Big school and nobody to hang out with

[Anonymous]

"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't she have a roommate? Does the dorm have any meetups/social functions? I was pretty introverted and shy when I started college and I had no problem meeting new people at my huge state school. My roommate and I would grab meals together and hang out together in the first few days, but before long we met a few other girls on our floor and hung out with them as well. Our dorm also had a few floor meetings with the RA a few days after move-in where I met several other people.

Does she know anyone from her high school who goes to the same school (or even a friend of a friend) that she could reach out to? That might be an option as well.

But she's going to have to put herself out there a little. I found it to be pretty easy to meet people at a huge school because there's such a variety of students that there's someone for everyone, so to speak. I think she'd have the same issue even if she went to a smaller school (and it might actually be worse).

[Anonymous]

I mean, sure, the school could be doing more. But these are also adults.

She just needs to get out of her shell and be assertive. College isn’t like middle school. People won’t really say no if you ask to sit down at lunch. I find it unlikely that her dorm doesn’t have any social events.

If she goes to a meeting, stick around after and talk to someone and ask if they want to grab coffee or even just exchange numbers or social media ids.

Joining a service group might be good. They will be doing activities when they meet and so it’s less awkward.

But mostly, your niece needs to decide how much of this she will own or not. First few weeks of college, people are tryi by to meet others. She could easily meet people. They may not end up her best friends but she will meet other people through them.

She needs to start saying hi to people in her dorm. See people as you walk in or out? Say hi! Someone will be in one of those huge classes. Then, it’s “ugh, can’t believe this problem set” and so on. If she’s going to be head down, expect other people to do the work, it’s going to be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, sure, the school could be doing more. But these are also adults.

She just needs to get out of her shell and be assertive. College isn’t like middle school. People won’t really say no if you ask to sit down at lunch. I find it unlikely that her dorm doesn’t have any social events.

If she goes to a meeting, stick around after and talk to someone and ask if they want to grab coffee or even just exchange numbers or social media ids.

Joining a service group might be good. They will be doing activities when they meet and so it’s less awkward.

But mostly, your niece needs to decide how much of this she will own or not. First few weeks of college, people are tryi by to meet others. She could easily meet people. They may not end up her best friends but she will meet other people through them.

She needs to start saying hi to people in her dorm. See people as you walk in or out? Say hi! Someone will be in one of those huge classes. Then, it’s “ugh, can’t believe this problem set” and so on. If she’s going to be head down, expect other people to do the work, it’s going to be hard.

All of this. All these people are also looking to make friends, but you can't just sit back and wait for people to approach you. And if you ask to sit with someone, the worst they will say is, "Sure, but I'm actually just about to leave," or, "Sorry, I'm trying to study for a quiz." No one is going to say you can't sit with them. I guarantee there are dozens of campus/student organizations that run the gamut of interests and activities. Start scanning bulletin boards and whatever student life web page the school has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece is about 3 weeks into her freshman year at a large (30K students?) public school. She's in the dorms. She hasn't made any friends to hang out with and is now saying she's homesick. I've Facetimed with her a few times during meals and she seems to just be eating alone. I don't know how to advise her. I didn't go to a giant school like that. Our dorm/house at my college was the center of social life for us freshman year. I can't imagine how hard it would be to meet friends in such an anonymous setting. Her classes have hundred of classmates, so it's not like that is a natural place for someone who isn't very outgoing to meet people.

What advice can I offer her? She has tried going to the gym but says the lines to use machines are really long. I suggested that she chit chat with the other students while she's waiting but she said that's more what people do to pick up on you.

Our family had wanted her to attend the SLAC she got into with amazing merit, out of concern for how challenging a large school seemed for her social life given that she's pretty quiet and introverted. Do some large schools offer more of an on-ramp for freshman socially? She arrived on campus on a Friday and started classes Monday. So there was no real orientation period for making connections before the demands of classes began.

Why is an aunt posting this? Shouldn’t her parents, if anyone, be helping? Do you have your own kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our friend’s DC started off like this. Then she joined a club sport. They barely saw her for the rest of the year, except when she needed a ride to games. Your niece need to make the rounds of clubs and she will find her people. Does she have any interests?

Yes. Clubs clubs clubs. On a big campus, there must be so many clubs. Hobbies, music grouos, theatre, sports, politics, faith, service. What about getting involved with a service organization? Many campuses have a Habitat for Humanity group or something like it. Nothing like working together to get to know people.

Mine is at a medium school and slow to connect too. She has made a couple friends through orientation activities and is meeting more people through theatre and faith group. I keep reminding her to make an effort to connect. It takes a lot for these quiet ones. All the best to yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece is about 3 weeks into her freshman year at a large (30K students?) public school. She's in the dorms. She hasn't made any friends to hang out with and is now saying she's homesick. I've Facetimed with her a few times during meals and she seems to just be eating alone. I don't know how to advise her. I didn't go to a giant school like that. Our dorm/house at my college was the center of social life for us freshman year. I can't imagine how hard it would be to meet friends in such an anonymous setting. Her classes have hundred of classmates, so it's not like that is a natural place for someone who isn't very outgoing to meet people.

What advice can I offer her? She has tried going to the gym but says the lines to use machines are really long. I suggested that she chit chat with the other students while she's waiting but she said that's more what people do to pick up on you.

Our family had wanted her to attend the SLAC she got into with amazing merit, out of concern for how challenging a large school seemed for her social life given that she's pretty quiet and introverted. Do some large schools offer more of an on-ramp for freshman socially? She arrived on campus on a Friday and started classes Monday. So there was no real orientation period for making connections before the demands of classes began.

Why is an aunt posting this? Shouldn’t her parents, if anyone, be helping? Do you have your own kids?

Why scrutinize? If you have no constructive recommendations, just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.


This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing

OMG stop. You are so ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

[Anonymous]

Anytime she sits down next to someone in class, she needs to smile and say hi. If person seems friendly, introduce herself. I understand it’s going to be hard for a shy person to do all these things but she is going to have to.

She’s in a huge school. Get over high school and forger it. I chose my college for this same reason, didn’t want to go to school with anyone from my HS. But honestly, no one cares. Just move on. This is the chance to completely redefine herself and 10/30k people knowing her doesn’t change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.


This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing

OMG stop. You are so ridiculous.

+1000 I went to a huge state school. I am as shy and introverted as they get and I LOVED it. Easy to meet people who are like minded and also easy to blend in with the thousands of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anytime she sits down next to someone in class, she needs to smile and say hi. If person seems friendly, introduce herself. I understand it’s going to be hard for a shy person to do all these things but she is going to have to.

She’s in a huge school. Get over high school and forger it. I chose my college for this same reason, didn’t want to go to school with anyone from my HS. But honestly, no one cares. Just move on. This is the chance to completely redefine herself and 10/30k people knowing her doesn’t change that.

Agreed!

She could also try some activities that not every kid wants to do ... yearbook, newspaper, service groups.

This generation's social skills are RUSTY! And social media has lulled them into thinking they have friends. I feel for her and I hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

Ok, sure. But if she makes no effort, it won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

Holy mole! So right!

I can't believe how helpless all these "smart' kids are.