Big school and nobody to hang out with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

We may have grown up in the same generation, but I also learned that "if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all."

Come on, a lot of these "mom lead" playdates were extinct by middle school. There are some kids who are quiet (read the book) and may need suggestions on how to handle these kinds of new situations, which one may find both overwhelming and exhausting (at risk, then, to be reinforcing). Hey, my extrovert daughter is struggling in the early weeks of college. It can be hard.

A shout out to the aunt for caring about her niece and trying to be of help.

+1000

Also, note that many of the current college freshman spend 1.5 years of HS at home doing it virtually. Even for their senior years, many (my own kid included) it was NOT normal. They did not have the same interactions/meeting new people that would have happened pre-covid. So they did not really "meet" new people/develop new friendships past Feb of their sophomore year of HS. While they will ultimately be just fine in life, it can be daunting for an introvert/anxious/quite person to have to put themselves out there in a totally new situation after 2.5 years of the old environment.

And yes, many extroverts struggle with being at college as well because starting everything new is challenging for everyone. But if they are stuggling, imagine what it's like for someone who does not enjoy being in large groups/does not derive energy from large groups. Their are mentally drained by lunchtime from the constant meeting of new people/group activities/etc. So even if they put themselves out there, they may need a lot of time to "recharge" their energy levels. For my kid, the recharging at home occurred by being with the close group of 3-4 friends (they were all besties, no girl drama thru MS/HS, just fully supporting each other and being there). So in a new environment, she did not have that close group so it's hard. My kid had a full week of orientation---while great in concept, my kid probably would prefer only 3-4 days and then onto classes. But I get where the smaller school is going with a full week to acclimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our friend’s DC started off like this. Then she joined a club sport. They barely saw her for the rest of the year, except when she needed a ride to games. Your niece need to make the rounds of clubs and she will find her people. Does she have any interests?

Yes. Clubs clubs clubs. On a big campus, there must be so many clubs. Hobbies, music grouos, theatre, sports, politics, faith, service. What about getting involved with a service organization? Many campuses have a Habitat for Humanity group or something like it. Nothing like working together to get to know people.

Mine is at a medium school and slow to connect too. She has made a couple friends through orientation activities and is meeting more people through theatre and faith group. I keep reminding her to make an effort to connect. It takes a lot for these quiet ones. All the best to yours.

+1

OP, the way to find some real friends, or at least good acquaintances you can start to feel confident with, is through shared interests and activities. Roommates and classmates might or might not have something in common with you, but students who have chosen a particular activity or group to join are already showing they have that interest/activity in common with you when YOU join it. Friendships based on common interests beat ones based solely on proximity of being in the same dorm. Urge her to find something to join and then to commit to going and to keeping on with it long enough to feel she's really engaged with it. She should join based on her real interests, not on joining just for the sake of finding friends. Interest first, the rest can follow.

Also, OP, there's been too much emphasis on eating together in this thread earlier. Roommates don't necessarily go eat dinner together all the time, maybe not at all -- Roommates can have totally different class schedules etc. that mean they don't see each other except at night. And some students rarely go near a dining hall, or only grab takeout from colleges' small takeout spots (my DD's small campus has several little places that are solely grab-and-go food, as well as the big dining hall). I would not over-talk with her the idea that she should be focusing on mealtimes as social times, or it could create more stress for her around meals.

One thing you said in an earlier post concerns me. You said that kids from her high school are at her university and it's creating issues. What issues? Is she actually in some of her classes with kids who were at her HS, and that makes her...nervous, or upset? Are these huge lecture classes, so maybe she's overthinking it and doesn't realize they likely barely know she's there? Is she saying they're trying to interact with her otherwise? I'm a bit confused about these other kids. And I honestly wonder if those kids really are the issue, or if your niece is perhaps focusing too much on the fact they're present on campus, when they might have nothing to do with her at all.

But the best remedy is for her to join a couple of things so she has weekend activities every weekend to look forward to, and is engaging in something that is meaningful to her. Please update us! I feel for her. You're a good aunt to care and to want to help.

These are some good follow up questions. I am the PP with the kid on the medium campus. She has a hs friend there and felt like he was dissing her because he wasn't very responsive to texts she sent, but then she realized he was trying so hard to meet new people and forgot he wasn't responding to her. She realized she wasn't getting the cold shoulder when he came to her all stressed about trying to keep up with so many people. He clearly felt she was a close enough to let it all hang out with his stress. So, if (back to the niece) it seems like hs friends are disengaged or choosing new people, it could be that they are feeling obligated to meet new people and counting her as all good. I have no idea if this relates to her situation, but it might be helpful to someone. My kid is glad she just came out and said something to her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

Bull. I went to a huge state university, and made friends immediately. But this is back in the 80s, before today's helicopter mommies.

