Women who divorce after 40 -- did anyone successfully find new partners?

[Anonymous]

A friend divorced and met her husband shortly after. She was his child's teacher (many years ago) and they had mutual friends. Another friend met her husband through an online site - I think Plenty of Fish but not sure She had 3 children and he was 10 years younger with no children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Myself and a few of my friends have divorced with kids, and all but one are remarried. I married a man who had no kids, and he is a step parent to my 3 kids. My best friend also remarried a man with no kids and he step parents her 2 kids. It can and does happen.

I divorced because the thought of staying with my ex and raise kids with him just became too unbearable. He didn’t show me love, was constantly angry, yelled at us, and my kids were modeling his behavior. My best friend left her ex because he was having multiple affairs. Some marriages need to end.

You’ve made it this far carrying all the weight. You can do it. I hate these DCUM, because all you’ll hear is that you’ll end up alone and miserable. I’m infinitely happier now.

How did you and your friends meet your husbands?

I met my DH eating dinner alone. BFF met her DH on Plenty of Fish. She dated about a dozen men before she met her DH. I met my DH very randomly and wasn’t trying to meet anyone. I just lived my life and was open to talking to people I met along the way. BFFs DH has struggled more in the step parent role (but BFF has a disabled child that is challenging). My DH has adapted better, mostly because my ex doesn’t want to be in our children's lives so I don’t have many coparent issues.

Believe it or not, both our DHs are good looking, athletic, and have stable jobs making between $150-200K. BFF and I each make more than our new DHs (and both our exs made more than us). Both our DHs were divorced and had bad prior marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just look at your DH as a business partner in raising a family and keeping a home life. Concentrate on working on yourself and your own happiness. Find a hobby like a beginning tennis clinic or an art class, something you've always wanted to try. Find things outside of family that make you feel good about yourself again. Many, many people have so-so marriages that are just hobbling along, that are being kept together for the kids and the finances. The more you learn to love yourself and your life, the less important your lack of love life with your husband will be. Or maybe, you will find someone else along the way.

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just look at your DH as a business partner in raising a family and keeping a home life. Concentrate on working on yourself and your own happiness. Find a hobby like a beginning tennis clinic or an art class, something you've always wanted to try. Find things outside of family that make you feel good about yourself again. Many, many people have so-so marriages that are just hobbling along, that are being kept together for the kids and the finances. The more you learn to love yourself and your life, the less important your lack of love life with your husband will be. Or maybe, you will find someone else along the way.

This is great advice.

Not for everyone. I did that and wasted 10 years.

[Anonymous]

What do you look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Myself and a few of my friends have divorced with kids, and all but one are remarried. I married a man who had no kids, and he is a step parent to my 3 kids. My best friend also remarried a man with no kids and he step parents her 2 kids. It can and does happen.

I divorced because the thought of staying with my ex and raise kids with him just became too unbearable. He didn’t show me love, was constantly angry, yelled at us, and my kids were modeling his behavior. My best friend left her ex because he was having multiple affairs. Some marriages need to end.

You’ve made it this far carrying all the weight. You can do it. I hate these DCUM, because all you’ll hear is that you’ll end up alone and miserable. I’m infinitely happier now.

How did you and your friends meet your husbands?

I met my DH eating dinner alone. BFF met her DH on Plenty of Fish. She dated about a dozen men before she met her DH. I met my DH very randomly and wasn’t trying to meet anyone. I just lived my life and was open to talking to people I met along the way. BFFs DH has struggled more in the step parent role (but BFF has a disabled child that is challenging). My DH has adapted better, mostly because my ex doesn’t want to be in our children's lives so I don’t have many coparent issues.

Believe it or not, both our DHs are good looking, athletic, and have stable jobs making between $150-200K. BFF and I each make more than our new DHs (and both our exs made more than us). Both our DHs were divorced and had bad prior marriages.

Thank you. I really appreciate you providing so much detail. I’m divorced and ideally would like to remarry. I’ve been considering dating men who make less than me. I’m curious how much of an income you and you DH have? Does it cause any problems?

[Anonymous]

I divorced at 46 and remarried a wonderful man a few years later.

[Anonymous]

Op if your husband is contributing nothing financially I disagree with other posters who say stay. I mean - of course you can find another dh - there are millions of men in the word. It just depends on who. If you were married to a $1m+ earning dh then the advice is ok get divorced and maybe you end up with a $200k earning dh. If you have a zero earning dh then you can only trade up. If you are bankrolling his life you will get more out of him in the divorce bc unless he is disabled the judge will make him work. Alimony is not a given tho child support is. I know many many divorced women with kids who have remarried. To me the bigger q is do you want to not see your kids half the time

[Anonymous]

OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

Oh, I forgot to mention you don't agree to any "settlements" for a long time, like a year or more. Drain him psychologically, transfer all accounts to your name and give him an "allowance" - this is legal as long as you pay his minimal bills. He should feel that custody, CS and alimony will be an uphill court only battle for him that cost hundreds of thousands. He will eventually give in since he has no savings to pay lawyers

[Anonymous]

I did not, but I know many who did.

