Did you feel better after going no-contact with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Year ago, I cut off my mother for 6 months, after a crisis where her nagging and insults just reached an unacceptable peak. It did not feel good! I did not want to do it, I was compelled to, for self-protection.

My husband persuaded me to renew contact after 6 months, and she has indeed learned her lesson. She is much less critical of us now. We will never trust her again, and I keep most conversations superficial without going into the details of my life, so that she isn't even tempted to intervene and criticize my every move. But at least we have a positive relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short answer, yes. My mother is an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. I went no contact age 22, and I am 34 now. It was still very sad and painful for years. You never get over the grief of not having the parent you wanted, needed, deserved. But I realized I was going to have that pain no matter what, so not having the additional weekly or monthly fresh trauma of more abuse was helpful. Every encounter brought more abuse I had to work through, so by capping it I was eventually able to sort of emotionally work through it all over a number of years, and I would never have been able to do that had I been adding fresh trauma to the pile. I’m sorry for your husband. It’s a very hard road.

This is how I feel, except that I did it much, much later, in my 40s (so good for you PP for figuring it out at 22!) In retrospect, the estrangement came in several phases, as I took small steps to get away from her without really planning it. I started from a point of total enmeshment.

Phase 1: In teens, I stopped giving her information about myself, because she would use any information against me. She didn't even notice, because she only wanted me as her audience. Through my 20s, I also increasingly started saying "no" to her demands. Phase 2: By my 30s, I had mostly stopped feeling guilty/obligated and cut down communications/visits to the barest minimum. I would see her 1-2 times in a year and call almost never. This was helped by us living several states away from each other. Even still, every visit or interaction set me back. Phase 3: In my 40s, I finally went to therapy. This came after a visit after which I was depressed and nonfunctional for a week. Cutting my mom off completely had been something I couldn't imagine doing, but then suddenly it felt like the only way. For me, it was the only way.

I know some people get by with "grey rock" and boundaries, but that didn't work for me -- that is basically what I was doing through my "Phase 2," but I was still getting hurt by her. A couple realizations that were horrible to countenance, but overall helped: 1) There was no relationship other than an abusive relationship, so there was nothing to lose and, most importantly 2) She doesn't love me (she is incapable of love). So why honor a non-relationship with someone who doesn't love you and only hurts you? A lifetime of drama over a person who continually made my head spin, degraded and betrayed me, and even put my life at risk.

So do I feel better? I would say yes! I recently visited my other family members without her involvement and it was so nice and drama-free. But I think it's going to take many more years and more therapy sessions for me to get her out of my head -- right now, I am sitting here writing about her, but I'm considering it therapeutic to do so. It's like I replaced "actively abusive mom, in my life" with "ruminations about abusive mom, no longer in my life." The latter is better, but not perfect. I'd like to get to whatever the next phase is, probably "finished ruminating about abusive mom, at peace."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short answer, yes. My mother is an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. I went no contact age 22, and I am 34 now. It was still very sad and painful for years. You never get over the grief of not having the parent you wanted, needed, deserved. But I realized I was going to have that pain no matter what, so not having the additional weekly or monthly fresh trauma of more abuse was helpful. Every encounter brought more abuse I had to work through, so by capping it I was eventually able to sort of emotionally work through it all over a number of years, and I would never have been able to do that had I been adding fresh trauma to the pile. I’m sorry for your husband. It’s a very hard road.

This is how I feel, except that I did it much, much later, in my 40s (so good for you PP for figuring it out at 22!) In retrospect, the estrangement came in several phases, as I took small steps to get away from her without really planning it. I started from a point of total enmeshment.

Phase 1: In teens, I stopped giving her information about myself, because she would use any information against me. She didn't even notice, because she only wanted me as her audience. Through my 20s, I also increasingly started saying "no" to her demands. Phase 2: By my 30s, I had mostly stopped feeling guilty/obligated and cut down communications/visits to the barest minimum. I would see her 1-2 times in a year and call almost never. This was helped by us living several states away from each other. Even still, every visit or interaction set me back. Phase 3: In my 40s, I finally went to therapy. This came after a visit after which I was depressed and nonfunctional for a week. Cutting my mom off completely had been something I couldn't imagine doing, but then suddenly it felt like the only way. For me, it was the only way.

I know some people get by with "grey rock" and boundaries, but that didn't work for me -- that is basically what I was doing through my "Phase 2," but I was still getting hurt by her. A couple realizations that were horrible to countenance, but overall helped: 1) There was no relationship other than an abusive relationship, so there was nothing to lose and, most importantly 2) She doesn't love me (she is incapable of love). So why honor a non-relationship with someone who doesn't love you and only hurts you? A lifetime of drama over a person who continually made my head spin, degraded and betrayed me, and even put my life at risk.

So do I feel better? I would say yes! I recently visited my other family members without her involvement and it was so nice and drama-free. But I think it's going to take many more years and more therapy sessions for me to get her out of my head -- right now, I am sitting here writing about her, but I'm considering it therapeutic to do so. It's like I replaced "actively abusive mom, in my life" with "ruminations about abusive mom, no longer in my life." The latter is better, but not perfect. I'd like to get to whatever the next phase is, probably "finished ruminating about abusive mom, at peace."

I relate to a lot of this. Things are definitely drama free without her in my life. I still ruminate, but it's not the same as the sting of dealing with the verbal assaults so often. With distance I see how mentally ill she is paired with declining. I am still damaged, but healthier. It's the different between huge breaks and cracks that have been glued together. I don't live in fear of the next outburst, though I do dread if she reaches out ever again and I dread the call that she is in the hospital or something.

[Anonymous]

The previous two posts especially resonate with me.

