Seeking productive advice for how to deal with ‘always on’ houseguests
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Anonymous
If you have people over for four days why are you going to the grocery store, getting a pedicure, going to Lowe's, or raking leaves? Those things seem to me like stuff you should get done before or after company comes? |
Anonymous
That's stupid. People can't put their lives on hold for five days because guests don't want to leave the house for ANYTHING. And getting pedicures together is a perfectly normal activity to suggest. When we visit my parents, I often run errands with my mom or do chores with my dad, since that's a way to spend time together and make our visits less of a disruption. |
Anonymous
| Why not set up movies and board games, even if they aren't actively participating, only others are, it would creat a relaxed atmosphere and take focus away from the forced small talk. |
Anonymous
| I agree that I often will invite my mom or SIL to go out for a pedicure together when we/they visit. In addition to some big family outings, it’s nice to split into smaller groups so it shakes up the dynamics and you get to chat with different family members. So we might go do something all together on day 1, then DH/FIL/DS do something on while I/MIL/DDs do something on day 2, then the grandparents and kids do something together on Day 3, then we get a sitter and do grownups-only nice meal out on day 4, then another all-family event on day 5. It breaks up the trip and the kids get to really know their grandparents by engaging more across a variety of environments. |
Anonymous
It sounds like the ILs wouldn't like this, because they don't like it if the kids are playing with other toys while they are there. |
Anonymous
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Look at old family pictures or movies with them, learn family recipes from them, invite parents of some friends so they have a good time.
Be creative, 5 days aren't that long. |
Anonymous
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My mom could be your ILs, OP. She has this whole concept of “visiting” that made sense during her childhood when her entire extended family lived in one neighborhood. They would drop in on each other on Sundays after mass and would just sit and make conversation. Kids would sit still and play quietly in the same room as adults. But it only happened for a few hours once a week, so it was tolerable.
Unfortunately my mother has had trouble translating her vision of how visiting should work to multi day visits that require a cross-country trip. Her first few visits were 12 hours/day of conversation. If she ran out of steam she’d grab a packet of save newspaper and magazine clippings to talk about. If, as the week went on, we ran out of little treats to go with our nonstop coffee, she would say that I must not have had time to get ready for her visit. We set boundaries on her visits (maintaining our normal routine, getting out and about), she gradually got more frustrated and huffy, and she started scheduling shorter visits and seeing my brother for the rest of the trip, and finally not visiting at all. Now she just throws occasional phone tantrums about how we never visit and is mad that I won’t pull my kids out of school for long stays at her house. They’re just not interested in sitting quietly for a week at someone else’s house, so I say “come to us but we’ll have a busy schedule so be ready to come along to practice, meets, school pickup, etc.”. My mom always says that’s not a proper visit or a proper invitation, throws a tantrum, and doesn’t talk to me for weeks. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Set boundaries and think ahead to how you’ll handle their reaction. |
Anonymous
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At first I thought, thank goodness I don't have relatives like OP's ILs. Then I remembered my uncles, who are similarly immovable when it comes to getting out of the house for easy activities. One uncle, in particular, is very inflexible and determinedly ready not to please or be pleased. My solution was hosting them once and never inviting them again.
I think the key is not feel responsible for their attitudes. You can't change rigid people. |
Anonymous
I have the kind of parent that would be happy if the child was playing with whatever they brought as a present, but if the kids switched to a different toy or wandered off, it would make it so much worse and the kids would be branded as “rude”. |
Anonymous
I thought this sentence was going to end with “…and when the timer goes off they have to leave.” My mom is one of these visitors and when we did the coffee time to try to solve the problem, she just waited for us anyway and said “I didn’t want to be rude and serve myself.” Lots to unpack there. |
Anonymous
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I try to clear my schedule when my MIL comes. For example, I would NEVER visit a cousin like you suggested. But, I do household chores and when my kids were little, my MIL could come along on family outings (she enjoyed them).
When she says “But we came here to see YOU!” can’t you reply “I thought you came here to visit with the kids also? They’d really like your company when we go to the museum/walk/movie/ice skating” I’m a little informal. I personally would say, oh come on! It will be fun! Please!” Make her feel wanted. |
Anonymous
DP but my ILs are as OP describes. At least in my situation, it's not that there aren't activities that can be done, it's that they have zero interest in socializing with anyone else/helping to cook anything/doing anything except sitting, being hosted, and having adult conversation. And yes, 5 days is a very long time of 8am-10pm sitting around the house with the same people "chatting" and hosting, providing every meal, snack, etc. Frankly 2 days of that exhausts me. |
Anonymous
| If they were living with you, it would be a different problem, needing real solutions but accommodating old parents who are set in their ways, isn't that big of a deal. Let their son and grandkids talk with them and you can go out for a run, grocery, gym, quick coffee with a friend etc. |
Anonymous
OP here. Because they come to stay with us every 6 weeks/every two months or so. They visit frequently. Holidays are a little less "chores to do" but I'm not just talking about holiday visit, I'm talking about all visits. They visit sometimes even knowing we have school and full work schedules and can't take days off. They visit a lot. I'm giving examples. And yeah, when my husband has a few extra days off work, he does use that time to do small home repairs he otherwise can't always squeeze in--he doesn't do that on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but yes, he may do that on the 26th! |
Anonymous
Think of it as a difficult project and find creative solutions. |