Women who divorce after 40 -- did anyone successfully find new partners?
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Anonymous
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I admit I am scared of leaving because I do not want to be alone raising 3 kids. I am waaaay past my prime. I do not feel loved or desired by my husband either. He makes it clear he would be open to an open marriage. I am the breadwinner so really have a lot to lose in a divorce. I worry I wont really gain anything in a divorce. I would lose even more-- he takes half of my retirement, get the kids 50% of the time, i now have to pay for two households and support husband if he fathers new children (just so my children's lifestyle will be the same)
It really is the great unfairness... and it eats me up. There are days when I feel so little self respect for myself. That I have given up and settled because of my fears. Anyone else successful in talking themselves out of a divorce? Thank you |
Anonymous
| Find a lover. Just be careful. |
Anonymous
| Careful how? |
Anonymous
This is the answer |
Anonymous
+1 how old are the kids? Once they are out of school, you can break out. |
Anonymous
| my youngest is just 18 months |
Anonymous
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You think that your hypothetical "new partner" is going to help you raise three kids? Sorry, not happening. You'll just be cooking for him and cleaning up after him as well as paying alimony and CS to your ex.
Really you ought to be thinking about what's best for your kids, and if your DH is a good father then find a way to improve your marriage and make it work. |
Anonymous
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Get your husband working again so he is divorce ready and has his own retirement funds. Yes, you have to share, since you decided to be the breadwinner, just like he would have had to if it were him.
Biggest risk to a child is a non-related adult in the family (e.g. a stepparent). I don't think you want to do that. |
Anonymous
| Get some couples counseling to see if there is some kind of way to make it work. A divorce could well make your life far worse than it is right now and finding a new partner in your situation would be very difficult unless strictly a FWB. Right now you need to do what is best for your kids. |
Anonymous
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OP here-- I am very ashamed to admit that I want to be married. I wish I could be all alpha female and say I can just do it by myself. That I don't need a man. i know I need to be thinking of the kids, and believe me, I am doing that as much as I can. Psychologically it eats me up. Husband wants to buy a boat, I do it, even if I dont agree. Just to keep the effing peace.
My mom is a divorcee who did this, and I saw how difficult it was. I also am really scared to be alone. It is very hard to work on a marriage BY MYSELF. |
Anonymous
| How old are your kids? Keep DH around until they are gone. In the meantime, a FWB could breathe some life into you. I'd open up that marriage. |
Anonymous
Then don't work on the marriage. Spend your time on other things. But you won't find a partner willing to raise your three kids. Don't even think of it as an option. It's a fairy tale. You might be able to find a lover but that has it's own drama that you probably only know about 1/4 of at this point. But even then it will take away time from your job and kids. You can't do everything at the same time. Eventually, the kids grow up and leave. What's wrong with a boat? He goes away and pays rent and drives kids around. If he doesn't love you he doesn't love you. Don't try to make it happen. You will know if he's open to it again. |
Anonymous
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You have an 18 month old?
I'd see a sex therapist as a couple. It sounds like your husband is frustrated too is he wants to open the marriage. |
Anonymous
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He would get half the marital share of the retirement but not the whole half.
It's half the share while you have been married. It depends how bad day to day is. If you want to be married, stay married. I divorced at 42 but had and still have no intention of being married ever again. If you want to divorce later, you will be paying more and potential permanent alimony if in VA. I would not stay to only divorce later. But don't divorce if you think you can just find another spouse. It may not happen. |
Anonymous
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Whats wrong with a small boat? Put kids in life jackets and Dad and kids can go out on a river or on the Bay. You get a break.
You live in a great area for boating. |