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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"Oh we have care arranged already."  Or say you have plans already.  Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, [b]"Have you forgotten they are millionaires?[/b]" [/quote]

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks." [/quote]

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.[/quote]

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.[/quote]

NP here, and I largely agree with this except there are things your MIL does that are objectively rude. Saying you just wouldn't understand the DC private school dynamic is rude, even if it's true. My husband attended one of those schools and no one in his family has ever said one word about my public school education and degree from a public university. Even so, I'd let the school thing slide because it's dumb, and honestly, she didn't seem to understand the dynamic either if she didn't make any friends among the parents there.

I think you have to own that your sensitivity around the financial stuff is your sensitivity, but it's also ok to let someone know when they've crossed a boundary. Saying, "what an odd thing to ask/say" usually gets the point across. She's obviously commenting on how she didn't have to work because she's super insecure about it, so just put it in that context.

If the flaky scheduling piece either starts or amps up your irritability, then I'd do as another poster suggested and invite her when it works for you, and not the other way around. I suspect your husband is wishy-washy on this and leaves you with the fallout (just my hunch) so you may need to tell him what you need first.
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