight back to another 8 hours of adult conversation.