Permanently canceling annual trip

[Anonymous]

Sometime this winter your husband should send Hank a note that says you’ve enjoyed hosting them at the lake but you want to use this summer for one on one time with your kids and won’t be able to host, and that you wanted to tell them way in advance so they can make other plans. Say something about getting together in town a different week for a BBQ.

If that blows up your husband’s friendship with Hank, it wasn’t salvageable anyway. No real friendships are contingent on a vacation invitation.

[Anonymous]

Skip this year. Or start having the guys do “guy’s trips” only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is always room for new traditions. Here is one for you: My dad and his buddies used to take the kids on a dad and kids trip every summer.

You get a spa week; Hank encourages his wife to take a solo trip home to Italy; Dads and kids go to the lake.

Excellent!

[Anonymous]

Turn the trips into Father/child ones. Have your husband tell Hank to bring the kids up. He can claim you won't be up for the first several days or have to WFH. Keep a low profile the first day then start joining the fun
. Or schedule visits when she is out of the country.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the ideas. I guess I could manufacture a reason why wives couldn’t attend except I realllllllly like going out there.

I showed my husband the thread and he said I forgot to mention that Hank has said on many occasions that his wife’s solo trips to Italy were the reason they could stay married. Hank takes numerous boys trips throughout the year as well.

Husband also says Hank is drinking a lot more than he used to. Wonders if that might be the source of Flo’s rages- although she sure drinks a lot too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for the ideas. I guess I could manufacture a reason why wives couldn’t attend except I realllllllly like going out there.

I showed my husband the thread and he said I forgot to mention that Hank has said on many occasions that his wife’s solo trips to Italy were the reason they could stay married. Hank takes numerous boys trips throughout the year as well.

Husband also says Hank is drinking a lot more than he used to. Wonders if that might be the source of Flo’s rages- although she sure drinks a lot too.

Why can't you just go to the lake house without Hank's family? Does he expect to be included every time? Your H needs to be honest with him and let him know that Flo is making you guys really uncomfortable and you all still want to see him, but not like it's always been.

Hank could be drinking more as a coping mechanism. Who knows which came first. The drinking or the marital issues.

[Anonymous]

Talk to Hank. Let him know you're worried about him, being verbally abused and also that he is turning to alcohol to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for the ideas. I guess I could manufacture a reason why wives couldn’t attend except I realllllllly like going out there.

I showed my husband the thread and he said I forgot to mention that Hank has said on many occasions that his wife’s solo trips to Italy were the reason they could stay married. Hank takes numerous boys trips throughout the year as well.

Husband also says Hank is drinking a lot more than he used to. Wonders if that might be the source of Flo’s rages- although she sure drinks a lot too.

Why can't you just go to the lake house without Hank's family? Does he expect to be included every time? Your H needs to be honest with him and let him know that Flo is making you guys really uncomfortable and you all still want to see him, but not like it's always been.

Hank could be drinking more as a coping mechanism. Who knows which came first. The drinking or the marital issues.

Hank has been invited every Labor Day since we basically bought the house. He brought Flo back when they were first married (when she used to be fun Flo). All the kids have been there their whole lives.

The same goes for MLK weekend. We all go, have a snowball fight battle, and have the best time (minus Flo). In years past she was always wound a bit tight and would complain about the kids not wearing the right slippers (I’m telling you, the slippers are so important to her) or of the pizza if we ordered some food. We did take a break for 2020 and 2021 due to covid concerns and this year found her to be totally intolerable. The nagging and shouting and temper tantrums were always there but either hidden or not as explosive. Now she is openly fighting and screaming at Hank and the kids. And as I mentioned, even starting to complain about our behavior as well. I made a bagged salad and she wouldn’t touch it as “bagged salads contain diseases”. She was mad that I fed her kids crappy frozen Walmart pizza while she was cooking some elaborate dinner that was running late. The kids were super hungry and I didn't want them to wait until 10pm to have dinner!

Also her kids love coming to the lake. They love it. They talk about mlk weekend constantly. I felt terrible in 2020 and 2021 bc they weren’t with us. I feel sick at taking it from the kids.

[Anonymous]

If your DH is childhood friends with Hank and very close, I think they should schedule a guys’ weekend away and your DH should inquire how Hank is doing and listen. He must clearly know divorce is on the table and I bet he’d appreciate the opportunity to vent to a good friend and get a sounding board. If you were on edge around her, just imagine how Hank and the kids must feel. I think it would be okay for your DH to voice that Flo’s behavior is borderline (or maybe even actual) verbal abuse and that you guys are there to support him. As other posters mentioned, shut down the family things, but try to keep a lifeline to Hank and the kids because they may need your support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to Hank. Let him know you're worried about him, being verbally abused and also that he is turning to alcohol to cope.

I think Hank is not ready to hear this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for the ideas. I guess I could manufacture a reason why wives couldn’t attend except I realllllllly like going out there.

I showed my husband the thread and he said I forgot to mention that Hank has said on many occasions that his wife’s solo trips to Italy were the reason they could stay married. Hank takes numerous boys trips throughout the year as well.

Husband also says Hank is drinking a lot more than he used to. Wonders if that might be the source of Flo’s rages- although she sure drinks a lot too.

Why can't you just go to the lake house without Hank's family? Does he expect to be included every time? Your H needs to be honest with him and let him know that Flo is making you guys really uncomfortable and you all still want to see him, but not like it's always been.

Hank could be drinking more as a coping mechanism. Who knows which came first. The drinking or the marital issues.

At I didn’t answer your question really. We go all the time without Hank and Flo. But they really expect invitations for Labor Day and mlk day. We used to invite them for other times in the past before covid. Like this year, my kids made a banner for Hank and Flo’s kids welcoming back to the annual Labor Day trip.

[Anonymous]

(I am a very uptight person and if my kid was a guest at your vacation home and went to eat watermelon on the deck in a swimsuit I would tell her (not yelling) to eat it elsewhere so the watermelon juice doesn't attract insects where other people want to sit.)

OP, if I were in your shoes, I'd confront her. "Flo, if you're not hungry for breakfast now, just eat later when you are. Five children need to eat breakfast now." "Hey, could you please stop screaming? You may be a 'loud Italian' but we're quiet Americans and we're in America. Have you heard the phrase "When in Rome..."?" "Flo you really seem to hate everything here - so why do you come to our vacation home?" "If you think the food we buy is such shit, why don't you bring your own groceries from a store you like better?"

[Anonymous]

Can you invite just their kids? Then Hank and Flo can do their own thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(I am a very uptight person and if my kid was a guest at your vacation home and went to eat watermelon on the deck in a swimsuit I would tell her (not yelling) to eat it elsewhere so the watermelon juice doesn't attract insects where other people want to sit.)

OP, if I were in your shoes, I'd confront her. "Flo, if you're not hungry for breakfast now, just eat later when you are. Five children need to eat breakfast now." "Hey, could you please stop screaming? You may be a 'loud Italian' but we're quiet Americans and we're in America. Have you heard the phrase "When in Rome..."?" "Flo you really seem to hate everything here - so why do you come to our vacation home?" "If you think the food we buy is such shit, why don't you bring your own groceries from a store you like better?"

I genuinely wish I could talk to you about this in person bc a lot of the fights Flo picks just make no sense to me at all. I guess I get the watermelon comment- I mean we just rinsed off the deck when they were done!

She actually does bring her own groceries!!!!! she doesn't always share them either!

i guess i could confront her although i find this intimidating.

this feels so cathartic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you invite just their kids? Then Hank and Flo can do their own thing?

Our car isn’t big enough.