I was in a sorority, a fraternity little sister, honor societies and the school newspaper.

And I'm sort of a plain Jane, but I found it easy to connect with people at college.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but .....Hooray for you, I guess. OK, you had a great time in college. Applause. Now, got anything to add that's positive, constructive advice for the OP's niece, or are you just here to humblebrag about your wonderful facility for friendships? And (in the bold) to drop a little bashing on others' parenting, which is irrelevant to OP's niece and OP's question?

Thank you!! It is NOT helicoptering to want to ensure our kids make friends and mental health doesn't deteriorate. The first 2-3 weeks of college are key. Once others start making friends/form groups it can be extremely difficult for a shy/introverted/anxious person to break into a group, leaving them more isolated. And then things can spiral downward. I just left my introverted kid on a small campus and the first week was extremely challenging. Anxiety really peaks for shy/introverted kids (as well as most kids). They need our encouragement to get out there and make friends. Many of them were doing school from home for a full 1.5-years. Things were not normal their senior year either. So they have not interacted as much in the last 2.5 years with "strangers"/new people as a 15-18 yo typically would. Even without that, some kids are introverted/anxious and it's challenging to go to a new place, meet new people and be on your own. No matter how excited you are, it can be challenging. So yeah, I'm gonna stay on top of it and make sure my kid is reminded to put themselves out there, that friends from home call to encourage them (but that the calls are not constant and dont distract from being social), because their mental health matters. I will help them develop/find the tools they need to succeed---not do it for them, just talk them thru it and provide support. Without it everything will spiral downward, sometimes quite quickly and it can be difficult to recover from.

3 weeks in my own kid is making friends (at their own pace---they have always valued quality over quantity), socializing, and seems much happier than drop-off. One parent just visited this weekend (3K miles away---quick check in for the parent who didn't attend drop off). People in the dorm know them and they introduced parent to people they saw (that rarely happens, so a huge difference/maturing). They are doing well and seem to have adjusted and are enjoying classes.

But being there for our kids is NOT helicoptering. Supporting our kids is what parents do. We don't just drop them off and say see you in November, call if you need anything. We check in on them, still want to hear about their day/week and what new things they have gotten involved in. We let them lead the way.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

We may have grown up in the same generation, but I also learned that "if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all."

Come on, a lot of these "mom lead" playdates were extinct by middle school. There are some kids who are quiet (read the book) and may need suggestions on how to handle these kinds of new situations, which one may find both overwhelming and exhausting (at risk, then, to be reinforcing). Hey, my extrovert daughter is struggling in the early weeks of college. It can be hard.

A shout out to the aunt for caring about her niece and trying to be of help.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just needs to push herself. It's not on a college to help an 18 yr old make friends. At a certain point (like when they leave home to go away to college) they have to make their own friends.

She can also just walk up to a kid at a dining hall sitting alone and say "Hey, can I sit here?" and then ask which dorm they're in, what their fave class is, share hers, etc. She really needs to push herself. It's not on other people to make friends for her.

+1. I have a college freshman so I am following parent FB pages, etc and I am surprised at how much of an expectation this is of many parents. "Why isn't the school doing more" to support and help my kid?

Your "kid" is 18. Your kid is an adult who, finally, is in completely in charge of his/ her own friendships and social life. I agree with the poster who said that this is a generation that grew up with mommy making playdates. I was probably as guilty as anyone on that, BTW. And of course two years of pandemic lockdown did not help to advance these in person social skills.

OP, it's sink or swim time.

[Anonymous]

OP back here again.

At her HS she experienced some ostracization and felt pretty disconnected from the kids who had big friend groups and I think that's carrying over in a couple of ways. She tried out for various teams and activities but didn't make the cut back in HS, so I think that really impacted how she sees herself "fitting in" with anyone she perceives to be the cool kids.

She ran into a few girls from her HS she didn't know from before, and they told her about a party that weekend. But then they never texted her back with the location of the party, so that sort of set her back since she'd been really looking forward to it. I told her that she might be reading more into it, and that they probably just got busy and forgot, as opposed to snubbing her intentionally.

She's very pretty (objectively - not just saying this because I'm her aunt) and initially the popular kids at her HS would include her in their group. But she's also quite a rule follower and wouldn't drink or do anything she considered to be too wild, so she sort of ended up drifting away from those kids. I doubt they were actually wild. It's probably just that she was an extra "good" kid as far as drinking and smoking go. My sense is that these kids would just ignore her if they saw her on the college campus because they've decided she's boring or a dud. They definitely aren't embracing a fellow kid from back home and trying to now include her in their group. It's a very competitive high school in a wealthy area where kids are super status conscious. I'm guessing that they do recognize her and aren't interested in letting her into their group now, and she probably doesn't want to hang with them anyhow. I think that seeing them all pal around together just makes her wish for what she doesn't have, like salt in the wound. It's not that she's imagining that other people have a friend group already. Rather, she knows they do because she knows that they've been friends for years. I had really wanted for her to choose a school where she wouldn't know many kids from HS so that she could get a fresh start and put these irritating kids behind her, but here we are.