I’m at a point now that I seldom see her and do my best never to be alone with her. After her latest screaming session, I was in bed with stress for days. My spouse said I was not myself. I was depressed to the point of not functioning. My heart raced for 3-4 days in a row, and I worried I’d have a heart attack.

My sibling is the same as my mother so dealing with the two of them takes too much from me.

My therapist suggested ideas that seemed undoable, like not spending holidays with family and seeing family members I want to see at other times.

Since distancing myself, I am so happy. I laugh more. I’m accomplishing my goals and enjoying my friends and non-crazy family. I didn’t know life could be this good or that I am probably not depressed but abused and recovering from it.

After the sibling’s latest screaming session, I decided I am done. I won’t be going back to how it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The previous two posts especially resonate with me.

I’m at a point now that I seldom see her and do my best never to be alone with her. After her latest screaming session, I was in bed with stress for days. My spouse said I was not myself. I was depressed to the point of not functioning. My heart raced for 3-4 days in a row, and I worried I’d have a heart attack.

My sibling is the same as my mother so dealing with the two of them takes too much from me.

My therapist suggested ideas that seemed undoable, like not spending holidays with family and seeing family members I want to see at other times.

Since distancing myself, I am so happy. I laugh more. I’m accomplishing my goals and enjoying my friends and non-crazy family. I didn’t know life could be this good or that I am probably not depressed but abused and recovering from it.

After the sibling’s latest screaming session, I decided I am done. I won’t be going back to how it was.

I read this and wonder if there is another me out there posting. I was the same way dealing with mom's screaming fits. I would actually put a pulse oximeter on my finger and it was scary to see the level my my heart racing got to. My sister and my mother have a scary enmeshment. Yes, I am much happier now that we are on a break. I still feel traumatized by the tantrums and manipulations, but it's nothing like actively dealing with them and waiting for the next outburst.

[Anonymous]

I’m bawling my eyes out reading these posts. So much of what the PPs have said resonate with me it’s scary. I’m 45 and have now cut off my mom due to her uncontrollable rage and controlling behavior that blew up this summer. She and my narcissistic sister are completely enmeshed and I am being blamed for literally everything that’s ever happened between us. It breaks my heart but at this point I don’t have any other choice and I also have to protect my kids.
Hugs to all you PPs.

[Anonymous]

If he tried all sorts of different things to keep things harmonious and it didn't work, another option is to make it her choice. "Mom if you chose to keep insulting me/guilt tripping me/manipulating then I am going to need to take a break from this relationship." or "If the only thing you have to say is hurtful, then do not reach out to me."

My mother chose to keep being hurtful after I drew the line in the sand. The break was healing for me. The first few weeks I was panicked she would unleash her fury in certified letters or some other way to force herself upon me. Once I knew she was leaving me alone, I slept better and could accomplish more at work without all that emotional clutter. I was more available and supportive with my husband and kids. She eventually reached out maybe 6 months later and we have a very low contact relationship like with a distant relative. Much better. She treats people who are practically strangers with far more dignity than she treats those she gets close to. There has been no abuse since. As soon as her dark side appears I will take another break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m bawling my eyes out reading these posts. So much of what the PPs have said resonate with me it’s scary. I’m 45 and have now cut off my mom due to her uncontrollable rage and controlling behavior that blew up this summer. She and my narcissistic sister are completely enmeshed and I am being blamed for literally everything that’s ever happened between us. It breaks my heart but at this point I don’t have any other choice and I also have to protect my kids.
Hugs to all you PPs.

I had to look at the date of this post. I could have written this post a while back, but I see it was written today. We have the same family. I wish we could meet for coffee! Protecting my kids was what finally gave me the strength to refuse to tolerate it anymore.

[Anonymous]

I am extremely low contact with my mother by my choice. A couple of emails a year, maybe see her once or twice. I rarely go to family get-togethers. Giving myself permission to do that was liberating. It feels weird at first, but when the reality of not dealing with this person/no stress/no anxiety sets in, its wonderful.

There are lots of choices if a complete and permanent no-contact seems too much at first. Take a complete break for several months and then reevaluate, go very low contact and define what that means, or something else.

Ultimately, I feel a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut both of my parents off 10 years ago and i don't regret it at all, I would say go for it.

This is such an inappropriate response.

[Anonymous]

He will be trading one kind of pain and suffering and anxiety with another. Don't kid yourself it will be "great" and "go for it."

A good approach would be to find a therapist who can help him understand why she is the way she is, and to feel sympathy for her. It's a much better way to live then estrangement.

[Anonymous]

My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing. I spoke with my mother 3 times between 1989 and her death in 2021, the last time in 2010. (My father died in 1995). I did not attend her services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will be trading one kind of pain and suffering and anxiety with another. Don't kid yourself it will be "great" and "go for it."

A good approach would be to find a therapist who can help him understand why she is the way she is, and to feel sympathy for her. It's a much better way to live then estrangement.

I don't think you get it. You see to have all or nothing thinking. The husband has tried many strategies and seen a therapist. It's a gradual process with years of trying to make things work. I know for me at least after all those years of misery and torment, it truly was like being able to breathe. I felt like I was being emotionally strangled. For once I no longer needed therapy because there was no more abuse to process. I am still amazed at how long I tried strategies and I really think empathizing with the abuser was my downfall and it kept me trying for too long. There is a disturbing darkness in my mother's soul and it only comes out with people who get too close. If you met her, you would never suspect this lurked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut both of my parents off 10 years ago and i don't regret it at all, I would say go for it.

This is such an inappropriate response.

Not in my universe.

Not all mothers should be mothers.

Mine should not have ever had children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing. I spoke with my mother 3 times between 1989 and her death in 2021, the last time in 2010. (My father died in 1995). I did not attend her services.

Sending hugs. I am sorry that happened to you.

And yes you absolutely did the right thing.