Big school and nobody to hang out with

[Anonymous]

My niece is about 3 weeks into her freshman year at a large (30K students?) public school. She's in the dorms. She hasn't made any friends to hang out with and is now saying she's homesick. I've Facetimed with her a few times during meals and she seems to just be eating alone. I don't know how to advise her. I didn't go to a giant school like that. Our dorm/house at my college was the center of social life for us freshman year. I can't imagine how hard it would be to meet friends in such an anonymous setting. Her classes have hundred of classmates, so it's not like that is a natural place for someone who isn't very outgoing to meet people.

What advice can I offer her? She has tried going to the gym but says the lines to use machines are really long. I suggested that she chit chat with the other students while she's waiting but she said that's more what people do to pick up on you.

Our family had wanted her to attend the SLAC she got into with amazing merit, out of concern for how challenging a large school seemed for her social life given that she's pretty quiet and introverted. Do some large schools offer more of an on-ramp for freshman socially? She arrived on campus on a Friday and started classes Monday. So there was no real orientation period for making connections before the demands of classes began.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't she going to meals with her roommate or someone on her hall? Or turn to someone in a class that ends late morning and say "I'm going to lunch - wanna come?"

It sounds like she's being super passive, and she needs to get assertive.

[Anonymous]

Someone posted this on another thread and I thought it was great.

I also shared it with my freshman --- who thought it was good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAUcoadqRlE

[Anonymous]

(1) You go to meals with your roommate. Or you knock on doors and say, "I'm headed to the dining hall, anyone want to join me?"
(2) You get to the dining hall and see people sitting at a table who look like they just got there and say, "mind if I sit here?" and they say, "Sure," and you sit down.
(3) You join one of the 18 bazillion clubs, rec sports teams, or student organizations that exist on big campuses.

[Anonymous]

OP again. She probably is being somewhat passive. She isn't the type to invite others to do things together because she's quiet and doesn't easily trust people. As I mentioned in the OP, this is what we feared would happen at a school like that. But the choice has been made and now she's there without the social support scaffolding that she needs. I've seen the parent Facebook page for the school and there are tons of other kids without anyone to hang out with, so it does seem like the school isn't structuring things in ways that make it easier for shy kids to find their footing. The other issue is that it's a state school, so a bunch of kids from her high school are there. She wasn't popular in HS and only had two friends she hung out with, so now the same cycle is being repeated in college with some of those same kids from her hometown. I feel so bad for her but don't know how to help. We suggested joining various clubs but the reality is that most of those meet just once a month. How do kids make friends if they aren't hanging out with people from the dorm for activities? I find it bizarre that the dorm or the house within a dorm isn't going to the football games together on the weekends. That's how we did it at my college. We also had intramurals based on houses. The people you lived with were the same ones you eat with. At her school, they eat at these big food halls that are not connected to your dorm. It's kind of like eating at a mall food courtyard. Now I wish she'd lived in one of those Living and Learning Communities.

[Anonymous]

Our friend’s DC started off like this. Then she joined a club sport. They barely saw her for the rest of the year, except when she needed a ride to games. Your niece need to make the rounds of clubs and she will find her people. Does she have any interests?

[Anonymous]

Many clubs do seem to meet infrequently. She needs to find the ones that do meet regularly. Intramural sports are a good place to start since they need to meet up to practice. Or a music or theater group. Or get an on-campus job. If she's open to a religious organization those often have multiple things per week. I was pretty shy and at a big college. I don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't joined a college choir -- it was a class with meetings 3x a week so that became my social group.

For the eating alone, it can be really hard, but the only way is to look for others who are alone and ask to join them or invite someone from class or dorm to go with you.

[Anonymous]

Form study groups with kids taking the same class

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the suggestions! Unfortunately, her school has all the dining in what seem to be two central locations. So it's not like in the "old days" when you had a cafeteria in your dorm and would see hallmates there over breakfast every morning. The school basically has a bunch of fast food options in two food courtyards. So to eat together, you have to walk across campus and then happen to choose the same food. One person might want Chic-Fil-A and the other is getting something from Bojangles in the other building's food courtyard. I'd definitely warn kids away from schools that have this set up, along with schools that have suites instead of doors on a hallway. This really doesn't support the building of a sense of community for people who aren't social butterflies.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

[Anonymous]

Time to join a sorority, I guess.

[Anonymous]

For real?

[Anonymous]

That's a lot of writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to join a sorority, I guess.

+1. This is what I did. I didn’t make any friends in the dorms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the suggestions! Unfortunately, her school has all the dining in what seem to be two central locations. So it's not like in the "old days" when you had a cafeteria in your dorm and would see hallmates there over breakfast every morning. The school basically has a bunch of fast food options in two food courtyards. So to eat together, you have to walk across campus and then happen to choose the same food. One person might want Chic-Fil-A and the other is getting something from Bojangles in the other building's food courtyard. I'd definitely warn kids away from schools that have this set up, along with schools that have suites instead of doors on a hallway. This really doesn't support the building of a sense of community for people who aren't social butterflies.

This is really not an insuperable obstacle. "Hey, I'm going to Food Courtyard A. Anyone want to come?" A lot of dorms have common areas, like lounges, reading areas, game rooms or TV rooms, etc. Hang out there instead of in your room. Ask your roommate(s) to join you. Start watching out for people in your classes, which is a pretty easy introduction? "Hey, aren't you in Sociology 101 with Professor Jones? Mind if I join you?" Also invite people to join you at campus events that sound interesting. Go to stuff -- movie nights, exhibits at the art museum, musical performances, etc., especially if they have receptions or discussions involved. Sign up for a rec team. Volunteer with a campus service organization. There are a million ways to meet people, but you do have to make some effort and not just wait for people to invite you.

I never had a cafeteria in my dorm. There were two big dining halls that the whole campus used, so it was pretty much exactly like your daughter's set up.