Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is telling children age appropriately, the facts about why their family is no longer together “bad mouthing?”

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It depends. Sometimes we don't tell everyone all of our truths, you know? There is a line between "need to know" and "bad mouthing gossip." I think with kids there comes a time when they need to know, but until then, it could be seen as gratuitous badmouthing, even if true. If you do that, then the kid disrespects both of you in the end. Knowledge like this is a huge emotional burden, so you need to be careful about where and when you choose to rest that burden. Often you come up against a bad situation where you have to decide which is worse -- telling them or letting them go through life unaware of the huge gap in information they have been living under? You also have to ask yourself for whose benefit are you telling them? If yours, probably don't tell yet. If theirs or mostly theirs, then it is probably time.

Be aware when you do tell that a very normal human reaction to this is to reflect back on the period of time when they did not know and view their whole life in that period as a "lie," blaming everyone who knew but didn't tell them. They may feel guilt or anger about things they said or did during that period (both good and bad) that they feel they would not have done had they known. Kids of divorce are constantly placed in situations, some big and thousands of little ones, where they are making mom v. dad decisions, even if only in their heads -- a big gap in information when these decisions are made can have emotional repercussions.[/quote]

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