Permanently canceling annual trip
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Anonymous
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I don’t know how you have stayed silent all these times. What did you say when she yelled at you for cooking breakfast in your own house?! I would have had a confrontation over this many years ago.
For now, you can have your husband bring it up with Hank some night they go out for dinner or whatever. Tell him to find a way to uninvite Flo from these long weekends, but he and the kids are still welcome. He can tell her she is clearly miserable, so she should do something else those weekend. If Hank doesn’t think he will be able to convince her, plan it as a dads and dudes weekend. You have a conference, or a reunion, or a great aunt’s funeral to attend. Then at the last minute your plans fall thru and you can go after all, but woops, forgot to mention it to Flo until after. Or take two cars and bring just their kids. |
Anonymous
| Maybe having a conversation with Hank about this will make him realize what staying in this awful marriage is costing him. Not only are he and his kids miserable, his wife is so intolerable that his long time best friends cannot even stand to be around her. Hank should call some divorce lawyers and find out if her threats to take the kids to Italy with her have any merit. |
Anonymous
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I understand the situation pretty well, OP because my husband's brother's wife is a lot like Flo (she's from the Balkans and always claims that as a reason for her abusive nature--"in my country, we have big personalities and everyone yells at each other" she has told us many times). She's also very uptight about seemingly insignificant things and, strangely, one of her big things is that her kids must always wear the correct footwear indoors or outdoors so I laughed about your slipper comment.
Since she's family and we want to keep seeing my BIL and nephew and niece, I feel there is no escaping her... But in your case, you definitely are totally justified in just not inviting her anymore. Make it clear to Hank that he and the kids are wonderful and you want to maintain your relationship w them. Have your husband invite just Hank to do things, or invite just the kids to do things, or do as PP suggested and have the dads and kids go to the lake house without making it a whole family affair. Arrange get togethers w Hank and kids for times when Flo is gone. I wouldn't bring up Flo as reason for stopping invites unless Hank presses you on it. If he does, I think it's fine to say "to be honest, Flo is always yelling and complaining and doesn't seem to enjoy the trip. We don't feel comfortable when we vacation with her due to her yelling and complaining/criticizing." Hank may be upset to hear this but I'm sure he would understand where you're coming from. |
Anonymous
| Soundds like everyone is miserable. Time for someone to be blunt with Flo about what a snatch she is and call her out on it. Ask her if she's unhappy in the U.S. and if so then why doesn't she go back to Italy and leave the kids here and come visit for a month a couple times a year. Maybe she just needs a come to Jesus to help her do what she already wants to do. |
Anonymous
OH MY GOD WITH THE SLIPPERS!!!!!! I think until you’ve had someone interrupt your peaceful dinner multiple times to scream at people about slippers you don’t understand. No one will die if they accidentally run out on to the deck (which I legit clean constantly) in bare feet. No one will die if someone comes to dinner in socks!!!! This makes me totally insane. I do like slippers and wear them, but a 6 year old will forget. They just will! Gently reminding them is one thing. Flipping out and screaming about how “their socks are disgusting now and will have to be thrown away” (keep in mind the socks are puppy socks so now the 6 year old is crying silent hot angry tears) is another! I am going to Europe soon for work and will legit ask people what’s the deal with slippers. |
Anonymous
Yeah, if someone complained that I was cooking breakfast before they were ready to eat, I think I'd just laugh at them. How ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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DP. My mom (from East Asia) was similarly obsessed about slippers. My parents' house had wall to wall thick carpet, yet they always wore padded slippers b/c otherwise their feet would get cold. Mom absolutely insisted upon us wearing them too when we visited. Then we had to change into different slippers for the kitchen area, b/c it had tiles and not as clean as the carpeted area. She was militant about it and would shriek if we didn't wear the correct slippers.
It doesn't matter where Flo is from. People like that have some form of mental illness that makes them obsess over certain things. My mom had some anxiety disorder and was extremely controlling and liable to scream and shout when we didn't comply with her fully. In Flo and Hank's case, there's also marital issues that add misery. You don't have subject your family to Flo's behavior though. Protect yourselves, protect your kids, offer Hank support. That's really all you can do. |
Anonymous
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Flo sounds like she has a personality disorder, not that this is any excuse to be abusive. And I'm sure Hank knows she is horrible.
I'd just have your husband say, look, the family trips haven't been run and relaxing for you guys recently, how about just a dads and kids trip? He can word it in whatever way he thinks will be the least upsetting. You are not obligated to invite anyone to your home and you can always set the parameters for what you will and won't go for. |
Anonymous
| This is YOUR home and should be your haven. Your DH needs to talk to his friend and tell him the family visits are off for the foreseeable future (do not give a timeframe). Too much yelling and screaming. These trips are supposed to be fun. |
Anonymous
Invite Hank and the kids while she is in her home country for a few months. |
Anonymous
| OP I have a really good friend who I respect and admire. We have a great time getting together. I vacationed once with her and her three kids (all under the age of 11) and I will never do it again. The amount that she screamed at them completely put my teeth on edge. My daughter and I felt like we had to tiptoe around everyone the entire weekend. It’s hard to reconcile her parenting style with our friendship but what I learned was that we just can’t travel together. This sounds similar. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like Hank needs your family . As an an old close friend, your DH should have a conversation with him. Make sure he’s ok. She may be contributing to the increase in alcohol or maybe something else is wrong. I’m sorry this awful woman spoils your happy place. |
Anonymous
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OP I don’t mind you wrote a long post. It gives a clear picture. I think the relationship with you and Flo is over. It can’t be wonderful for your kids to have to see and live through Flos abuse in vacation or anytime really.
Your DH is going to have to explain ( for some reason or other) that the family thing isn’t happening anymore. In a year or so they will probably be divorced or else be that couple who just scream at each other. But is not your problem to solve except by no more invites. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the posters who say dh should talk to Hank one on one.
My DH has an old friend who was cool until the wife came along. We tried to hang out as couples but it's unbearable, and I'm pretty easy going and tried to defend her for a long time. Now they mostly just do guys weekends. |
Anonymous
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DH does what he wants with whomever he wants
No need for you to be there Op |