Seeking productive advice for how to deal with ‘always on’ houseguests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just ... stop inviting them to stay for so long. Two days, one overnight and that's it. Arrive Saturday, leave Sunday type of thing. If they complain that's not enough time "But when we've had you over for four or five days you just want to stay in the house all day and sit around and talk; we're an active family that likes to do group activities outside of the house. It doesn't seem we mesh well for long periods of time."

I wish you lived in my head and that I could come up with stuff like this.

I have a PhD in boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to be super direct with them and set clear expectations.

For the mornings: “please help yourselves to coffee and breakfast because we won’t be downstairs until after 8am.”

Set aside specific times to sit and talk, which seems to be what they want, and be clear other times are for other activities. “Tomorrow morning we can sit and chat a bit after we wake up and get breakfast but we’re going to start getting ready to go to the park around 10am. We can have lunch together when we get back but in the afternoon we’re going to be doing our own thing (doing chores, resting, going upstairs to read.)”

[Anonymous]

I think the only way is to do what you are planning to do a a not pay attention to their passive aggressive stares

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just have to be super direct with them and set clear expectations.

For the mornings: “please help yourselves to coffee and breakfast because we won’t be downstairs until after 8am.”

Set aside specific times to sit and talk, which seems to be what they want, and be clear other times are for other activities. “Tomorrow morning we can sit and chat a bit after we wake up and get breakfast but we’re going to start getting ready to go to the park around 10am. We can have lunch together when we get back but in the afternoon we’re going to be doing our own thing (doing chores, resting, going upstairs to read.)”

Not OP but I like this very much! Basically saying “you can sulk as much as you want but here is the plan and we are going to stick to it”

[Anonymous]

I feel seen. These are my inlaws. We did finally get FIL to stay out of the gym until 6:30 (he was getting his workouts in at 4, then fumbling around for his oj and metamucil then taking a noisy shower. Then up for a few hours to pounce on me when i’d stumble out at 7:30).

[Anonymous]

Do what we do on family vacations. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Get up early, sleep late, lounge on the beach, go shopping. Just do it. No apologies.

I’m not a morning person, and I would tell them before bed, hey it’s vacation, we’ll be sleeping in, so don’t hold breakfast for us. Otherwise, ignore.

[Anonymous]

OP our dynamics are different but I empathize. The part about not wanting to go out and do anything is SO spot on. It feels so stifling. I too have two young kids and they need to burn off energy outside and enjoy activities, not try to sit for.long multi course adult meals. There is this sense that only being inside counts as family time. Or that not wanting to do anything else.makes them feel low maintenance. Like you I am always suggesting things we can do as a group but there is no interest.

Agree with others this is too many days for that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just have to be super direct with them and set clear expectations.

For the mornings: “please help yourselves to coffee and breakfast because we won’t be downstairs until after 8am.”

Set aside specific times to sit and talk, which seems to be what they want, and be clear other times are for other activities. “Tomorrow morning we can sit and chat a bit after we wake up and get breakfast but we’re going to start getting ready to go to the park around 10am. We can have lunch together when we get back but in the afternoon we’re going to be doing our own thing (doing chores, resting, going upstairs to read.)”

Not OP but I like this very much! Basically saying “you can sulk as much as you want but here is the plan and we are going to stick to it”

OP here. Thank you all, I am taking notes! I’m starting to realize that…it’s not my choice for them to sulk, only they can choose whether or not to go ahead and drink coffee and eat muffins in the morning, or go on outings with us, or sit and sulk. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Give them things to do, make them feel part of the family? Ask them to prepare a breakfast casserole or pancakes-and-bacon in the morning. Tell them to help your kids put on their outerwear and that you want them to time the kids as they bike loops around the block outside

[Anonymous]

Another PP who can commiserate, although my demanding mom is local. Every interaction at her house involves constant conversation interspersed with “chores” - there is no relaxing
and or lounging around. If we are there visiting, she’s talking and or showing us something. Not allowed to look down at your phone, read a magazine - all eyes on her.

She does the same when she visits with my sister who lives in a beach community. She won’t walk to the beach, doesn’t want to shop or be driven around to sightsee. Prefers to be entertained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the only way is to do what you are planning to do a a not pay attention to their passive aggressive stares

This. Don’t worry about it. Let them feel however they feel.

[Anonymous]

Get a coffee maker with a timer, and set it so it makes the coffee when they’re getting up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just have to be super direct with them and set clear expectations.

For the mornings: “please help yourselves to coffee and breakfast because we won’t be downstairs until after 8am.”

Set aside specific times to sit and talk, which seems to be what they want, and be clear other times are for other activities. “Tomorrow morning we can sit and chat a bit after we wake up and get breakfast but we’re going to start getting ready to go to the park around 10am. We can have lunch together when we get back but in the afternoon we’re going to be doing our own thing (doing chores, resting, going upstairs to read.)”

Not OP but I like this very much! Basically saying “you can sulk as much as you want but here is the plan and we are going to stick to it”

+1. I like this as well. I also think your husband should pull them aside and have a word.

And the suggestion about the coffee maker with a timer is golden. Set it to brew at 0615 and tell them it will be brewing then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the only way is to do what you are planning to do a a not pay attention to their passive aggressive stares

This. Don’t worry about it. Let them feel however they feel.

+1. You can't make people feel happy or at ease if they are actively choosing not to be. If they are actively choosing not to have coffee or breakfast when you have made it perfectly clear they may help themselves, so what if they "pounce"? Just ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you take your MIL with you. How about DH takes his Father along with him.

OP here. “Take them along” where? They don’t want to go on a walk around the nearby lake that has a few playgrounds around it (totally flat and smooth surface, and they have no mobility issues). They don’t want to go see a family movie together. They don’t want to drive through the light show. They don’t want to go to a museum or aquarium. They don’t even want to go out to lunch. If I suggested to MIL she “come along” with me to the grocery store or to get a pedicure, she would not want to go. If DH suggested that FIL “come along” with him to Lowe’s or to rake leaves, he wouldn’t want to.

“But we came here to see YOU” is the constant refrain. If we let the kids go out and ride bikes, that’s frowned upon because “we came here to see YOU.”

I sympathize, but how often do they visit? Is it just once a year? Why are you going to Lowe's and getting pedicures during their visits? Why can't that wait until they leave? I don't think that's being a very good host. These aren't activities to get the kids out of the house. Weird. It sounds like you view them as a burden. Why invite them in the first place?