Do you harshly judge mothers with a lot of outside help?

[Anonymous]

No. In the past, women had more help. There was community. I begrudge no one the help, especially when there's three or more kids. If you can, do it!

[Anonymous]

No but I judge people who judge mothers with outside help! I get so tired of the (generally) older people who do the, “I raised my kids without help!” I always want to go, “well? Did you raise them well without any help?” Because I usually know their kids (now adults) and they didn’t turn out that great.

I even had to take issue with my mother who had three kids all five years apart when I have twins and a child just two years older. Big difference, Mom!

Yes, I have a wonderful full time nanny and a cleaning team who come in twice a week. Our nanny was a preschool teacher and does amazing crafts with my kids as well as helped them plant a garden. Nanny sings beautifully and is teaching my older child music. These are skills I simply don’t have. I love cooking and baking and do it with my kids while nanny makes sure they don’t kill each other and does their laundry and clean up. As another poster pointed out, we work together.

And I get a real lunch hour to go to the gym or for a run alone.

I do care that other mothers judge me because I think they aren’t being honest with themselves.

[Anonymous]

No I don’t but I do judge parents giving their kids phones too young. I get that it keeps your kid happy and quiet but in the long harm this is doing more harm than someone who has “help” A kid my 10yo used to be very good friends with had been given one and he’s basically shut down and wants it all the time. Even had it in a restaurant when we all went out to eat snd ky kid just sat there until I suggested they play hangman together or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do judge. I imagine what it’s like to grow up as a kid with a nanny attending to my every need and a housekeeper cleaning up after every mess and a cook preparing exactly what I want… and I think that would make for an irresponsible and entitled adult.

Except it doesn’t have to work that way. DH was raised like that and also taught “to whom much is given, much is expected”. He joined the Peace Corp out of college and has a great understanding of human nature. He also learned to speak Spanish and French from his nanny and housekeeper as a young child which has made all other languages come easily to him.

Some of our greatest leaders had privileged childhoods. While we all know extremely irresponsible and entitled people from not privileged backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I don’t but I do judge parents giving their kids phones too young. I get that it keeps your kid happy and quiet but in the long harm this is doing more harm than someone who has “help” A kid my 10yo used to be very good friends with had been given one and he’s basically shut down and wants it all the time. Even had it in a restaurant when we all went out to eat snd ky kid just sat there until I suggested they play hangman together or something.

+1. They judge the mother with the nanny but not the mother who could afford the nanny but chooses to put her kids in front of the TV for hours every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do judge. I imagine what it’s like to grow up as a kid with a nanny attending to my every need and a housekeeper cleaning up after every mess and a cook preparing exactly what I want… and I think that would make for an irresponsible and entitled adult.

Except it doesn’t have to work that way. DH was raised like that and also taught “to whom much is given, much is expected”. He joined the Peace Corp out of college and has a great understanding of human nature. He also learned to speak Spanish and French from his nanny and housekeeper as a young child which has made all other languages come easily to him.

Some of our greatest leaders had privileged childhoods. While we all know extremely irresponsible and entitled people from not privileged backgrounds.

+1. My BFF was raised in Beverly Hills with a nanny, housekeeper and cook. She is the kindest and most generous human I have ever known.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. But like attracts like to some degree, and it turns out that my very close friends all have about the same HHI and lifestyle that we have. One that does not include those perks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a high school only educated nanny, a guy who mowed the lawn, and a housekeeper 25 hours/wk when my kids were little. It wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t as expensive as it sounds.

Our housekeeper made $2k/month. Factoring in the fact that before we hired her we were spending $400/month on takeout and $400/month on biweekly cleaning, that was $1200/month. I was able to pick up a moonlighting gig (doing the work that I’m actually good at) that covered the additional cost. It made sense to me.

Now that the kids are older, they do their own cleaning. If she was a godsend when they were little.

Your housekeeper made meals for you? That’s like my dream!

She did! She made great pies in the summer and cookies around Christmas. And she would make stuff for meal trains whenever someone had a baby or whatever.
My daughter loved to hang out with her in the kitchen.

My husband got sick and was in the hospital and rehab for several months at one point during the years she was with us. She would get really pissed at me if I didn’t heat up the meals she made and eat them with the kids. She kind of held me together (or made me hold myself together) during that time.

She sounds wonderful, PP. How great for your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Forego social security? Why? Once you reach full SS age, which is around 67 for most people right now, you can earn as much as you want without reduced SS benefits.

