Seeking productive advice for how to deal with ‘always on’ houseguests
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Anonymous
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My ILs will be visiting us for Christmas, likely staying overnight about four or five nights. DH’s cousin is also staying overnight for a night or two. Cousin is super chill, no problems there.
ILs are very nice but are always “on” and never seem to be at ease as guests in our home, which makes things feel tense and weird at a time when we should be relaxed and enjoying the holidays at home. By this I mean that they will wake up at 6 a.m. and instead of either staying downstairs in the guest room sitting area, or even coming upstairs and making themselves coffee (which I always set up the night before), they will come upstairs and literally sit and wait for us to come downstairs. We usually sleep in until about 7:30 or 8 during breaks. We set out food, put notes about what is where, remind them that coffee is set up and they can help themselves, but they are sitting there waiting. They spring up the second one of us comes downstairs and the vibe is essentially “finally, we can finally have coffee and food, we’ve been waiting and waiting.” (This is clearly a them thing, as my parents and every other houseguest we have ever had has felt free to turn the coffee on and help themselves to muffins, etc.) They sit and stare and seem to consider focused adult conversation the only acceptable activity. They even expect our young kids to just sit around and talk to them. DH and I (and DH’s cousin) do sit and talk with them quite a lot, but we’ve got things to do, and we want to get out of the house a bit with the kids, to go to the park, maybe a movie, maybe a museum, just low-key stuff that they are totally physically able to do. But all they want to do is sit and talk. I leave out magazines and the WiFi password, I put out the paper and make sure they know it contains a crossword, but forget it—all they want and expect to do is talk, and passive aggressively whine when we do anything else. “We came here to see YOU!” Yes, and you are seeing us for virtually every waking hour for several days, but I’m going to let the kids play with their toys, go ride their bikes, and I have laundry to do, and may run out to see my cousin who lives one town over, etc. Any mention of anyone leaving the house, doing their own thing, or reading a book is “rude.” How do I help to create a more relaxing dynamic this year? DH is also dreading their visit and has said he honestly prefers when my parents visit for the holidays because they are more relaxed. I honestly want to make this better—my kids are old enough to think their grandparents are weird, hover-y and they don’t really like hanging out with them. Looking for solution-oriented advice, please. |
Anonymous
| No help, just commiseration. My in-laws are the same. Kids in college now and they have never changed. |
Anonymous
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“finally, we can finally have coffee and food, we’ve been waiting and waiting.” OP, this is your interpretation
all they want to do is sit and talk. So, they don't get their way. Sounds like you already do what you want to do. Continue doing that. “rude” you don't know this |
Anonymous
| How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him. |
Anonymous
dp what does this even mean?? |
Anonymous
| People, OP said the parents can come too, but prefer to sit at talk. |
Anonymous
| You're talking to them as you walk out the door and say - hey, come along! |
Anonymous
OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to. “But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.” |
Anonymous
| IL’s stay home, visit via Zoom, FaceTime, etc for one hour on the holiday. More than enough time. |
Anonymous
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I think if you want to address it, you have to have your DH say something to them. He can ask them to change something specific, like where the sit to wait for you to wake up if what they're doing now is inconvenient. I wouldn't have him give a vague, make yourself at home themed serious conversation with them, because they've heard that many times and might think you're just being polite by saying that. If they know that something they're doing is inconvenient and know what your preference is, with specific instructions, they might change.
That said, it sounds annoying but not actually worth addressing. Ignore the quirks when you can, because you haven't done anything wrong, and they're probably just uncomfortable not being in their own home. Basically, keep being friendly, keep being welcoming, don't pester, and ignore their anxious habits. It can be hard for some people to be out of their routine and be a guest when they see their role as the leader (parent). Anxiety is also really common for older people. Pushing too hard could be counter productive by making them more anxious. Or maybe they're abusive jerks and you should cut them off. This is DCUM, after all. |
Anonymous
DH needs to be frank with his parents that the kids can't be expected to sit inside the house all day. "Mom and Dad, the kids need to get outside. Jennie is taking them to the park. Do you want to come, or do you want to stay here?" (parents complain about wanting to stay and visit) "Ok, you're staying. You'll get to visit more when they get back." You both need to get comfortable just going about your business and glossing over the protests and disappointment. The activities you are describing are not bad, and you are not being rude. In fact, it's typically considered polite for houseguests to make themselves scare for at least part of the visit so the hosts can have some downtime. |
Anonymous
| I'd just ... stop inviting them to stay for so long. Two days, one overnight and that's it. Arrive Saturday, leave Sunday type of thing. If they complain that's not enough time "But when we've had you over for four or five days you just want to stay in the house all day and sit around and talk; we're an active family that likes to do group activities outside of the house. It doesn't seem we mesh well for long periods of time." |
Anonymous
Also, you in your Op you said this "Any mention of anyone leaving the house, doing their own thing, or reading a book is “rude.” " Have they actually called you all rude? Or do they just huff and puff and frown? I would ignore huffing and frowing, but if they are complaining and calling you all rude DH needs to talk to them before they come. Address it directly by saying "We'd love to have you guys, but while you are here the kids need to get outside, Jennie needs to do laundry, I need to do some work. If you are going to complain and call us rude if we do those things, we need to shorten your visit to one or two nights." |
Anonymous
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What do they do when they are in their own home? Do they expect you to stay inside all day?
My parents are definitely more old fashioned and always want to socialize around a sit down meal. It's stifling for my DH, but until recently they were in town so it was easy. I wonder how visits will change, and you're making me worry! |
Anonymous
I wish you lived in my head and that I could come up with stuff like this. |