It kinda makes me sad but it's also kind of a relief, when I look around at the people I know who have spouses - especially women with husbands - I know I am not cut out for putting up with the cr@p that they put up with.

I'd like a male friend to do things with (and sex) but not someone living in my house and having to cook, clean, and try to keep happy all the time. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not, but I know many who did.

It kinda makes me sad but it's also kind of a relief, when I look around at the people I know who have spouses - especially women with husbands - I know I am not cut out for putting up with the cr@p that they put up with.

I'd like a male friend to do things with (and sex) but not someone living in my house and having to cook, clean, and try to keep happy all the time. It's exhausting.

It took a long time for the "I will never remarry, I don't need no man, men are just lazy man-babies" crowd to show up in this thread but it was inevitable eventually.

(Narrator: another obese, aging single mom was left on the shelf and is tearfully insisting that she wouldn't have it any other way)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

His lawyer will have a field day if you do this. Do you think it won't be incredibly obvious that you voluntarily did this on purpose?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/imputing-income-child-support-virginia.html

In Virginia, the ability of a parent to pay child support is based not just on a parent's earnings, but a parent's ability to earn. In other words, the court can base child support on what a parent could earn, not simply what a parent actually earns. For example, if a parent voluntarily takes a job that provides less income than before, the court has the power to base child support on that parent's previous income. Also, if a parent is voluntarily unemployed or refuses to provide income information, the court can make its own decision on what income that parent could earn and use that amount for child support calculations; this is called "imputing income."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

His lawyer will have a field day if you do this. Do you think it won't be incredibly obvious that you voluntarily did this on purpose?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/imputing-income-child-support-virginia.html

In Virginia, the ability of a parent to pay child support is based not just on a parent's earnings, but a parent's ability to earn. In other words, the court can base child support on what a parent could earn, not simply what a parent actually earns. For example, if a parent voluntarily takes a job that provides less income than before, the court has the power to base child support on that parent's previous income. Also, if a parent is voluntarily unemployed or refuses to provide income information, the court can make its own decision on what income that parent could earn and use that amount for child support calculations; this is called "imputing income."

good luck to him spending 200K on trying to "impute" her an income, while she takes care of an 18 months old. She can easily prove it was warranted for her to spend more time with kids since they are so little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let me give you unconventional advice. This is how men do this (my ex did this to me) when they are a-oles. First of all you should not stay with him if he's draining your finances and psychologically unbearable. The more your stay, the higher share in all assets, your marital portion of pension accumulates. If you divorce him in 15 years, you are on hook for a lifetime alimony (I know for a fact the case when not working exH receives $6K/month from a MD exW, they divorced in late 50s).
If your DH is in his 40s the alimony will be small and temporary.

Second: make it appear to him like you are going to court for everything: don't agree to child support, to alimony to anything voluntarily. Is your employment easy to replace? Can you switch to a part-time position or leave job temporarily to take care of your 18 months old? It might be wise in terms of child support and alimony to reduce your income: you have a minor child and it will be well received by the judge if you show husband is not helping at whole WHILE also not working. You would have to pay a minimal child support.

If the CS is small, even if you do have 50/50 custody, the expenses on all children would be too high for your exH to want them 50% of his time. He will slowly become a "weekend dad" or remarry. The new woman also wouldn't want to bank your kids.

As a result, you will be free, will have your kids most of the time and pay little to him.

His lawyer will have a field day if you do this. Do you think it won't be incredibly obvious that you voluntarily did this on purpose?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/imputing-income-child-support-virginia.html

In Virginia, the ability of a parent to pay child support is based not just on a parent's earnings, but a parent's ability to earn. In other words, the court can base child support on what a parent could earn, not simply what a parent actually earns. For example, if a parent voluntarily takes a job that provides less income than before, the court has the power to base child support on that parent's previous income. Also, if a parent is voluntarily unemployed or refuses to provide income information, the court can make its own decision on what income that parent could earn and use that amount for child support calculations; this is called "imputing income."

good luck to him spending 200K on trying to "impute" her an income, while she takes care of an 18 months old. She can easily prove it was warranted for her to spend more time with kids since they are so little.

She can just go ahead and hire first a very expensive nanny; spend 3-4 months on that nanny and then switch to part time job. There will be a financial track showing taking part time was warranted given increased childcare expenses after the birth of their 3rd child.

So husband should work now, and the judge will make him work and support his 3 kids