Did you feel better after going no-contact with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off close to three years ago. No regrets. It is because, as another poster said, underneath her cheerful, helpful persona is a chilling darkness and rage that comes out whenever anyone extends an olive branch to her to be close. The death of my father was the final turning point. In the last five minutes of his life, as I held his hand and he was taking his final breaths, she flew into a rage at me because I was looking at him instead of I wasn't hanging on her every word where she taked about how ready she was for him to die. As he took his final breath, she vapidly yelled out to him, "Yep, we'll be together again someday, ok, bye!!!!" My father's death and funeral felt like a scene from a David Lynch movie, only it was real. She showed up, dressed like she was leaving for a cruise and then proceeded to dance next to my father's casket while smirking and staring off into la la land. She then gave a disgusting eulogy where she cut into his character and then lectured his silbings for not being better people.."all in good fun", you know. My father was dead, quite literally, for less than two minutes and she was off in another room with a friend yukking it up over how skinny and fit she was when she met him and all the fabulous trips he took her on. I locked myself in the bathroom and wanted to puke.

Over the course of the first month I kept noticing the interior of my body relaxing its grip...it's as though my body was telling me "thank you, you finally listened...you can let your guard down now, you are safe and free now." Little by little, the world began to look brighter and not every person I encountered seemed intimidating anymore...in fact, most people seemed warm. Since I felt safer in my body, I was able to be more present...and able to discuss conflicts with people calmly without shutting down.

I finally listened to my body/my instincts...cut her off...and when I did...whoosh, energy and happiness began to flow through my system like water and sunlight....

i was a compulsive overeater who binged for years and years to deal with the pain and trauma of my mom's abuse. when i cut her and my sister off at last, i lost 80 lbs within two years. no diets, no grief, no exercise issues ... it just came off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can also move to very low contact and learn the grey rock method. Tons of articles and books about this. They both helped me a lot over the years. Still, sad to say, the day my mother dies I will let out a huge sigh of relief. 50 years of dealing with a narcissistic, depressed, control freak has been hard. The day I moved away from her was the best day of my life. And the guilt tripping is unreal. I hope he does what he needs to protect himself. Adults don't OWE their parents anything, even though most boomers will insist loudly that they do. Nope. Good luck. I know it's hard. I would support him in any way you can. People who were raised by loving, mentally healthy parents have no idea the damage that comes from growing up in a dysfunctional household.

Boomer here. I came from a dysfunctional family. It was hell growing up and hell when our crazy parents got old and sick. Caring for mentally and physically sick old people almost broke me. They are passed and in hindsight I wish I had cut ties earlier in life. I felt obligated to fix them, care for them but I shouldn't have. I would have been better off to cut ties with them in my 20's instead of being dragged down for decades. Cut ties and luve a healthy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely low contact with my mom. It hurts and doesn't feel great. But it's more that I'm mourning the loss of something I never had and that she can't provide. Having very limited interaction with her saves me a lot of frustration/angst/heartache though.

Exact same situation with me. In some ways extremely low contact is more difficult than no-contact because there is still interaction and during those interactions I have to deal with my mother’s behavior. The times before and after those contact points leave me emotionally and physically exhausted, but they are worth not having the same symptoms daily.

My warning to others is that you *will* feel better but it is not magic. You are trading one set of problems for another- the trick is to make sure the new problems are less emotionally difficult. For example, I have to explain to others that my mom isn’t dead, she just isn’t involved in our lives. On the rare occasions she cannot be avoided, I run interference to apologize for her rude or bad behavior in advance and to protect my children from her. There is a lot of isolation because except for the absolute closest friends (and sometimes not even those), explaining abuse and estrangement to those who haven’t experienced it results in a lot of incredulity, disbelief, and guilt.

I am sad but I am not hurt, abused, angry, frightened or threatened. So it’s a comfortable and safe kind of sad.

PP you quoted... I love how you summed this up. But it took me forever to come to terms with the sadness. And a lot of therapy.

It is really hard to explain to people when it comes up about if we are close or not. Most people just can't wrap their heads around it. It's hard too because my ILs are great and great with my DC and they come to everything ... people at DC's activities will just assume they are my parents and ask "are your parents not local?" No, they are... live 10 minutes away and can't be bothered. But stuff like this has weirdly made it easier to just go extremely low contact.

[Anonymous]

I've posted before, but relate to so much. Right now I am low contact, but was happier mostly when no contact. I don't feel the need to tell people other than to say "we aren't close" or "we are very different" if people ask. It took many many years trying many many strategies and getting lots of therapy. I found once I went no contact and then accepted very low when she reached out, I didn't need therapy because there wasn't all this negative noise in my life. There is absolutely no benefit to me having my mother in my life. She has endless expectations of what i should be doing for her. She had no empathy when my husband had a near death experience and was hospitalized and took a long time to recover. It was al me, me me!!!

