Did you feel better after going no-contact with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will be trading one kind of pain and suffering and anxiety with another. Don't kid yourself it will be "great" and "go for it."

A good approach would be to find a therapist who can help him understand why she is the way she is, and to feel sympathy for her. It's a much better way to live then estrangement.

I disagree.

There is no rule book that we all have to follow that says we must keep horrific parents in our lives.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

OP

I cut my mother off 5 years ago I am 61. I should have done this the day I left home at 17 and headed to college. My bad. 100% I do not regret cutting her off. I can finally breathe, my anger at her is gone. I do not think about her ever. It's fantastic.

My mother is a liar and a criminal. My brother is exactly like her. I cut him off about 20 years ago. He destroyed his wife and child. I will never forgive him or my mother for still supporting his crap.

I have two sisters as well. We still talk.

[Anonymous]

I went no contact with my mother and father at age 30; my only regret is that I didn’t do it at age 17 when I moved out. If I’d done it then it would have saved me profound grief from the life they bullied me into when I was young and still hoped they’d someday show me love if only I did enough to earn it. Ha!

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH went through this about 5 years ago after a lifetime of abuse. Similar to others who posted, it was the fact that his parents were starting to impact our kids that finally drove him to go no contact. It was the only way for us, but the healing process was hard. A lot of suppressed memories came to the surface and things got harder before they were easier. He will need a lot of support. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Better but not necessarily described as happier per say. There's still a sadness and mourning about that in lieu of her stepping up to have an adult relationship with me, she'd rather not talk to me at all. She's choosing to act like I don't exist while still reaching around me to speak to my older children. She still speaks to my sister almost daily who has no problem with mom treating me badly which is hurtful too. I am "happier" to not deal with her drama for sure though. I am saving money to talk through this with a therapist once she dies and I have all these unresolved emotions about it.

[Anonymous]

I cut mine off close to three years ago. No regrets. It is because, as another poster said, underneath her cheerful, helpful persona is a chilling darkness and rage that comes out whenever anyone extends an olive branch to her to be close. The death of my father was the final turning point. In the last five minutes of his life, as I held his hand and he was taking his final breaths, she flew into a rage at me because I was looking at him instead of I wasn't hanging on her every word where she taked about how ready she was for him to die. As he took his final breath, she vapidly yelled out to him, "Yep, we'll be together again someday, ok, bye!!!!" My father's death and funeral felt like a scene from a David Lynch movie, only it was real. She showed up, dressed like she was leaving for a cruise and then proceeded to dance next to my father's casket while smirking and staring off into la la land. She then gave a disgusting eulogy where she cut into his character and then lectured his silbings for not being better people.."all in good fun", you know. My father was dead, quite literally, for less than two minutes and she was off in another room with a friend yukking it up over how skinny and fit she was when she met him and all the fabulous trips he took her on. I locked myself in the bathroom and wanted to puke.

Over the course of the first month I kept noticing the interior of my body relaxing its grip...it's as though my body was telling me "thank you, you finally listened...you can let your guard down now, you are safe and free now." Little by little, the world began to look brighter and not every person I encountered seemed intimidating anymore...in fact, most people seemed warm. Since I felt safer in my body, I was able to be more present...and able to discuss conflicts with people calmly without shutting down.

I finally listened to my body/my instincts...cut her off...and when I did...whoosh, energy and happiness began to flow through my system like water and sunlight....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off close to three years ago. No regrets. It is because, as another poster said, underneath her cheerful, helpful persona is a chilling darkness and rage that comes out whenever anyone extends an olive branch to her to be close. The death of my father was the final turning point. In the last five minutes of his life, as I held his hand and he was taking his final breaths, she flew into a rage at me because I was looking at him instead of I wasn't hanging on her every word where she taked about how ready she was for him to die. As he took his final breath, she vapidly yelled out to him, "Yep, we'll be together again someday, ok, bye!!!!" My father's death and funeral felt like a scene from a David Lynch movie, only it was real. She showed up, dressed like she was leaving for a cruise and then proceeded to dance next to my father's casket while smirking and staring off into la la land. She then gave a disgusting eulogy where she cut into his character and then lectured his silbings for not being better people.."all in good fun", you know. My father was dead, quite literally, for less than two minutes and she was off in another room with a friend yukking it up over how skinny and fit she was when she met him and all the fabulous trips he took her on. I locked myself in the bathroom and wanted to puke.