Also, just because a grandma watches a kid doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't good at it. Do you have a problem with the idea that someone wants their kid cared for by someone who loves them? I don't understand why you felt it necessary to go into attack mode with this other mom. You were "livid"? I guess you took her statement as an attack on your childcare arrangement so of course it was critical to attack back. That's how mommy discussions become mommy wars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Forego social security? Why? Once you reach full SS age, which is around 67 for most people right now, you can earn as much as you want without reduced SS benefits.

Also, just because a grandma watches a kid doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't good at it. Do you have a problem with the idea that someone wants their kid cared for by someone who loves them? I don't understand why you felt it necessary to go into attack mode with this other mom. You were "livid"? I guess you took her statement as an attack on your childcare arrangement so of course it was critical to attack back. That's how mommy discussions become mommy wars.

Two things to add: first, our nanny truly loves our kids too. And second, I know a grandfather who cared for his grandson every day. He was retired and loved doing it. They were so cute together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. I SAH and have no outside help other than a monthly housekeeper. And we could afford a nanny if we wanted one. But I actually enjoy my kids and would feel guilty if I outsourced them. But I also have a super supportive and involved husband. What would I need a full time nanny for??

Here’s what you aren’t understanding: you are outsourcing your kids to a nanny. A nanny brings something you can’t offer to your children (a second language, or preschool teacher skill set, or musical or artistic ability, etc) and works along side you. You get to have one-on-one time with each child and venture out to places you couldn’t do without an extra set of hands. The beach on a Tuesday for example. And a nanny would do the kids laundry, organizing, room and toy cleaning, kids errands so you have more quality time to spend with your children.

I have a friend who is SAH with a nanny are she is a truly wonderful involved mom. And her kids now speak fluent French (which neither she nor her husband speak). Her nanny also stayed with her oldest while she was delivering the second and her older never had any jealousy issues since he still had his nanny’s attention in the beginning. His world wasn’t thrown into chaos.

There are lots of benefits, PP. If I could afford a nanny as a SAHM I would do it for my kids.

+1. It isn’t outsourcing their care - it’s adding to it. We can’t be everything to our kids. The ability to hire a nanny with a different skill set than mine enriches their lives and makes our days calmer and happier. I am still with one or more of my kids all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Forego social security? Why? Once you reach full SS age, which is around 67 for most people right now, you can earn as much as you want without reduced SS benefits.

Also, just because a grandma watches a kid doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't good at it. Do you have a problem with the idea that someone wants their kid cared for by someone who loves them? I don't understand why you felt it necessary to go into attack mode with this other mom. You were "livid"? I guess you took her statement as an attack on your childcare arrangement so of course it was critical to attack back. That's how mommy discussions become mommy wars.

The grandma was in her mid 50s, I happened to know that for a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Forego social security? Why? Once you reach full SS age, which is around 67 for most people right now, you can earn as much as you want without reduced SS benefits.

Also, just because a grandma watches a kid doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't good at it. Do you have a problem with the idea that someone wants their kid cared for by someone who loves them? I don't understand why you felt it necessary to go into attack mode with this other mom. You were "livid"? I guess you took her statement as an attack on your childcare arrangement so of course it was critical to attack back. That's how mommy discussions become mommy wars.

The grandma was in her mid 50s, I happened to know that for a fact.

None of your business and you suck for judging the grandmother.

[Anonymous]

I judge parents who have all the advantages but do not utilize it to give a good upbringing and education to their kids. I judge the rich parents who do not get help for their kids with mental illness and bad grades. I judge the rich parents who have outsourced chores but do not utilize that extra time to be with their children. I judge rich folks that do not spend their time and resources in cultivating strong family and social ties. I judge rich parents who have the means to travel and enrich their children education with ECs and community service, but are not interested in doing so. I judge them for having sex without protection and having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Forego social security? Why? Once you reach full SS age, which is around 67 for most people right now, you can earn as much as you want without reduced SS benefits.

Also, just because a grandma watches a kid doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't good at it. Do you have a problem with the idea that someone wants their kid cared for by someone who loves them? I don't understand why you felt it necessary to go into attack mode with this other mom. You were "livid"? I guess you took her statement as an attack on your childcare arrangement so of course it was critical to attack back. That's how mommy discussions become mommy wars.

The grandma was in her mid 50s, I happened to know that for a fact.

Okay, well people in their mid 50s can't get SS so what are you talking about?