If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

I do not believe that anyone is from a "perfect" family. Even if parents were "perfect" (which is impossible at least in the eyes of their offspring) kids might not have been.
You might think I am from that super great family where I got all the support, and I am, in many ways. I have secure attachment personality and appear to come from that perfect family.
But, to answer your question, I have discouraged my kids from getting enmeshed in friendships with people from messed families that are clearly messed up themselves. I did not do this when they were young kids, but now as young adults and when they were teens it is trying to have such friends. As my young adult kids have given them every chance, these friends are either narcissist's, abusive, or trying to the very core of their beings. So just as you want the best for yourself, so do I for myself and my kids.
Some of these "friends" have abused my dd, one told her that she needs to get as low as she can as she is worthless, and now my young adult DD is suffering and recovering from that abuse bcs she did not take my advice. Just as her friend did not deserve to be treated as she wa by her family, my DD did not deserve to be treated and abused by that friend.
Plenty of people rise above and are not abusive, narcissists because that is how they grew up. So, yes, I have no patience for such individuals, you do not deserve special treatment bcs of your background and you do not deserve for people like me and my kids to give you more leeway and extra chances.
Plenty of people of terrible families do not grow up to become crappy friends and abuse their own friends. So what is your excuse now that you are a grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this is true. People from highly functional families tend to tell you that there's no alcoholism, no divorce, no whatever in their families, in a proud tone.

[Anonymous]

Rational fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

This is a good post. And explains an early PP who was talking about how they feel like they can't trust people who take about having been abused because they might be playing the victim (which is a messed up outlook).

I also think the resentment sometimes stems from two related issues:

(1) The perception that someone from a dysfunctional background is using their background to get out of responsibility for things. I get this. I've been in the situation before where someone really hurt me and instead of apologizing was like "well actually I'm the victim here because I dealt with xyx in my life." And that is really frustrating. In my case, though, it doesn't lead me to resent people from dysfunctional backgrounds in general because I am from one. So I am more inclined to think "I resent people who don't take responsibility for their own behavior, especially when it impacts me directly." I don't dislike people from dysfunctional backgrounds as a matter of course because what matters is how they act and treat other people now.

(2) Some people from dysfunctional backgrounds WILL use their backstory as a tool in getting attention/help/etc. from other people. Like it's a manipulation tactic. Similar to what I was talking about in #1 but more broadly. I think when people talk about "vulnerable narcissism" this can often be part of it -- it's this perspective some people get where they feel they are permanently deserving of other people's time, attention, and forgiveness because of a past trauma.

But to reiterate, this is SOME people with background dysfunction. I'd never pain everyone who grew up with dysfunction this way. I would say that more than half of my close friends have some kind of trauma or dysfunction they have had to deal with and I would not describe any of them as struggling to take responsibility for their actions or using their past trauma to manipulate others. And I have known people from seemingly idyllic backgrounds who do shirk responsibility and are manipulative. What matters is how people act, not what their background is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

But then it begs the question why some people who seem to (and claim to) be from functional families are so sanctimonious and judgmental. Either these people are in denial and actually they have dysfunction in their family that is causing their sanctimony/judgment (these are maladaptive behaviors) OR there is something about being from a functional family that causes these specific things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

But then it begs the question why some people who seem to (and claim to) be from functional families are so sanctimonious and judgmental. Either these people are in denial and actually they have dysfunction in their family that is causing their sanctimony/judgment (these are maladaptive behaviors) OR there is something about being from a functional family that causes these specific things.

People are individuals and some are sanctimonious and judgmental. They shouldn’t be the type of people you select to be your friends. There are sanctimonious people from dysfunctional backgrounds too. No one is claiming that everyone coming from a functional family is incapable of having bad character traits.

[Anonymous]

Sanctimonious and judgmental people are narcissists, and their families are not actually functional as a result. But narcissists cannot see dysfunction they cause — it is a hallmark of narcissism — so they present as functional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sanctimonious and judgmental people are narcissists, and their families are not actually functional as a result. But narcissists cannot see dysfunction they cause — it is a hallmark of narcissism — so they present as functional.

This.

[Anonymous]

Functional vs dysfunctional are way more nuanced and mean different things to deferent people even within the same family.

I do think there are some people who assume that their “normal” upbringing automatically makes them normal and functional. When in reality, there was a lot of sweeping issues under the rug and therefore nothing was dealt with and so you get some quite emotionally immature adults who fear their own dysfunction.

