Women who divorce after 40 -- did anyone successfully find new partners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

His lawyer will have a field day if you do this. Do you think it won't be incredibly obvious that you voluntarily did this on purpose?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/imputing-income-child-support-virginia.html

In Virginia, the ability of a parent to pay child support is based not just on a parent's earnings, but a parent's ability to earn. In other words, the court can base child support on what a parent could earn, not simply what a parent actually earns. For example, if a parent voluntarily takes a job that provides less income than before, the court has the power to base child support on that parent's previous income. Also, if a parent is voluntarily unemployed or refuses to provide income information, the court can make its own decision on what income that parent could earn and use that amount for child support calculations; this is called "imputing income."

if the husband is voluntarily unemployed but has prior employment history and an education, the court can impute him some income as well so her CS to him will be reduced.

OP think as a man as you go into it. Don't allow a mentally taxing freeloader take your life savings and health. You can only "upgrade" from where you're now in terms of a life partner. Just don't make it a permanent situation and wait till "grey divorce"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I admit I am scared of leaving because I do not want to be alone raising 3 kids. I am waaaay past my prime. I do not feel loved or desired by my husband either. He makes it clear he would be open to an open marriage. I am the breadwinner so really have a lot to lose in a divorce. I worry I wont really gain anything in a divorce. I would lose even more-- he takes half of my retirement, get the kids 50% of the time, i now have to pay for two households and support husband if he fathers new children (just so my children's lifestyle will be the same)

It really is the great unfairness... and it eats me up. There are days when I feel so little self respect for myself. That I have given up and settled because of my fears. Anyone else successful in talking themselves out of a divorce?

Thank you

Please seek therapy. There is a whole different way to look at your situation. A woman who is totally financially dependent has a lot to lose in the divorce. The breadwinner is more empowered. You need to think hard about the value of money vs the value of your happiness and self esteem. And what longterm impact will it have on your children to live in a house with such a sad woman, in an unloving marriage?

Alimony and retirement are NOT the only currency. Really, I hope you will spend a few of those hard earned dollars on a professional who can help you find your way out of your current situation. You and your kids do not need to be sentenced to this fate for the rest of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Don't see a new man as your escape hatch. That is unhealthy and may drive you to another loser.

Go to therapy to figure out why you are putting up with such a miserable existence. If you are supporting 5 people financially, in this area, you are a very capable adult. You are also raising three children. You rock.

You need a therapist to help you recognize that husband as dead weight. He is not some lifeline you should be afraid of releasing.

You may or may not get married again. This burning issue right now is how to get out of the dysfunctional marriage you feel stuck in. You are a prisoner in a jail of your own making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

His lawyer will have a field day if you do this. Do you think it won't be incredibly obvious that you voluntarily did this on purpose?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/imputing-income-child-support-virginia.html

In Virginia, the ability of a parent to pay child support is based not just on a parent's earnings, but a parent's ability to earn. In other words, the court can base child support on what a parent could earn, not simply what a parent actually earns. For example, if a parent voluntarily takes a job that provides less income than before, the court has the power to base child support on that parent's previous income. Also, if a parent is voluntarily unemployed or refuses to provide income information, the court can make its own decision on what income that parent could earn and use that amount for child support calculations; this is called "imputing income."

if the husband is voluntarily unemployed but has prior employment history and an education, the court can impute him some income as well so her CS to him will be reduced.

OP think as a man as you go into it. Don't allow a mentally taxing freeloader take your life savings and health. You can only "upgrade" from where you're now in terms of a life partner. Just don't make it a permanent situation and wait till "grey divorce"

Yeah, what are you talking about? (NP) The income that would be imputed would be to DH--unless he is disabled, ill, etc. Also, why is everyone assuming that DH is a SAHP?? It sounds like to me more that OP earns the lion share of their joint income, not that DH has voluntarily and with DW's endorsement chosen to take on all the child care. He will be laughed out of court if he thinks his maybe semi-underemployment would get him substantial alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

His lawyer will have a field day if you do this. Do you think it won't be incredibly obvious that you voluntarily did this on purpose?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/imputing-income-child-support-virginia.html

In Virginia, the ability of a parent to pay child support is based not just on a parent's earnings, but a parent's ability to earn. In other words, the court can base child support on what a parent could earn, not simply what a parent actually earns. For example, if a parent voluntarily takes a job that provides less income than before, the court has the power to base child support on that parent's previous income. Also, if a parent is voluntarily unemployed or refuses to provide income information, the court can make its own decision on what income that parent could earn and use that amount for child support calculations; this is called "imputing income."

if the husband is voluntarily unemployed but has prior employment history and an education, the court can impute him some income as well so her CS to him will be reduced.

OP think as a man as you go into it. Don't allow a mentally taxing freeloader take your life savings and health. You can only "upgrade" from where you're now in terms of a life partner. Just don't make it a permanent situation and wait till "grey divorce"

Yeah, what are you talking about? (NP) The income that would be imputed would be to DH--unless he is disabled, ill, etc. Also, why is everyone assuming that DH is a SAHP?? It sounds like to me more that OP earns the lion share of their joint income, not that DH has voluntarily and with DW's endorsement chosen to take on all the child care. He will be laughed out of court if he thinks his maybe semi-underemployment would get him substantial alimony.

Exactly: if the husband is a healthy 40 y.o. he will have very limited alimony for couple years (if SAHP). If he works and earns less than her, then CS will be calculated based on their incomes' parity and kids' needs. But CS never covers all extra curricular only a bare minimum, so if OP is better off financially and has an upper hand in organizing all these activities for kids, over time they will choose staying more with her.

