First few months of being a stepparents to teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

I would never go out with anyone who was divorced with children. Way too much drama with ex wives. I disagree that 2nd wife owes his children anything. They have a mother and she is responsible for them. If I am paying for half the house then I get a say in who lives/visits in my house.

Nope. He’s their dad. They’re welcome before you are. Don’t like it? Should have thought of that before you married him.

If the new woman is co-owner, she has rights. If she pays half for utilities, food, mortgage, his kids are not telling her what to do. He can meet them outside the home. If his children are monsters, why should she have to put up with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

I would never go out with anyone who was divorced with children. Way too much drama with ex wives. I disagree that 2nd wife owes his children anything. They have a mother and she is responsible for them. If I am paying for half the house then I get a say in who lives/visits in my house.

Nope. He’s their dad. They’re welcome before you are. Don’t like it? Should have thought of that before you married him.

If the new woman is co-owner, she has rights. If she pays half for utilities, food, mortgage, his kids are not telling her what to do. He can meet them outside the home. If his children are monsters, why should she have to put up with them.

Why on earth would you marry into this situation, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it. Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it. Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.

Where was your father in all this? Was he blind, deaf, and dumb? I so sorry that you were subjectrd to this abuse and it was both physical and emotional abuse. Frankly, your father is worse than the stepmothe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it. Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.

Sorry I don't believe a word of this. It's written like a fairy tale. "Cinderella" anyone?

[Anonymous]

You are not stepmother to teens. You are their father’s wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

You find it perfectly acceptable that a married couple should not ever hold hands, kiss goodnight, put their arms around each other, etc. in front of stepkids. Why, exactly?
You find it acceptable for older kids to "roll their eyes" or sigh or do other negative behaviors during a wedding ceremony? Why, exactly?
It's OK to be "jerks" to the stepmom because she somehow failed at a list of criteria she wasn't even aware of? Why, exactly?

I do agree that badmouthing either parent to the stepkids is absolutely off limits. Plus, it's heartening to see that some adult stepkids do feel a twinge of remorse over what they've done to a stepparent. Just remember, statistically most of us are going to be in a step-position at some point.

I'm the one who wrote the list, and here's why.

PDA: Because teens find adult PDA awkward. All PDA by any adults is awkward, because teens are awkward about anything remotely connected to sex. The OP asked about awkwardness in the first few months, and avoiding PDA will be helpful.

Wedding: Because there's only so many times a person can promise "till death do us part" and have other people take it seriously. I was 22 at my dad's THIRD wedding, so I had enough maturity to control my facial expressions, but I did think it's embarrassing and pathetic to be making that promise to a THIRD woman while the other two are still alive. If you think people are taking it seriously when you say it, think again. There's a reason second weddings are usually smaller and more discreet.

List: The OP asked for suggestions, here they are. And really they are just common sense if you have any clue about teenagers and their development. It's not a secret. I never said it's okay for teens to be jerks, but the OP asked what the kids are thinking, and these are relevant things. Really, if you screw them out of financial aid or make them quit their activities, who's the jerk here?

The bold - kids (nor people in general) are not required to engage in the Potemkin-village building of the adults around them. Sometimes kids keep quiet about their parents’ hypocrisy, because they recognize that not doing so is unsafe. But, we shouldn’t expect silence from kids when adults are actively lying - and that’s what the hypocrisy of a third marriage is.

Our kids have been badly emotionally damaged by the behavior of their dad’s second wife, and their dad’s own behavior. It’s been hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

You find it perfectly acceptable that a married couple should not ever hold hands, kiss goodnight, put their arms around each other, etc. in front of stepkids. Why, exactly?
You find it acceptable for older kids to "roll their eyes" or sigh or do other negative behaviors during a wedding ceremony? Why, exactly?
It's OK to be "jerks" to the stepmom because she somehow failed at a list of criteria she wasn't even aware of? Why, exactly?

I do agree that badmouthing either parent to the stepkids is absolutely off limits. Plus, it's heartening to see that some adult stepkids do feel a twinge of remorse over what they've done to a stepparent. Just remember, statistically most of us are going to be in a step-position at some point.

I'm the one who wrote the list, and here's why.

PDA: Because teens find adult PDA awkward. All PDA by any adults is awkward, because teens are awkward about anything remotely connected to sex. The OP asked about awkwardness in the first few months, and avoiding PDA will be helpful.