"One thing you said in an earlier post concerns me. You said that kids from her high school are at her university and it's creating issues. What issues? Is she actually in some of her classes with kids who were at her HS, and that makes her...nervous, or upset? Are these huge lecture classes, so maybe she's overthinking it and doesn't realize they likely barely know she's there? Is she saying they're trying to interact with her otherwise? I'm a bit confused about these other kids. And I honestly wonder if those kids really are the issue, or if your niece is perhaps focusing too much on the fact they're present on campus, when they might have nothing to do with her at all."

[Anonymous]

In addition to club sports, other useful clubs might be outdoors - where they spend hours on a hike somewhere - or some sort of dance or exercise group that meets weekly. Join tons of clubs and attend meetings and see what "sticks". Really, the only way to connect at a large school is to put yourself out there, participate in a lot of things, explore new things, and eventually you will find "your people". But you have to work at it and be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

Bull. I went to a huge state university, and made friends immediately. But this is back in the 80s, before today's helicopter mommies.

I was in a sorority, a fraternity little sister, honor societies and the school newspaper.

And I'm sort of a plain Jane, but I found it easy to connect with people at college.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but .....Hooray for you, I guess. OK, you had a great time in college. Applause. Now, got anything to add that's positive, constructive advice for the OP's niece, or are you just here to humblebrag about your wonderful facility for friendships? And (in the bold) to drop a little bashing on others' parenting, which is irrelevant to OP's niece and OP's question?

Thank you!! It is NOT helicoptering to want to ensure our kids make friends and mental health doesn't deteriorate. The first 2-3 weeks of college are key. Once others start making friends/form groups it can be extremely difficult for a shy/introverted/anxious person to break into a group, leaving them more isolated. And then things can spiral downward. I just left my introverted kid on a small campus and the first week was extremely challenging. Anxiety really peaks for shy/introverted kids (as well as most kids). They need our encouragement to get out there and make friends. Many of them were doing school from home for a full 1.5-years. Things were not normal their senior year either. So they have not interacted as much in the last 2.5 years with "strangers"/new people as a 15-18 yo typically would. Even without that, some kids are introverted/anxious and it's challenging to go to a new place, meet new people and be on your own. No matter how excited you are, it can be challenging. So yeah, I'm gonna stay on top of it and make sure my kid is reminded to put themselves out there, that friends from home call to encourage them (but that the calls are not constant and dont distract from being social), because their mental health matters. I will help them develop/find the tools they need to succeed---not do it for them, just talk them thru it and provide support. Without it everything will spiral downward, sometimes quite quickly and it can be difficult to recover from.

3 weeks in my own kid is making friends (at their own pace---they have always valued quality over quantity), socializing, and seems much happier than drop-off. One parent just visited this weekend (3K miles away---quick check in for the parent who didn't attend drop off). People in the dorm know them and they introduced parent to people they saw (that rarely happens, so a huge difference/maturing). They are doing well and seem to have adjusted and are enjoying classes.

But being there for our kids is NOT helicoptering. Supporting our kids is what parents do. We don't just drop them off and say see you in November, call if you need anything. We check in on them, still want to hear about their day/week and what new things they have gotten involved in. We let them lead the way.

Amen.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - where did you go to school because it sounds awesome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back here again.

At her HS she experienced some ostracization and felt pretty disconnected from the kids who had big friend groups and I think that's carrying over in a couple of ways. She tried out for various teams and activities but didn't make the cut back in HS, so I think that really impacted how she sees herself "fitting in" with anyone she perceives to be the cool kids.

She ran into a few girls from her HS she didn't know from before, and they told her about a party that weekend. But then they never texted her back with the location of the party, so that sort of set her back since she'd been really looking forward to it. I told her that she might be reading more into it, and that they probably just got busy and forgot, as opposed to snubbing her intentionally.

