Reply to If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

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Reply to "If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction. [/quote]

I think this hits the nail on the head.  I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc.  I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc.  Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant!  But that’s no reason to judge.  We all have our trials in life. [/quote]

This is a good post. And explains an early PP who was talking about how they feel like they can't trust people who take about having been abused because they might be playing the victim (which is a messed up outlook).

I also think the resentment sometimes stems from two related issues:

(1) The perception that someone from a dysfunctional background is using their background to get out of responsibility for things. I get this. I've been in the situation before where someone really hurt me and instead of apologizing was like "well actually I'm the victim here because I dealt with xyx in my life." And that is really frustrating. In my case, though, it doesn't lead me to resent people from dysfunctional backgrounds in general because I am from one. So I am more inclined to think "I resent people who don't take responsibility for their own behavior, especially when it impacts me directly." I don't dislike people from dysfunctional backgrounds as a matter of course because what matters is how they act and treat other people now.

(2) Some people from dysfunctional backgrounds WILL use their backstory as a tool in getting attention/help/etc. from other people. Like it's a manipulation tactic. Similar to what I was talking about in #1 but more broadly. I think when people talk about "vulnerable narcissism" this can often be part of it -- it's this perspective some people get where they feel they are permanently deserving of other people's time, attention, and forgiveness because of a past trauma.

But to reiterate, this is SOME people with background dysfunction. I'd never pain everyone who grew up with dysfunction this way. I would say that more than half of my close friends have some kind of trauma or dysfunction they have had to deal with and I would not describe any of them as struggling to take responsibility for their actions or using their past trauma to manipulate others. And I have known people from seemingly idyllic backgrounds who do shirk responsibility and are manipulative. What matters is how people act, not what their background is.[/quote]

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