Wedding: Because there's only so many times a person can promise "till death do us part" and have other people take it seriously. I was 22 at my dad's THIRD wedding, so I had enough maturity to control my facial expressions, but I did think it's embarrassing and pathetic to be making that promise to a THIRD woman while the other two are still alive. If you think people are taking it seriously when you say it, think again. There's a reason second weddings are usually smaller and more discreet.

List: The OP asked for suggestions, here they are. And really they are just common sense if you have any clue about teenagers and their development. It's not a secret. I never said it's okay for teens to be jerks, but the OP asked what the kids are thinking, and these are relevant things. Really, if you screw them out of financial aid or make them quit their activities, who's the jerk here?

The bold - kids (nor people in general) are not required to engage in the Potemkin-village building of the adults around them. Sometimes kids keep quiet about their parents’ hypocrisy, because they recognize that not doing so is unsafe. But, we shouldn’t expect silence from kids when adults are actively lying - and that’s what the hypocrisy of a third marriage is.

Our kids have been badly emotionally damaged by the behavior of their dad’s second wife, and their dad’s own behavior. It’s been hard to watch.

Isn't a second happy marriage better for children than parents who hate each other and fight and argue constantly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

You find it perfectly acceptable that a married couple should not ever hold hands, kiss goodnight, put their arms around each other, etc. in front of stepkids. Why, exactly?
You find it acceptable for older kids to "roll their eyes" or sigh or do other negative behaviors during a wedding ceremony? Why, exactly?
It's OK to be "jerks" to the stepmom because she somehow failed at a list of criteria she wasn't even aware of? Why, exactly?

I do agree that badmouthing either parent to the stepkids is absolutely off limits. Plus, it's heartening to see that some adult stepkids do feel a twinge of remorse over what they've done to a stepparent. Just remember, statistically most of us are going to be in a step-position at some point.

I'm the one who wrote the list, and here's why.

PDA: Because teens find adult PDA awkward. All PDA by any adults is awkward, because teens are awkward about anything remotely connected to sex. The OP asked about awkwardness in the first few months, and avoiding PDA will be helpful.

Wedding: Because there's only so many times a person can promise "till death do us part" and have other people take it seriously. I was 22 at my dad's THIRD wedding, so I had enough maturity to control my facial expressions, but I did think it's embarrassing and pathetic to be making that promise to a THIRD woman while the other two are still alive. If you think people are taking it seriously when you say it, think again. There's a reason second weddings are usually smaller and more discreet.

List: The OP asked for suggestions, here they are. And really they are just common sense if you have any clue about teenagers and their development. It's not a secret. I never said it's okay for teens to be jerks, but the OP asked what the kids are thinking, and these are relevant things. Really, if you screw them out of financial aid or make them quit their activities, who's the jerk here?

The bold - kids (nor people in general) are not required to engage in the Potemkin-village building of the adults around them. Sometimes kids keep quiet about their parents’ hypocrisy, because they recognize that not doing so is unsafe. But, we shouldn’t expect silence from kids when adults are actively lying - and that’s what the hypocrisy of a third marriage is.

Our kids have been badly emotionally damaged by the behavior of their dad’s second wife, and their dad’s own behavior. It’s been hard to watch.

Isn't a second happy marriage better for children than parents who hate each other and fight and argue constantly?

What makes you think it's a happy marriage? And can a marriage that traumatizes children ever be called happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it. Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.

Where was your father in all this? Was he blind, deaf, and dumb? I so sorry that you were subjectrd to this abuse and it was both physical and emotional abuse. Frankly, your father is worse than the stepmothe.

I think my dad is autistic. Also we have a religious background background that heavily emphasizes marriage, and so my dad has this idea that when you marry, your spouse comes first. On top of all this he’s a bit of a workaholic. But I love my dad so much and I know he tried hard. We were not easy kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it. Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.

Sorry I don't believe a word of this. It's written like a fairy tale. "Cinderella" anyone?

Huh. It never occurred to me that the mundane happenings of my life could sound unbelievable.

But Cinderella would not be an apt comparison. Getting me to clean was like pulling teeth. If somebody were to make a movie out of my teenage they’d have a hard time making me look like a sympathetic character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

You find it perfectly acceptable that a married couple should not ever hold hands, kiss goodnight, put their arms around each other, etc. in front of stepkids. Why, exactly?
You find it acceptable for older kids to "roll their eyes" or sigh or do other negative behaviors during a wedding ceremony? Why, exactly?
It's OK to be "jerks" to the stepmom because she somehow failed at a list of criteria she wasn't even aware of? Why, exactly?