She's very pretty (objectively - not just saying this because I'm her aunt) and initially the popular kids at her HS would include her in their group. But she's also quite a rule follower and wouldn't drink or do anything she considered to be too wild, so she sort of ended up drifting away from those kids. I doubt they were actually wild. It's probably just that she was an extra "good" kid as far as drinking and smoking go. My sense is that these kids would just ignore her if they saw her on the college campus because they've decided she's boring or a dud. They definitely aren't embracing a fellow kid from back home and trying to now include her in their group. It's a very competitive high school in a wealthy area where kids are super status conscious. I'm guessing that they do recognize her and aren't interested in letting her into their group now, and she probably doesn't want to hang with them anyhow. I think that seeing them all pal around together just makes her wish for what she doesn't have, like salt in the wound. It's not that she's imagining that other people have a friend group already. Rather, she knows they do because she knows that they've been friends for years. I had really wanted for her to choose a school where she wouldn't know many kids from HS so that she could get a fresh start and put these irritating kids behind her, but here we are.

"One thing you said in an earlier post concerns me. You said that kids from her high school are at her university and it's creating issues. What issues? Is she actually in some of her classes with kids who were at her HS, and that makes her...nervous, or upset? Are these huge lecture classes, so maybe she's overthinking it and doesn't realize they likely barely know she's there? Is she saying they're trying to interact with her otherwise? I'm a bit confused about these other kids. And I honestly wonder if those kids really are the issue, or if your niece is perhaps focusing too much on the fact they're present on campus, when they might have nothing to do with her at all."

1. Your niece sounds awesome. I wish she were at my daughter's school because she would totally hang with her.
2. I think you're right about moving on from the hs friend group whether or not the snub was deliberate. They don't seem to be her people or doing things she thinks are fun. (Newsflash for them, they are the duds if the need substances to connect or be fun).
3. I hope she keeps putting herself out there with clubs and activities and is able to move on from hs insecurities. This is a whole new scene!

All the best to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anytime she sits down next to someone in class, she needs to smile and say hi. If person seems friendly, introduce herself. I understand it’s going to be hard for a shy person to do all these things but she is going to have to.

She’s in a huge school. Get over high school and forger it. I chose my college for this same reason, didn’t want to go to school with anyone from my HS. But honestly, no one cares. Just move on. This is the chance to completely redefine herself and 10/30k people knowing her doesn’t change that.

Agreed!

She could also try some activities that not every kid wants to do ... yearbook, newspaper, service groups.

This generation's social skills are RUSTY! And social media has lulled them into thinking they have friends. I feel for her and I hope it gets better.

This is probably where the mobile phones have hurt kids tremendously. They no longer develop their person to person social skills while in middle and high schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece is about 3 weeks into her freshman year at a large (30K students?) public school. She's in the dorms. She hasn't made any friends to hang out with and is now saying she's homesick. I've Facetimed with her a few times during meals and she seems to just be eating alone. I don't know how to advise her. I didn't go to a giant school like that. Our dorm/house at my college was the center of social life for us freshman year. I can't imagine how hard it would be to meet friends in such an anonymous setting. Her classes have hundred of classmates, so it's not like that is a natural place for someone who isn't very outgoing to meet people.

What advice can I offer her? She has tried going to the gym but says the lines to use machines are really long. I suggested that she chit chat with the other students while she's waiting but she said that's more what people do to pick up on you.

Our family had wanted her to attend the SLAC she got into with amazing merit, out of concern for how challenging a large school seemed for her social life given that she's pretty quiet and introverted. Do some large schools offer more of an on-ramp for freshman socially? She arrived on campus on a Friday and started classes Monday. So there was no real orientation period for making connections before the demands of classes began.

Why is an aunt posting this? Shouldn’t her parents, if anyone, be helping? Do you have your own kids?

Why scrutinize? If you have no constructive recommendations, just move on.

It’s not scrutinizing. It sounds like a WAY over-involved aunt who’s too old to be communicating back and forth with a 17 or 18 yo niece. It’s strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

It’s 2022 grandma. Campus social life moves at light speed. Everyone has a cell phone, social media. If you don’t have friends by week 3 or 4 it’s brutal and you’re in a hole. And no sage wisdom from some boomer auntie is going to help. If auntie really wants to help fix this: Tell the niece you’ll pay for her sorority dues for 4 years. It’s a no-brainer. Push her to rush nice mid-tier sororities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college.

You can have the exact same problem at a small private school.

An example just today - "she says she can't find her people".

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1081654.page

No. That is a spoiled girl who misses having sex with her boyfriend (and is worried he’s cheating and/or will break up with her) and is manipulating her parents into letting her leave so she can be in proximity to him. Not uncommon. Nothing to do with the college. And the girl is lying and/or exaggerations all the complaints to get what she really wants: Green light to transfer to be with boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

It’s 2022 grandma. Campus social life moves at light speed. Everyone has a cell phone, social media. If you don’t have friends by week 3 or 4 it’s brutal and you’re in a hole. And no sage wisdom from some boomer auntie is going to help. If auntie really wants to help fix this: Tell the niece you’ll pay for her sorority dues for 4 years. It’s a no-brainer. Push her to rush nice mid-tier sororities.

+1