Permanently canceling annual trip

[Anonymous]

Hank should put the kids passports in a safety deposit box only he has access to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flo sounds like she has a personality disorder, not that this is any excuse to be abusive. And I'm sure Hank knows she is horrible.

I'd just have your husband say, look, the family trips haven't been run and relaxing for you guys recently, how about just a dads and kids trip? He can word it in whatever way he thinks will be the least upsetting. You are not obligated to invite anyone to your home and you can always set the parameters for what you will and won't go for.

I definitely agree she has a personality disorder. I don’t think it is just cultural. I also think she’s depressed. She doesn’t seem to take a lot of joy in anything and that was definitely not the case before. She was always a fussy combative person, but since 2020 she’s been extra ragey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hank should put the kids passports in a safety deposit box only he has access to

I’m going to suggest it as a joke when I see him next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hank should put the kids passports in a safety deposit box only he has access to

I’m going to suggest it as a joke when I see him next.

It’s not a joke. He should do it. And he should not let her take the kids to Italy alone.

He may be able to talk to the state department about putting something in a database where she can’t take them out of the country without his permission. I’m not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP. My mom (from East Asia) was similarly obsessed about slippers. My parents' house had wall to wall thick carpet, yet they always wore padded slippers b/c otherwise their feet would get cold. Mom absolutely insisted upon us wearing them too when we visited. Then we had to change into different slippers for the kitchen area, b/c it had tiles and not as clean as the carpeted area. She was militant about it and would shriek if we didn't wear the correct slippers.

It doesn't matter where Flo is from. People like that have some form of mental illness that makes them obsess over certain things. My mom had some anxiety disorder and was extremely controlling and liable to scream and shout when we didn't comply with her fully. In Flo and Hank's case, there's also marital issues that add misery.

You don't have subject your family to Flo's behavior though. Protect yourselves, protect your kids, offer Hank support. That's really all you can do.

We should have a slippers group therapy session.

There are slippers for the deck. There are water shoes for the lake (this makes sense to me). There are slippers for the house. The kids wash their feet with the hose before getting on the deck and leave their water shoes. Then they can run on the deck which has some toys and things. we also have dinner occasionally on the deck. Getting from the lake to their bedrooms involves three different types of footwear. This is fine if you’re an adult but for goodness sakes imagine a small child! And again it’s okay if you want this policy, but don’t lose your mind when you see incorrect footwear.

By the way, because of the amount of people in the house I sweep and vacuum every day. I would understand if the floors were gritty or dirty, but they’re quite clean! And I use a steam mop every few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hank should put the kids passports in a safety deposit box only he has access to

I’m going to suggest it as a joke when I see him next.

It’s not a joke. He should do it. And he should not let her take the kids to Italy alone.

He may be able to talk to the state department about putting something in a database where she can’t take them out of the country without his permission. I’m not sure.

My husband says he is absolutely certain this is Hank’s greatest fear. The kids speak fluent Italian. Hank does not.

Husband also thinks Hank is still in love with his wife and wouldn’t leave her.

[Anonymous]

Love your kids and family more than Hank and his kids. Don't mess up the holiday time of your family to be inclussive of Flo. If Flo could learn to go with the flow a bit when issues have been brought up, that would be different. Instead she has ramped things up. People should not be on edge just waiting for the bomb to explode.

Explain to him, that she is not welcome back until her anger is under control. Suggest he come up with the just the kids to give her a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reads like an assignment for a class on short story writing.

You are in good company OP.

A lot of my posts end up like yours do.

Sometimes I begin writing ✍🏽……

And cannot stop!

Just like with my talking!!

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like a “Maria problem” - cue sound of music nuns singing “what do we do with a problem like Maria?”


She’s homesick and this is her first country abroad so she is romanticizing her home country … cut her some slack, show her some warmth, give her space to be move through this phase, and you might be surprised to find a lovely person underneath the anxious expat version of Maria ….

[Anonymous]

are you a good host? It sounds like there is something missing. Maybe she feels unwelcome and it’s provoked anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I kind of wonder if maybe she doesn’t like these trips. She might be delighted to switch it to a “guys and kids” weekend once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is always room for new traditions. Here is one for you: My dad and his buddies used to take the kids on a dad and kids trip every summer.

You get a spa week; Hank encourages his wife to take a solo trip home to Italy; Dads and kids go to the lake.

Winner, winner. Everyone wins, including Flo. She sounds really homesick. Or crazy. Hard to tell.

[Anonymous]

If roles were reversed and Hank was treating Flo like this everyone would be rushing to help her get away from the abuse. Please talk to Hank. Both of you. And try to get those kids a chance to come alone. They are not in a good situation.

I feel like you've all done a disservice by not speaking up. There are so many ways to gently contradict her or express your displeasure when she starts her tantrums. Yo totally have the upper hand because you can start anything with "In our home it's okay to . . . " Remind her gently that she's a guest and your rules come first

[Anonymous]

If you don't like the spouse, then you just have the husbands get together. Done. That's how we do it. Works great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flo sounds like she has a personality disorder, not that this is any excuse to be abusive. And I'm sure Hank knows she is horrible.

I'd just have your husband say, look, the family trips haven't been run and relaxing for you guys recently, how about just a dads and kids trip? He can word it in whatever way he thinks will be the least upsetting. You are not obligated to invite anyone to your home and you can always set the parameters for what you will and won't go for.

I definitely agree she has a personality disorder. I don’t think it is just cultural. I also think she’s depressed. She doesn’t seem to take a lot of joy in anything and that was definitely not the case before. She was always a fussy combative person, but since 2020 she’s been extra ragey.

I think she sounds depressed too, or traumatized. Did something bad happen to her during the years that you didn't see them?