Do you harshly judge mothers with a lot of outside help?

[Anonymous]

I do not judge one tiny iota anyone, in any situation, who hires any level of paid help.

I have to admit that I judge a teensy bit people who use their parents or in-laws as a full-time unpaid nanny. I don't mean as an occasional babysitter, or part-time help during some afternoons or days of the week; I mean like 40- or 50 hour a week kind of set-up. I just don't understand how one could be comfortable having their parents spending this time in their lives that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge those with help, but I do get annoyed when mothers with lots of outside help give advice, recommendations, or pass judgment on those of us who don't.

Exactly! I was livid when a mom from a family where a grandma watches the kids full time told me that she could never leave her kids with a stranger.

I told her that I could never make my mom an unpaid slave and force her to forgo earning social security. The stunned look was priceless to watch.

Sorry you feel judged, but I actually agree with this sentiment. My mother (who took early retirement well before I had children) stayed with us during our first 6 months of nanny care until the nanny became like family and I trusted her completely. I would not have wanted to leave DB alone with a stranger. Daycare even worse option.

Wow. Just wow.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge one tiny iota anyone, in any situation, who hires any level of paid help.

I have to admit that I judge a teensy bit people who use their parents or in-laws as a full-time unpaid nanny. I don't mean as an occasional babysitter, or part-time help during some afternoons or days of the week; I mean like 40- or 50 hour a week kind of set-up. I just don't understand how one could be comfortable having their parents spending this time in their lives that way.

Same.

I didn’t in the past, but in several cases, the grandparents are EXHAUSTED with doing full-time care, especially if they are older and/or have health issues, but feel obligated to continue. I’ve heard this directly from the grandparents or from my mother, who hears it from her friends who are in this situation.

I admit, I am a little jealous of people who have regular family help, like a grandparent overnight once a month or a date night once a week/every two weeks, but it was my choice to move away from my parents.

[Anonymous]

13:40 here

And to be egalitarian, I judge both the mothers and fathers in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge one tiny iota anyone, in any situation, who hires any level of paid help.

I have to admit that I judge a teensy bit people who use their parents or in-laws as a full-time unpaid nanny. I don't mean as an occasional babysitter, or part-time help during some afternoons or days of the week; I mean like 40- or 50 hour a week kind of set-up. I just don't understand how one could be comfortable having their parents spending this time in their lives that way.

Same.

I didn’t in the past, but in several cases, the grandparents are EXHAUSTED with doing full-time care, especially if they are older and/or have health issues, but feel obligated to continue. I’ve heard this directly from the grandparents or from my mother, who hears it from her friends who are in this situation.

I admit, I am a little jealous of people who have regular family help, like a grandparent overnight once a month or a date night once a week/every two weeks, but it was my choice to move away from my parents.

Sometimes the grandparents are really into helping. I know a few around my neighborhood who delight in taking care of the grandkids. My own mom helps me out very very part time (one afternoon a week this last school year, will increase to 3 afternoons next year but with less hours in the afternoon because school will be longer) and she is always telling me how much she loves it and how special the time is. I have had many discussions with her to tell me if it ever got to be too much.

[Anonymous]

It depends. I have a relative that lives in another country. She has at least one live in housekeeper (that also cook) and nanny lives there too. She has one elementary kid and doesn’t work. She also takes the nanny with her when she travels for leisure and the nanny will cook the kid meals and everything when they stay over. Seems lazy to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge one tiny iota anyone, in any situation, who hires any level of paid help.

I have to admit that I judge a teensy bit people who use their parents or in-laws as a full-time unpaid nanny. I don't mean as an occasional babysitter, or part-time help during some afternoons or days of the week; I mean like 40- or 50 hour a week kind of set-up. I just don't understand how one could be comfortable having their parents spending this time in their lives that way.

Same.

I didn’t in the past, but in several cases, the grandparents are EXHAUSTED with doing full-time care, especially if they are older and/or have health issues, but feel obligated to continue. I’ve heard this directly from the grandparents or from my mother, who hears it from her friends who are in this situation.

I admit, I am a little jealous of people who have regular family help, like a grandparent overnight once a month or a date night once a week/every two weeks, but it was my choice to move away from my parents.

Sometimes the grandparents are really into helping. I know a few around my neighborhood who delight in taking care of the grandkids. My own mom helps me out very very part time (one afternoon a week this last school year, will increase to 3 afternoons next year but with less hours in the afternoon because school will be longer) and she is always telling me how much she loves it and how special the time is. I have had many discussions with her to tell me if it ever got to be too much.