I will say holidays are hard in that everyone talks about big family gatherings. I have so many trauma memories of holiday meltdowns that even if we see friends I feel like holidays just trigger me and make me sad. If I could stand holiday travel I'd try to escape with my family.

The only person who truly loved me in my family was my dad and he is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before, but relate to so much. Right now I am low contact, but was happier mostly when no contact. I don't feel the need to tell people other than to say "we aren't close" or "we are very different" if people ask. It took many many years trying many many strategies and getting lots of therapy. I found once I went no contact and then accepted very low when she reached out, I didn't need therapy because there wasn't all this negative noise in my life. There is absolutely no benefit to me having my mother in my life. She has endless expectations of what i should be doing for her. She had no empathy when my husband had a near death experience and was hospitalized and took a long time to recover. It was al me, me me!!!

I will say holidays are hard in that everyone talks about big family gatherings. I have so many trauma memories of holiday meltdowns that even if we see friends I feel like holidays just trigger me and make me sad. If I could stand holiday travel I'd try to escape with my family.

The only person who truly loved me in my family was my dad and he is gone.

I forgot to mention it also makes my heart hurt when I see how lovely my friends' parents are and when those parents are kind to me. I feel like I don't deserve the kindness and the little girl in me just wants to hide and cry. I lost it when my daughter asked why she couldn't have a grandmother like that. (DH's mom is a peace of work too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all need better therapists.

Wow, so helpful. Must be easy to live in a glass house... oh wait.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if anyone else experienced this. My best friend from childhood and I had moms who put on a show for outsiders, we frequently heard how about wonderful our mothers were. We both at different ages after trying everything went no contact, In both cases eventually without us to abuse, our moms showed their dark side to others. At her mom’s funeral she thought people would berate her for being estranged. Instead she heart countless stories of her moms selfish and entitled behavior from others in her CCRC. People came to the funeral to socialize and because they were curious to meet estranged daughter. She even had strangers speculate how hard it must have been growing up with that mother.

My mom has since lashed out at others now that she doesn’t have me to verbally beat up. I think some people have a disturbing darkness inside of them. So many of us spend time in therapy trying to make things work with these tyrants and we blame ourselves and try to adapt and accommodate. When you finally had enough you get to breathe and they just find another victim. It’s not about you. It’s about people refusing to face and treat their demons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if anyone else experienced this. My best friend from childhood and I had moms who put on a show for outsiders, we frequently heard how about wonderful our mothers were. We both at different ages after trying everything went no contact, In both cases eventually without us to abuse, our moms showed their dark side to others. At her mom’s funeral she thought people would berate her for being estranged. Instead she heart countless stories of her moms selfish and entitled behavior from others in her CCRC. People came to the funeral to socialize and because they were curious to meet estranged daughter. She even had strangers speculate how hard it must have been growing up with that mother.

My mom has since lashed out at others now that she doesn’t have me to verbally beat up. I think some people have a disturbing darkness inside of them. So many of us spend time in therapy trying to make things work with these tyrants and we blame ourselves and try to adapt and accommodate. When you finally had enough you get to breathe and they just find another victim. It’s not about you. It’s about people refusing to face and treat their demons.

This is really disturbing on so many levels. People came to a funeral to trash the deceased, and out of curiosity to see an estranged child? What kind of people are these? Sounds like they are all well matched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need better therapists.

Wow, so helpful. Must be easy to live in a glass house... oh wait.

I don't live in a glass house. Unfortunately I am intimately aware of the subject. I think it's wrong to have threads like these dominated by posters who insist estrangement is the only way. There are other ways to handle toxic relationships besides estrangement. It is possible. It is preferable. OP and anyone else contemplating the issue deserves to hear all sides. And no, that does not mean anyone who does not choose estrangement had it easier than those who did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need better therapists.

Wow, so helpful. Must be easy to live in a glass house... oh wait.

I don't live in a glass house. Unfortunately I am intimately aware of the subject. I think it's wrong to have threads like these dominated by posters who insist estrangement is the only way. There are other ways to handle toxic relationships besides estrangement. It is possible. It is preferable. OP and anyone else contemplating the issue deserves to hear all sides. And no, that does not mean anyone who does not choose estrangement had it easier than those who did.

I don't think I have seen any posts where people jumped to estrangement. It sounds like it took most posters many years to get there and many tried therapy and all sorts of strategies. It sounds like they tried the "other ways to handle toxic relationships." Why do you think people should stay in toxic relationships after trying for so many years to have some form of relationship? This sounds like a very sensitive topic for you. You have no way of knowing how hard people had it who chose estrangement. You are welcome to share your side and your experience, but you seem to be making broad statements. You imply if we chose estrangement in the end we "need better therapists." and you posted the choice would be regretted. Maybe stick to your own experience. Perhaps you chose it and regretted it or you chose to stay and feel relieved. We are simply sharing our experiences, not broad generalizations.