First few months of being a stepparents to teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

This list sounds experience-informed (=wise) but also makes me sad for children of divorce.

It is spot on for those of us who are stepchildren. And the ones who call us bitter: congrats to you that you didn't have to live through the hell that we didn't sign up for.

+1. Lots of defensive stepmothers on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Someone has some daddy issues…

Yup. This plus 1-5 indicates the posts aren't by a stepparent but by a stepchild.

A bitter one at that.

Guess we found the remarried divorced parents who think they are perfect but their kids and/or ex are the problem. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

You find it perfectly acceptable that a married couple should not ever hold hands, kiss goodnight, put their arms around each other, etc. in front of stepkids. Why, exactly?
You find it acceptable for older kids to "roll their eyes" or sigh or do other negative behaviors during a wedding ceremony? Why, exactly?
It's OK to be "jerks" to the stepmom because she somehow failed at a list of criteria she wasn't even aware of? Why, exactly?

I do agree that badmouthing either parent to the stepkids is absolutely off limits. Plus, it's heartening to see that some adult stepkids do feel a twinge of remorse over what they've done to a stepparent. Just remember, statistically most of us are going to be in a step-position at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it like once you move in and get absorbed into the daily life of your stepkids? Does it feel strange? Ever feel awkward? What do you think the kids are thinking?

Ha! Don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

I would never go out with anyone who was divorced with children. Way too much drama with ex wives. I disagree that 2nd wife owes his children anything. They have a mother and she is responsible for them. If I am paying for half the house then I get a say in who lives/visits in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

You find it perfectly acceptable that a married couple should not ever hold hands, kiss goodnight, put their arms around each other, etc. in front of stepkids. Why, exactly?
You find it acceptable for older kids to "roll their eyes" or sigh or do other negative behaviors during a wedding ceremony? Why, exactly?
It's OK to be "jerks" to the stepmom because she somehow failed at a list of criteria she wasn't even aware of? Why, exactly?

I do agree that badmouthing either parent to the stepkids is absolutely off limits. Plus, it's heartening to see that some adult stepkids do feel a twinge of remorse over what they've done to a stepparent. Just remember, statistically most of us are going to be in a step-position at some point.

I'm the one who wrote the list, and here's why.

PDA: Because teens find adult PDA awkward. All PDA by any adults is awkward, because teens are awkward about anything remotely connected to sex. The OP asked about awkwardness in the first few months, and avoiding PDA will be helpful.

Wedding: Because there's only so many times a person can promise "till death do us part" and have other people take it seriously. I was 22 at my dad's THIRD wedding, so I had enough maturity to control my facial expressions, but I did think it's embarrassing and pathetic to be making that promise to a THIRD woman while the other two are still alive. If you think people are taking it seriously when you say it, think again. There's a reason second weddings are usually smaller and more discreet.

List: The OP asked for suggestions, here they are. And really they are just common sense if you have any clue about teenagers and their development. It's not a secret. I never said it's okay for teens to be jerks, but the OP asked what the kids are thinking, and these are relevant things. Really, if you screw them out of financial aid or make them quit their activities, who's the jerk here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

It's good that she is an experienced parent. That will probably make it go better. The naive younger new wives who have no clue what's age-appropriate are really setting themselves up for problems, especially if they want more kids and expect anyone else to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

Np. No, you cannot put this on the kids. There was another adult there who should have been mediating - their father. He should have been reassuring to the kids and his wife. Kids see where they rank when a new wife gets to come in and change everything. You are getting one snippet here.

In terms of the op, the fact that you and she get along very well is a good sign so hopefully it will be a smooth transition. There are always bumps but hopefully nothing will be too traumatic and if the lines of communication are open between the two houses, any problems can be solved quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

It’s not “your house.” It’s their house, with their father.

Congratulations on being a perfect example of the unearned “high horse” in PP’s list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am actually the bio mom wondering what it is going to be like for my kids' new stepmom and esp my kids. I really like her btw. She has kids but they are out of the house.

God help her if they are anything like the bitter stepchildren who have posted on this thread. I do not think a stepmother owes anything to stepchildren. Women who marry divorced (or widowers) with children should beware. They should also insist on indepth premarital counseling with children.

I wouldn't put up with their discourteous behavior for one minute. I wouldn't even allow them in my house.

A stepmother may not owe anything to her step children, but her husband, the children’s bioDad, certainly owes them a great deal - financial support, love, attention, presence, time, encouragement, happiness, education, etc. A step mother who gets in the way of that - because she thinks she is or ought to be the number one priority of her husband - really needs to reflect upon the ethics of their behavior. The children came before the stepmom. The children didn’t ask to be placed in the situation of divorce. The children have no way to provide for themselves. Our obligations to our children are not dependent on their good behavior.

When you say, “I wouldn’t even allow them in my house,” presumably you are talking about a house you live in jointly with the bioDad? If so, it is his house too, and the children should be allowed to enter and live in it. There are many ways to create boundaries against discourteous behavior. Get some therapy, please, so you can explore your own discourteous behavior.

I would never go out with anyone who was divorced with children. Way too much drama with ex wives. I disagree that 2nd wife owes his children anything. They have a mother and she is responsible for them. If I am paying for half the house then I get a say in who lives/visits in my house.

Nope. He’s their dad. They’re welcome before you are. Don’t like it? Should have thought of that before you married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior. If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out. Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him. And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier.

Why didn't you talk to her and help her? I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.

“Help her?” Uh,no. That responsibility is for the adult, not the child.