I do agree that badmouthing either parent to the stepkids is absolutely off limits. Plus, it's heartening to see that some adult stepkids do feel a twinge of remorse over what they've done to a stepparent. Just remember, statistically most of us are going to be in a step-position at some point.

I'm the one who wrote the list, and here's why.

PDA: Because teens find adult PDA awkward. All PDA by any adults is awkward, because teens are awkward about anything remotely connected to sex. The OP asked about awkwardness in the first few months, and avoiding PDA will be helpful.

Wedding: Because there's only so many times a person can promise "till death do us part" and have other people take it seriously. I was 22 at my dad's THIRD wedding, so I had enough maturity to control my facial expressions, but I did think it's embarrassing and pathetic to be making that promise to a THIRD woman while the other two are still alive. If you think people are taking it seriously when you say it, think again. There's a reason second weddings are usually smaller and more discreet.

List: The OP asked for suggestions, here they are. And really they are just common sense if you have any clue about teenagers and their development. It's not a secret. I never said it's okay for teens to be jerks, but the OP asked what the kids are thinking, and these are relevant things. Really, if you screw them out of financial aid or make them quit their activities, who's the jerk here?

The bold - kids (nor people in general) are not required to engage in the Potemkin-village building of the adults around them. Sometimes kids keep quiet about their parents’ hypocrisy, because they recognize that not doing so is unsafe. But, we shouldn’t expect silence from kids when adults are actively lying - and that’s what the hypocrisy of a third marriage is.

Our kids have been badly emotionally damaged by the behavior of their dad’s second wife, and their dad’s own behavior. It’s been hard to watch.

Isn't a second happy marriage better for children than parents who hate each other and fight and argue constantly?

A second marriage that is happy for whom? My ex got remarried years after we split up. But new wife does things like insist they go to visit her parents for Xmas and they do not invite the kids. Can you imagine how my kids feel when Dad says he can’t spend Christmas with them? He is basically gone all of winter break. New wife has made clear that his happiness with her depends on his neglect of his own kids.

That may be a happy marriage for him but it is not a happy marriage for my kids to live in.

Neglect is a form of emotional child abuse. Just like the fear created by constant arguing aso has a negative impact on kids. Not sure you can say neglect is preferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it. Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.

Where was your father in all this? Was he blind, deaf, and dumb? I so sorry that you were subjectrd to this abuse and it was both physical and emotional abuse. Frankly, your father is worse than the stepmothe.

I think my dad is autistic. Also we have a religious background background that heavily emphasizes marriage, and so my dad has this idea that when you marry, your spouse comes first. On top of all this he’s a bit of a workaholic. But I love my dad so much and I know he tried hard. We were not easy kids.

I agree with above and don't believe your Cinderella scenario. You should blame your father because he does owe you. His second, third or tenth wife owes you nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

I would never go out with anyone who was divorced with children. Way too much drama with ex wives. I disagree that 2nd wife owes his children anything. They have a mother and she is responsible for them. If I am paying for half the house then I get a say in who lives/visits in my house.

Nope. He’s their dad. They’re welcome before you are. Don’t like it? Should have thought of that before you married him.

If the new woman is co-owner, she has rights. If she pays half for utilities, food, mortgage, his kids are not telling her what to do. He can meet them outside the home. If his children are monsters, why should she have to put up with them.

The court says they spend 50% of their time with him. She’s the one who doesn’t have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

I would never go out with anyone who was divorced with children. Way too much drama with ex wives. I disagree that 2nd wife owes his children anything. They have a mother and she is responsible for them. If I am paying for half the house then I get a say in who lives/visits in my house.

Nope. He’s their dad. They’re welcome before you are. Don’t like it? Should have thought of that before you married him.

If the new woman is co-owner, she has rights. If she pays half for utilities, food, mortgage, his kids are not telling her what to do. He can meet them outside the home. If his children are monsters, why should she have to put up with them.

They have every right to be in their father's house. Don't like it? DON'T MARRY A MAN WITH KIDS. Simple.

Go ahead and tell the judge who validated the custody agreement that his kids aren't welcome in "your" home. You'll be laughed out of court.