Reply to First few months of being a stepparents to teens

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]6) Making them quit any of their activities, even if it's due to "fairness" for the sake of your children
7) Doing PDA with their dad around them and their friends.
8) Expecting them not to roll their eyes at the "till death do us part" words in the wedding, if there was a divorce
9) Getting on your high horse about setting an example of a happy marriage, when it means they get less of something. You don't know that your marriage is or will be happy, and they won't care.
10) Having age-inapproprate expectatons for their maturity and behavior.  If you don't know much about teens, read up.
11) Blaming their mom for how they turned out.  Guess what-- your DH is equally their parent, and if he failed to raise them with manners and morals that's on him.  And ask yourself why you're raising children with a man who isn't a good parent.[/quote]

Oh these are sooo good!! My stepmom did almost all of these (and the ones in OP’s prior list) and then wondered why we were jerks to her.

I do feel really bad about how we treated her and I know she didn’t try to be a wicked stepmother. But if she had had this list handy it would have made everyone’s lives much easier. [/quote]

Why didn't you talk to her and help her?  I guess it was more fun to be a jerk.[/quote]

They got married when I was eight. What would an 8-18 year old say to a stepmom to talk to her and help her? Should I have said she should have age-appropriate expectations for our behavior? I was too young to even understand the concept of age-appropriate behavior. All I knew was that I was often being treated unfairly and there was nothing I could do about it.  Shouldn't my dad have been the one to make sure I was raised well, and not me?

When I was about 16 I started realizing that if I wanted a pleasant home life, I had to keep my mouth shut about all the unfairness. I didn't complain when I got no new school clothes and got made fun of for wearing the same shirt twice, while my half sister had overflowing dressers. I distinctly remember seeing that she had separate drawers for capris, knee-length shorts, shorter shorts, and jeans. I was shocked at the disparity. But I didn't say anything, I just went in my room and cried (thank you teenage hormones!). And I didn't complain when my stepmom insisted my dad not pay for college like he planned on my whole life, even though he had all already saved up the money for it made and made mid-six figures so paying for college wouldn't have been a financial hardship, because my stepmom wanted to do home renovations and build a pool. I never said anything about it. These instance are just two instances in decades of my stepmom treating me unfairly.

After I had that epiphany at age 16 I never again complained about my childhood, even though my stepmom and half sister continued to do weird things like try to hide the fact that my half sister got 30K a year for a private college (and my stepmom didn't work after my half sister was born, so that money all came from my dad). Now my half sister is really cool and we are good friends, and I am always nice to my stepmom. She has had some big health challenges and I go visit her to take care of her. I'm happy to help her and really grateful I now have a good relationship with my half sister. I wish my stepmom would acknowledge that she could have done better as a stepparent and I wish my dad would acknowledge that he should have intervened and made sure things were more fair, but I don't need that.

I think she and many stepmoms should make better choices when it comes to their step-children, but that opinion doesn't make me bitter. I mean, I myself have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I'm a self-loathing individual. People makes mistakes, and my stepmom was one of them.[/quote]

Where was your father in all this?  Was he blind, deaf, and dumb?  I so sorry that you were subjectrd to this abuse and it was both physical and emotional abuse. Frankly, your father is worse than the stepmothe. [/quote]

I think my dad is autistic. Also we have a religious background background that heavily emphasizes marriage, and so my dad has this idea that when you marry, your spouse comes first. On top of all this he’s a bit of a workaholic. But I love my dad so much and I know he tried hard. We were not easy kids. [/quote]

I agree with above and don't believe your Cinderella scenario.  You should blame your father because he does owe you.  His second, third or tenth wife owes you nothing.[/quote]

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