Seeking productive advice for how to deal with ‘always on’ houseguests

[Anonymous]

These kind of houseguests would drive me absolutely bonkers and I would not invite them again for any more than 2 days unless absolutely necessary.

They are treating their visits to you like it is a vacation, which might make sense if they were visiting you once a year. But even then, it would be intolerable if you did not have the time to do things on you own once a while, or if you had to have every single meal together. Also they sound a bit immature, the question is if they are manageable for you.

Here are some suggestions:
1. Be more direct with your asks and what you need. Say, "I need some alone time in the morning so I can be at my best the rest of the day. What else can I do to help set you guys up so that you can manage your own breakfast? Ask them if they prefer to read during breakfast, watch tv, what their favorite breakfast foods are, etc. And say, "The kids and I need to get out of the house for a while. Want to join me and the kids while we go to the park, or would you prefer to stay home?"
2. When you sit down in the living room, bring a book with you and read it. Don't feel pressured to just sit and make conversation with them every minute of the day.
3. Continue doing what you usually do, whether it is laundry, household chores, making appointments when they are there.
4. If they are truly immature, they won't be able to handle your simple and reasonable asks and respect your boundaries while they are staying in your home.
5. The other option is what I used to do when my kids were young and woke up at 6 am every morning. I woke up at an ungodly early hour - like 4:45am - I would sneak down, drink my coffee, meditate, and then go for a long walk or run. And I'd be back by 6am ready to tend to them the rest of the day. And I would put them to bed early, and go up to the bedroom at 8:45pm and close the door.
6. When they say "but we came to see you" in response to your asks/boundaries, just gently, firmly, simply and clearly repeat your ask. And never explain and invite a discussion over it. Just keep it simple and clear.
7. Set up a lot of independent quiet activities that they may enjoy during their stay - reading materials, puzzles, etc.
8. Invite them to help you and your husband with meal prep and some light chores like setting the table, so they feel more comfortable and less like a houseguest to be tended to, and more like a family member staying with you.

[Anonymous]

You need to make it just one night stay. “Sorry, we can only do one night this year” (and every year). If they ask, you say that you know they like to be your only focus for the time they’re here and that’s the time you have available for that.

[Anonymous]

We don’t spend dang time with in-laws because of similar things. They just like things their way and aren’t relaxed at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to make it just one night stay. “Sorry, we can only do one night this year” (and every year). If they ask, you say that you know they like to be your only focus for the time they’re here and that’s the time you have available for that.

OP said they come to visit every 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

If you have people over for four days why are you going to the grocery store, getting a pedicure, going to Lowe's, or raking leaves? Those things seem to me like stuff you should get done before or after company comes?

DP. This is such a weird question - I don't "host" my parents or in-laws like I would one time guests. They are family and know we can't just stop our lives for several days when they are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t spend dang time with in-laws because of similar things. They just like things their way and aren’t relaxed at all.

If a spouse was raised by loving parents, wouldn't you want him/her to host them from time to time, even if its an inconvenience and even if they come for several days because of long flight and stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

I sympathize, but how often do they visit? Is it just once a year? Why are you going to Lowe's and getting pedicures during their visits? Why can't that wait until they leave? I don't think that's being a very good host. These aren't activities to get the kids out of the house. Weird. It sounds like you view them as a burden. Why invite them in the first place?

OP here. I just replied to someone else about this--they come stay with us for several days at a time every six weeks/every two months or so. I don't know where you got the idea that they stay with us once a year.

If its often then just discuss it in a sensitive manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to visit a lot less.

OP here. Yes, DH and I have been talking about this. We're going to start "stretching" the time between visits so that 6 weeks is never a thing...we can handle 8-10 weeks between visits. We're not going to announce this, we're just going to push the dates back and pad the time in between visits.

That makes sense. May be your DH can visit them once or twice a year for long weekends so they won't have reason to visit regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another PP who can commiserate, although my demanding mom is local. Every interaction at her house involves constant conversation interspersed with “chores” - there is no relaxing
and or lounging around. If we are there visiting, she’s talking and or showing us something. Not allowed to look down at your phone, read a magazine - all eyes on her.

She does the same when she visits with my sister who lives in a beach community. She won’t walk to the beach, doesn’t want to shop or be driven around to sightsee. Prefers to be entertained.

This is my parents!! It is considered beyond rude if anyone looks at their phone will in my parents presence. They don't care if it's an urgent work email on a 6 hour car ride (where I'm not driving) or confirming with DH what time I will be home that night. None of it is acceptable and they will complain incessantly about it all the time.