Do you harshly judge mothers with a lot of outside help?

[Anonymous]

I don't "judge harshly", but I do kind of raise my eyebrows at some of the more extreme situations that seem like some of the kids I grew up around on the UES of Manhattan. Talking parents gone for 3+ weeks at a time and probably 3-10 hours of parental exposure a month. I don't see that too much around here, fortunately. When I have, I don't judge the mothers specifically (wtf?) but I do think it is unfair to the children to have parents who are so clearly checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

You sound like a great mom who has help but is actively engaged with kids and parenting. I don’t think anyone would judge this

+1. And if they do it’s only out of jealousy.

DP and I don't judge this set up, but I also wouldn't feel confident as a parent if I relied on that much outside help for things to run smoothly. I can be independent to a fault, but I also need to know that if shit goes down, I can handle it. That's what makes me a confident and relaxed parent (I have three kids).

-1. I can handle it (I have three too) but I know it’s not in the best interest of my children. Extra help would mean more one-on-one time with each of them and possibly a second language or other skills I don’t possess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge one tiny iota anyone, in any situation, who hires any level of paid help.

I have to admit that I judge a teensy bit people who use their parents or in-laws as a full-time unpaid nanny. I don't mean as an occasional babysitter, or part-time help during some afternoons or days of the week; I mean like 40- or 50 hour a week kind of set-up. I just don't understand how one could be comfortable having their parents spending this time in their lives that way.

It’s 100% what my in-laws want. Any time I even plan a long trip without them seeing the kids they get upset. And they often text me asking me to bring the kids by on the weekend because they miss them.

They need to cut the cord. They want you to bring the kids by on the weekend because they haven't had time to cultivate a life in this phase (since they are watching your kids all week). My healthy, able-bodied parents do date-night babysitting for my kids (and my nieces and nephews), they pick up the older kids one afternoon from school and spend it with them, they have a monthly sleep-over, they step in as back-up care if something goes amiss, and we do tons of family activities with the grandparents on the weekend. They are doting grandparents who are extremely close with all their grandkids. But do you know how my parents spend the rest of their time? They work out/exercise (sooo good for their health!!), they read several books a week, my mom volunteers with a religious organization and has become a volunteer docent at a museum. She's made so many new friends through those activities, who she spends time with. My dad gardens. He's looking into diving. They spend time with friends and travel. You should insist on cutting back the in-laws hours so they cultivate a life!

[Anonymous]

not if they are still involved with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not if they are still involved with their kids.

+1

Plenty of non-nanny/non-help parents who are CHECKED OUT.

[Anonymous]

No, but I'm a little jealous. I have a lot of help, but not a full time housekeeper. It would be life changing if someone could clean, organize and cook for us (we are two busy professionals with a nanny and a weekly housekeeper).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but I'm a little jealous. I have a lot of help, but not a full time housekeeper. It would be life changing if someone could clean, organize and cook for us (we are two busy professionals with a nanny and a weekly housekeeper).

I agree with that being life changing. And useful.
I judge my friend who quit her job, but has a full time nanny because she does organization and things around the house/cooking while the nanny is with the child. Seems like it should be the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but I'm a little jealous. I have a lot of help, but not a full time housekeeper. It would be life changing if someone could clean, organize and cook for us (we are two busy professionals with a nanny and a weekly housekeeper).

.

Figure out what you need and put up an ad on care.com.

It’s not as expensive as it sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

You sound like a great mom who has help but is actively engaged with kids and parenting. I don’t think anyone would judge this

+1. And if they do it’s only out of jealousy.

DP and I don't judge this set up, but I also wouldn't feel confident as a parent if I relied on that much outside help for things to run smoothly. I can be independent to a fault, but I also need to know that if shit goes down, I can handle it. That's what makes me a confident and relaxed parent (I have three kids).

-1. I can handle it (I have three too) but I know it’s not in the best interest of my children. Extra help would mean more one-on-one time with each of them and possibly a second language or other skills I don’t possess.

To each their own. I think my kids benefit from the relationships they have with each other and learning to be independent. They get one on one time, but I don't see having hours of that daily as a need or even a want, necessarily. We had three kids partially because of the different dynamics and interactions that affords, not because we wanted parallel parenting.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If they seem humble about it, and don't seem to be judging me that I don't have those things, then I don't care. But if they constantly go on and on about how wonderful it is, how they "just couldn't function any other way" and otherwise act tone deaf then yeah its annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

You sound like a great mom who has help but is actively engaged with kids and parenting. I don’t think anyone would judge this

+1. And if they do it’s only out of jealousy.

DP and I don't judge this set up, but I also wouldn't feel confident as a parent if I relied on that much outside help for things to run smoothly. I can be independent to a fault, but I also need to know that if shit goes down, I can handle it. That's what makes me a confident and relaxed parent (I have three kids).

-1. I can handle it (I have three too) but I know it’s not in the best interest of my children. Extra help would mean more one-on-one time with each of them and possibly a second language or other skills I don’t possess.

To each their own. I think my kids benefit from the relationships they have with each other and learning to be independent. They get one on one time, but I don't see having hours of that daily as a need or even a want, necessarily. We had three kids partially because of the different dynamics and interactions that affords, not because we wanted parallel parenting.

To a point. Then it’s just a drawn back. I’d love more time to spend alone with my oldest. I feel terrible about how much she is short-changed. NP here. Maybe I’m sensitive because I was the forgotten oldest. Sometimes my oldest just wants me to read her a book without her younger siblings.