Permanently canceling annual trip

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10/12/2022 11:02

Subject: Permanently canceling annual trip

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Anonymous

For the past few years we have gone on many trips with some family friends. The husbands are childhood friends growing up. We have kids of similar ages who are friends. I cannot take trips with them again.

DH and his friend “Hank” have known each other since they were kids. Hank met his wife “Flo” overseas in Italy, married her and brought her back here. Flo speaks constantly about her life back in Italy, bringing it up in nearly every conversation. Every meal is Italian. She disparages the USA constantly despite the fact that her husband and kids are American. Flo can be fun, but after this past Labor Day neither I nor my husband can take being around her. We invited Hank and Flo with their kids to our summer house. It’s casual and has a beautiful lake for swimming. Our kids spend the day in a swimsuit most of the time, swimming and paddling around. In the winter we have snowball fights and go skiing. It is a very casual place, not remotely fancy. Hank has been our guest for over a decade. I don’t know how to tell him that we do not want to invite them again. It will crush Hank and the kids and will probably ruin the friendship with the husbands.

Flo is just intolerable. She throws a fit over the smallest thing. I understand that shouting at people might be culturally okay where she is from, but it is utterly exhausting to hear her scream at her husband and children all day. I do not truly believe most Italians are like this, but she claims she’s just a “loud Italian”. First of all, she was definitely not always like this- I’m wondering if it is due to her becoming more comfortable with us and showing her true nature or just getting worse. Hank is the target of most of her rage, but she is constantly, constantly screaming at her kids. Everything has to be so perfect- kids must come to the table with their hair freshly brushed, slippers on (God help them if they were on the deck without their deck slippers or in the house without their house slippers- yes two different ones), and “appropriate clothing”. My daughter had some watermelon outside barefoot in a swimsuit and her daughter decided to join her. Flo completely lost her mind and berated her daughter. My own daughter just looked at the situation with horror. It’s one thing to see someone upset about something they know is wrong, it’s another to see someone totally humiliated over something trivial.

The way Flo treats Hank I would describe as abusive. She destroys him regularly, talking to him like he is a child. She shouts at him over the smallest thing- did he remember to pack such and such? If he is slightly late or did something not to her liking, she just screams and calls him names. It is downright disturbing. The last day they were there we went downstairs to make breakfast. My husband and I were nervous and shaking because we were waiting for her to lose her temper. Sure enough, Flo woke up furious because we were “making breakfast when she was not hungry”. I mean nevermind that there are 5 children waiting for breakfast and it’s nearly 9am. She also refuses to touch any of our food because we get a lot at “downmarket” places like Trader Joe’s or Walmart. FWIW, Walmart is the closest grocery store to our weekend house and where we get most perishables. I really don’t see how Walmart apples “taste disgusting”. All weekend she insisted on cooking elaborate Italian meals. Obviously the food was great, but I was so tired from constantly cleaning up after her.

I know Hank is capable of taking care of himself, but I’m so sad at how he’s enabling his wife’s behavior towards their children. According to Flo, divorce is on the table (she told me this for some reason while I was cleaning the kitchen after one of her meals). I am pretty sure Hank is terrified that she’ll take the kids back to Italy and he won’t be able to see them. For the kids’ sakes it might be best for them to stay married if only so they’ll be with Hank.

Are we wrong to cut off Hank and his kids due to his wife’s behavior? I realize that my husband and kids and I are all terrified of her outbursts. We are supposed to see them for Thanksgiving and I’m seriously contemplating buying overpriced airfare to have an ironclad excuse to be away from this devil woman. At the same time, we love Hank and the kids and feel bad abandoning them.