Do you harshly judge mothers with a lot of outside help?

[Anonymous]

I judge two parents. One is a dad who I’m on a board with and is always scheduling meetings for impossible times that I’ve said well in advance won’t work (10 am notice for a 2 pm on a Saturday!). He is consistently startled that I have to scramble for childcare. The only mom I judge is one who is always frustrated that I’m not free to meet up. She has two nannies, cleaners, plus multiple female relatives who back her up and drive her kids to activities and provide childcare on breaks. She doesn’t understand why I’m not free on the days I’m driving my kid somewhere or have to watch her on a school conference day, and will say things like “can’t someone else take her?”. No, no they can’t, because I don’t have a someone else.

So I don’t resent or judge someone unless they have no ability to understand that their situation is not universal.

[Anonymous]

No. Not at all. I know too many wonderful mothers who have lots of outside help.

[Anonymous]

I had a high school only educated nanny, a guy who mowed the lawn, and a housekeeper 25 hours/wk when my kids were little. It wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t as expensive as it sounds.

Our housekeeper made $2k/month. Factoring in the fact that before we hired her we were spending $400/month on takeout and $400/month on biweekly cleaning, that was $1200/month. I was able to pick up a moonlighting gig (doing the work that I’m actually good at) that covered the additional cost. It made sense to me.

Now that the kids are older, they do their own cleaning. If she was a godsend when they were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a high school only educated nanny, a guy who mowed the lawn, and a housekeeper 25 hours/wk when my kids were little. It wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t as expensive as it sounds.

Our housekeeper made $2k/month. Factoring in the fact that before we hired her we were spending $400/month on takeout and $400/month on biweekly cleaning, that was $1200/month. I was able to pick up a moonlighting gig (doing the work that I’m actually good at) that covered the additional cost. It made sense to me.

Now that the kids are older, they do their own cleaning. If she was a godsend when they were little.

Your housekeeper made meals for you? That’s like my dream!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a high school only educated nanny, a guy who mowed the lawn, and a housekeeper 25 hours/wk when my kids were little. It wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t as expensive as it sounds.

Our housekeeper made $2k/month. Factoring in the fact that before we hired her we were spending $400/month on takeout and $400/month on biweekly cleaning, that was $1200/month. I was able to pick up a moonlighting gig (doing the work that I’m actually good at) that covered the additional cost. It made sense to me.

Now that the kids are older, they do their own cleaning. If she was a godsend when they were little.

Your housekeeper made meals for you? That’s like my dream!

She did! She made great pies in the summer and cookies around Christmas. And she would make stuff for meal trains whenever someone had a baby or whatever.
My daughter loved to hang out with her in the kitchen.

My husband got sick and was in the hospital and rehab for several months at one point during the years she was with us. She would get really pissed at me if I didn’t heat up the meals she made and eat them with the kids. She kind of held me together (or made me hold myself together) during that time.

[Anonymous]

Nope! I think it’s a fantastic use of resources and I think if people were less worried about being judged, we’d have less exhausted women.

The only one I judge is someone who is abusing the system that allows her to bring her nanny from a foreign posting, and she works that woman disgracefully and has said she hopes no one ever tells her what American labor laws are.

[Anonymous]

I do. I SAH and have no outside help other than a monthly housekeeper. And we could afford a nanny if we wanted one. But I actually enjoy my kids and would feel guilty if I outsourced them. But I also have a super supportive and involved husband. What would I need a full time nanny for??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. The only people I judge are those who judge other parents for simply doing the best they can with the resources they have.

This. I cannot abide such pettiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Yikes! Such a low class response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. I SAH and have no outside help other than a monthly housekeeper. And we could afford a nanny if we wanted one. But I actually enjoy my kids and would feel guilty if I outsourced them. But I also have a super supportive and involved husband. What would I need a full time nanny for??

Here’s what you aren’t understanding: you are outsourcing your kids to a nanny. A nanny brings something you can’t offer to your children (a second language, or preschool teacher skill set, or musical or artistic ability, etc) and works along side you. You get to have one-on-one time with each child and venture out to places you couldn’t do without an extra set of hands. The beach on a Tuesday for example. And a nanny would do the kids laundry, organizing, room and toy cleaning, kids errands so you have more quality time to spend with your children.

I have a friend who is SAH with a nanny are she is a truly wonderful involved mom. And her kids now speak fluent French (which neither she nor her husband speak). Her nanny also stayed with her oldest while she was delivering the second and her older never had any jealousy issues since he still had his nanny’s attention in the beginning. His world wasn’t thrown into chaos.

There are lots of benefits, PP. If I could afford a nanny as a SAHM I would do it for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. I SAH and have no outside help other than a monthly housekeeper. And we could afford a nanny if we wanted one. But I actually enjoy my kids and would feel guilty if I outsourced them. But I also have a super supportive and involved husband. What would I need a full time nanny for??

Here’s what you aren’t understanding: you are outsourcing your kids to a nanny. A nanny brings something you can’t offer to your children (a second language, or preschool teacher skill set, or musical or artistic ability, etc) and works along side you. You get to have one-on-one time with each child and venture out to places you couldn’t do without an extra set of hands. The beach on a Tuesday for example. And a nanny would do the kids laundry, organizing, room and toy cleaning, kids errands so you have more quality time to spend with your children.

I have a friend who is SAH with a nanny are she is a truly wonderful involved mom. And her kids now speak fluent French (which neither she nor her husband speak). Her nanny also stayed with her oldest while she was delivering the second and her older never had any jealousy issues since he still had his nanny’s attention in the beginning. His world wasn’t thrown into chaos.

There are lots of benefits, PP. If I could afford a nanny as a SAHM I would do it for my kids.

** you aren’t outsourcing your kids to a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, because as a single parent, when i hear them complain about how “hard or tired” they are it’s annoying.

you have full time help and a spouse, please stop complaining and be thankful for what you have.

so, i don’t envy them, i’m happy they don’t have the same problems that i have.

however, i do judge their survival instincts because they complain about stuff i deal with daily and alone.

Do you take any tresponsibility for being a single parent? Unless you are a widow, this is a situation of your own making. And yes, married, rich, SAHMs are allowed to feel tired and exhausted.

Remember, none of us are going through our lives chanting “we are not Ukrainians and so we have no reason to complain”, are we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re a mother with a lot of outside help, you aren’t allowed to complain. Ever.

What if you or your spouse or your kid have cancer...are you allowed to complain then?

Only if you are living in a hut with no running water and have no arms and legs!

[Anonymous]

I do judge. I imagine what it’s like to grow up as a kid with a nanny attending to my every need and a housekeeper cleaning up after every mess and a cook preparing exactly what I want… and I think that would make for an irresponsible and entitled adult.