This. Our friends' use one set of grandparents as childcare. They pay them a salary, and the grandparents wanted to do it. When they tried to put their youngest in daycare, the grandparents were upset and insisted on continuing to watch him. Childcare isn't that bad when there are two sets of hands to wrangle them.

[Anonymous]

I admit that I somewhat do. It's not something i ruminate about or ever give thought to in a normal day to but if you would tell me "i don't work and I have full time help" I will be both confused about what you do all day and think you're sort of lame. I am by no means supermom or super wife but I never found having young kids to be that challenging. Mine are twins and third that is 3 years younger and they''re now in middle school and high school. I always did things around the house when the kids napped or got an occasional sitter (maybe once every other week?) to go to lunch without kids. I took them with me when I ran errands. Then when the kids turned 2.5 or so they started preschool several days a week which gave me more time. My husband worked long hours so he wasn't present. When my youngest was 4 I went back to work full time because I missed my career.

I think some people are just more cut out for having young kids. I really enjoyed this phase of life. I'd honestly have a perpetual toddler preschooler around if I could (like a dog!--which I have two of as well). Now my teenagers are kicking my a$$. I find this phase of parenting quite a bit more difficult.

[Anonymous]

No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge one tiny iota anyone, in any situation, who hires any level of paid help.

I have to admit that I judge a teensy bit people who use their parents or in-laws as a full-time unpaid nanny. I don't mean as an occasional babysitter, or part-time help during some afternoons or days of the week; I mean like 40- or 50 hour a week kind of set-up. I just don't understand how one could be comfortable having their parents spending this time in their lives that way.

It’s 100% what my in-laws want. Any time I even plan a long trip without them seeing the kids they get upset. And they often text me asking me to bring the kids by on the weekend because they miss them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

You sound like a great mom who has help but is actively engaged with kids and parenting. I don’t think anyone would judge this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

You sound like a great mom who has help but is actively engaged with kids and parenting. I don’t think anyone would judge this

+1. And if they do it’s only out of jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I admit that I somewhat do. It's not something i ruminate about or ever give thought to in a normal day to but if you would tell me "i don't work and I have full time help" I will be both confused about what you do all day and think you're sort of lame. I am by no means supermom or super wife but I never found having young kids to be that challenging. Mine are twins and third that is 3 years younger and they''re now in middle school and high school. I always did things around the house when the kids napped or got an occasional sitter (maybe once every other week?) to go to lunch without kids. I took them with me when I ran errands. Then when the kids turned 2.5 or so they started preschool several days a week which gave me more time. My husband worked long hours so he wasn't present. When my youngest was 4 I went back to work full time because I missed my career.

I think some people are just more cut out for having young kids. I really enjoyed this phase of life. I'd honestly have a perpetual toddler preschooler around if I could (like a dog!--which I have two of as well). Now my teenagers are kicking my a$$. I find this phase of parenting quite a bit more difficult.

This is me too. I love the infant, toddler, and preschool years. I also have twins plus one, but my singleton is the oldest.
I was much more worn down after they started real school, especially after third grade, with the stream of school days off, school events, special days, homework, etc. And I've become a little more worn down with each passing year and they are now challenging every ounce of my being as teenagers. I sometimes wonder if I was such a good young kid that I peaked too soon and don't have enough good mom energy left to see them through to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like an educated nanny and a full-time housekeeper?

I don’t! I think I would be a better mom if I had more support.

No. Its none of my business. Only they know the chapters of their circumstances and resources, i'm only privy to the cover so I'm not qualified for judging their book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. With my first child I had a full time housekeeper and personal chef (made five meals for DH and me once a week and we just reheated them). I spent every moment with my child. For the second baby, I hired a full time nanny to help me out and we worked together. It was really helpful to take my older child to preschool and pick him up without the second baby in tow so we could talk. Nanny is great! She’s taught the kids Spanish and my older child how to read at 4 (she was a teacher). I’m not pregnant with #3 and feel confident and relaxed.

Again, I am still with one or both kids all day. I majored in music and have the time and energy to teach them both. I know how lucky I am. I don’t mind being judged.

You sound like a great mom who has help but is actively engaged with kids and parenting. I don’t think anyone would judge this

+1. And if they do it’s only out of jealousy.

DP and I don't judge this set up, but I also wouldn't feel confident as a parent if I relied on that much outside help for things to run smoothly. I can be independent to a fault, but I also need to know that if shit goes down, I can handle it. That's what makes me a confident and relaxed parent (I have three kids).