OP- there won't be a situation after divorce that you are forced to finance your exH, his new wife and your kids are stuck 50% there. You are dramatizing.

[Anonymous]

Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my youngest is just 18 months

Ok that being the case - maybe you do need some help. Try and get in with a therapist and consider meds. This is to make you feel better and has nothing to do with your DH.

Then, yes, you can find someone else after 40 and it is pretty certain they too will have kids. So now you will be supporting a new DH who is also supporting some kids so in that sense, unless he is also a high income earner and the fact that he is paying support doesn't eat into your budget too much, then you will be ok, otherwise, now you are in the same position. It is also likely you will try and have a kid together.

It's not like getting a divorce and remarrying will make your situation better bc the bottom line will still be the same.

Your kids are young. They will get older. Both you and your DH will have more time for yourselves. The dynamics will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my youngest is just 18 months

Ok that being the case - maybe you do need some help. Try and get in with a therapist and consider meds. This is to make you feel better and has nothing to do with your DH.

Then, yes, you can find someone else after 40 and it is pretty certain they too will have kids. So now you will be supporting a new DH who is also supporting some kids so in that sense, unless he is also a high income earner and the fact that he is paying support doesn't eat into your budget too much, then you will be ok, otherwise, now you are in the same position. It is also likely you will try and have a kid together.

It's not like getting a divorce and remarrying will make your situation better bc the bottom line will still be the same.

Your kids are young. They will get older. Both you and your DH will have more time for yourselves. The dynamics will change.

This OP. Your husband being a dead weight has nothing to do with YOUR value. If you would rather be married than alone, you are probably better off making a mental adjustment in the situation you are in than being a single mother and sole support to three children including an infant. I would completely take the idea of divorce off the table and free your mind from that conflict. Work on improving other areas of your life. Lots can get better that is in your control: you can make new friends, get a raise, your kids will get older. If you have enough money to divorce then instead buy a country house and spend time there with the older kids alone. Leave the baby with DH for long weekends. He will drop the "open marriage" idea mighty fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not, but I know many who did.

It kinda makes me sad but it's also kind of a relief, when I look around at the people I know who have spouses - especially women with husbands - I know I am not cut out for putting up with the cr@p that they put up with.

I'd like a male friend to do things with (and sex) but not someone living in my house and having to cook, clean, and try to keep happy all the time. It's exhausting.

It took a long time for the "I will never remarry, I don't need no man, men are just lazy man-babies" crowd to show up in this thread but it was inevitable eventually.

(Narrator: another obese, aging single mom was left on the shelf and is tearfully insisting that she wouldn't have it any other way)

I am not who are you are responding to but your description of who a typical narrator would be to say this is completely off. I will absolutely never remarry and I’m very attractive and I don’t need a man because they’re mostly useless. I have enough of my own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

Does anyone on DCUM make less than $300k? I swear every time I'm on this page, there is a $300k salary poster either their own money or their spouse. I just don't understand why these people have problems and why they are on this site. Boredom? How does that much money per year not leave you satisfied enough and instead interested in going onto DCUM to work out issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

Does anyone on DCUM make less than $300k? I swear every time I'm on this page, there is a $300k salary poster either their own money or their spouse. I just don't understand why these people have problems and why they are on this site. Boredom? How does that much money per year not leave you satisfied enough and instead interested in going onto DCUM to work out issues?

$300k after tax is $180. You are saying that $180k should solve all your life problems regardless of circumstance? I’d understand if you said $1.5m but $300k pre tax income is not solving all life’s problems in 2022

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

Does anyone on DCUM make less than $300k? I swear every time I'm on this page, there is a $300k salary poster either their own money or their spouse. I just don't understand why these people have problems and why they are on this site. Boredom? How does that much money per year not leave you satisfied enough and instead interested in going onto DCUM to work out issues?

300K in DC is barely lower middle class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

Does anyone on DCUM make less than $300k? I swear every time I'm on this page, there is a $300k salary poster either their own money or their spouse. I just don't understand why these people have problems and why they are on this site. Boredom? How does that much money per year not leave you satisfied enough and instead interested in going onto DCUM to work out issues?

300K in DC is barely lower middle class.

Comments like this don’t help.
$300k in dc is middle class but it’s nothing to write home about and certainly not a panacea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

Does anyone on DCUM make less than $300k? I swear every time I'm on this page, there is a $300k salary poster either their own money or their spouse. I just don't understand why these people have problems and why they are on this site. Boredom? How does that much money per year not leave you satisfied enough and instead interested in going onto DCUM to work out issues?

Can you read? They are divorced. She makes $150K now tops and has to work FT and pay for FT childcare to earn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: imputed income, exactly this.

My DH made $350K (actually more but that was all we could find publicly). I had not worked for 8 months after a move, and in my previous job had made $150K. The court imputed me that $150K, even though we had required a FT nanny for me to work 60 hours a week to earn that salary and I now had full-time custody. Child support, which he only pays until kid is 18, is based on a percentage of the difference between incomes and is like $2K a month, even though he now earns $600K, and I make $218K and have effectively 100% custody bc he did not want it. He paid 2 years of rehabilitative alimony that was like $5K a month including the child support. I could take him back to court to demand an adjustment, but then there would be a look-back on all finances, and I don't want him to know anything about my finances. I still owe my lawyer $13K, 2 years later.

Does anyone on DCUM make less than $300k? I swear every time I'm on this page, there is a $300k salary poster either their own money or their spouse. I just don't understand why these people have problems and why they are on this site. Boredom? How does that much money per year not leave you satisfied enough and instead interested in going onto DCUM to work out issues?

300K in DC is barely lower middle class.

bullsh!t. this type of thinking is ridiculous!