Whereas, more chaotic upbringings may help create some more resilient compassionate adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Functional vs dysfunctional are way more nuanced and mean different things to deferent people even within the same family.

I do think there are some people who assume that their “normal” upbringing automatically makes them normal and functional. When in reality, there was a lot of sweeping issues under the rug and therefore nothing was dealt with and so you get some quite emotionally immature adults who fear their own dysfunction.

Whereas, more chaotic upbringings may help create some more resilient compassionate adults.[/[iquote]



My mom says our poverty and homelessness made us tough. In reality, I am aworkaholic who struggles with shame and fear of losing it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Functional vs dysfunctional are way more nuanced and mean different things to deferent people even within the same family.

I do think there are some people who assume that their “normal” upbringing automatically makes them normal and functional. When in reality, there was a lot of sweeping issues under the rug and therefore nothing was dealt with and so you get some quite emotionally immature adults who fear their own dysfunction.

Whereas, more chaotic upbringings may help create some more resilient compassionate adults.

I get this. My mom is super weird about our family's issues. Like on the one hand, she's the first person to be like "we have issues with alcoholism and mental health in our family." But if my siblings or I ever even hint at the idea that our childhood was not "normal" she freaks out. She sees the issues but is terrified of the idea that we aren't normal and worked super hard to project an image of our family being very normal to outsiders (which was a huge part of our family dysfunction!).

But a major part of the problem was the way she separated people into normal v. not normal. She conflated "normalcy" with healthy/functional, and they aren't the same. Like I know people from families with divorced parents where they have very functional, healthy relationships with their parents. In some ways the divorce facilitated those relationships because it was a way of their parents being honest (our relationship isn't working and we are better off apart) and that translates to similarly honest and straightforward relationships elsewhere. Meanwhile my parents hated each other and often hated us (but also loved us, and resented us, and were jealous of us). And rather than DEAL with that, we just put a show of normalcy to others. I remember going through a mild goth phase in high school (I was a theater kid) and my mom absolutely melted down at the idea of other people seeing me wearing a black dress and eyeliner. As an adult, I realized it's because she understood we were all basically pretending to be functional anyway, so she didn't want anything that would even give a sniff of "issues" to anyone, especially not her super conservative family, because then the jig would be up.

Family therapy should be more widely available and probably offered to all families when their kids are in elementary school, just in case. It would solve a LOT of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

It's not a blanket statement. I'm sure there's plenty of functional, kind, empathetic families out there who wash feet of all stripes just like Jesus intended. I also put quotation marks around "functional", and indicated the lens of my own experience. Sounds like this description resonated with others in the thread, so I know I'm not totally off base here. Maybe it's more accurate to say that there are families who are on paper very functional and happy: no obvious signs of trauma or abuse, home is a safe place, parent, child, and sibling relationships and attachments are close and healthy. But there is an insularity, whether intentional or not, that prevents exposure to the diversity of experiences that develop a stronger sense of empathy and inclusion. Hence they turn out kids who grow into adults who react in an "Ew, that would never happen in MY precious, perfect family" sort of way. Venture over to the private schools forum sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

No it isn’t “hitting the nail on the head” to claim with zero evidence that functional families “breed sanctimony and judgment.”

It's not a blanket statement. I'm sure there's plenty of functional, kind, empathetic families out there who wash feet of all stripes just like Jesus intended. I also put quotation marks around "functional", and indicated the lens of my own experience. Sounds like this description resonated with others in the thread, so I know I'm not totally off base here. Maybe it's more accurate to say that there are families who are on paper very functional and happy: no obvious signs of trauma or abuse, home is a safe place, parent, child, and sibling relationships and attachments are close and healthy. But there is an insularity, whether intentional or not, that prevents exposure to the diversity of experiences that develop a stronger sense of empathy and inclusion. Hence they turn out kids who grow into adults who react in an "Ew, that would never happen in MY precious, perfect family" sort of way. Venture over to the private schools forum sometime.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this is true. People from highly functional families tend to tell you that there's no alcoholism, no divorce, no whatever in their families, in a proud tone.

Anecdotally, I found that among families that say "there is no divorce in our family" very often it means literally that - they don't divorce. Doesn't mean there are no abusive or otherwise dysfunctional marriages, doesn't mean that marriages are great or enviable. They just don't divorce, because being married is a virtue in itself.