Over the course of the first month I kept noticing the interior of my body relaxing its grip...it's as though my body was telling me "thank you, you finally listened...you can let your guard down now, you are safe and free now." Little by little, the world began to look brighter and not every person I encountered seemed intimidating anymore...in fact, most people seemed warm. Since I felt safer in my body, I was able to be more present...and able to discuss conflicts with people calmly without shutting down.

I finally listened to my body/my instincts...cut her off...and when I did...whoosh, energy and happiness began to flow through my system like water and sunlight....

I can relate to so much of this. My mother also has a chilling darkness and rage lurking under the charming persona. There are differences. My breaking points were many including how abusive she was toward dad and toward me (for trying to protect him) as he declined. After he died it was all about her grief and her expecting everyone to grieve the same way and cater to her. After enough outbursts in front of my kids and many life stressors hitting us I could not take another outburst from her. I left the door open and it took her many months to reach out. The first few weeks I feared her wrath and retaliation, but then I could actually breathe. Joy came back into my life and I could sleep better not waiting for the next storm from her. As I let her back into my life the anxiety and sleep issues returned. I have major boundaries and in some ways am relieved to be low contact not "no contact" but I do think health-wise I was better off no contact. I dread having to lay down the law again. I dread her next outburst. She is more careful-no more manipulations, fear, guilt and obligation so far, but it's coming. It's how she's wired. Tantrums are coming. But yes, when I had a break and made it HER choice by simply putting the ball in her court...you must be kind to be in my life...and she chose NOT to be in my life for a while...it was healing. The sunlight came through. Joy flowed all as the PP described. I really would prefer she not be in my life, but I prefer it to be her choice so I don't feel any guilt releasing her.

[Anonymous]

In answer to your subject line: Yes

I went no contact 15 years ago, never looked back, didn't feel guilty and in fact, was so happy I was protecting my DC (who I was pregnant with at the time of no contact). No way in hell I was letting my mother around my child. My dad is dead and I hadn't talked to him in many years. Basically, everything I know about parenting is because I parent the exact opposite of how I was "parented".

[Anonymous]

You all need better therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will be trading one kind of pain and suffering and anxiety with another. Don't kid yourself it will be "great" and "go for it."

A good approach would be to find a therapist who can help him understand why she is the way she is, and to feel sympathy for her. It's a much better way to live then estrangement.

You are impressively wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm extremely low contact with my mom. It hurts and doesn't feel great. But it's more that I'm mourning the loss of something I never had and that she can't provide. Having very limited interaction with her saves me a lot of frustration/angst/heartache though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely low contact with my mom. It hurts and doesn't feel great. But it's more that I'm mourning the loss of something I never had and that she can't provide. Having very limited interaction with her saves me a lot of frustration/angst/heartache though.

Exact same situation with me. In some ways extremely low contact is more difficult than no-contact because there is still interaction and during those interactions I have to deal with my mother’s behavior. The times before and after those contact points leave me emotionally and physically exhausted, but they are worth not having the same symptoms daily.

My warning to others is that you *will* feel better but it is not magic. You are trading one set of problems for another- the trick is to make sure the new problems are less emotionally difficult. For example, I have to explain to others that my mom isn’t dead, she just isn’t involved in our lives. On the rare occasions she cannot be avoided, I run interference to apologize for her rude or bad behavior in advance and to protect my children from her. There is a lot of isolation because except for the absolute closest friends (and sometimes not even those), explaining abuse and estrangement to those who haven’t experienced it results in a lot of incredulity, disbelief, and guilt.

I am sad but I am not hurt, abused, angry, frightened or threatened. So it’s a comfortable and safe kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

I could have written so many of these responses and my heart goes out to all of you.

I waited to go NC until I was 39 and should have done it the second I left home. The secret rage, physical and mental abuse, manipulation and gaslighting left me with horrible boundary and trust issues that's I'm still working through nearly 7 years later. Like a PP, what forced my hand was the desire to protect my children even more than the desire to protect myself, at the time. After seeing my mother reduce 7yo DD to tears (yet again) with her callous and reckless behavior, something in me just snapped. I had been working up to the decision for some time and in that moment felt an intense sense of calm and peace in my choice. Truth be told, it was the first time I felt empowered enough to make a choice with regard to her.

As a parent I put in conscious effort every day to be the opposite of her. I have a great marriage and an amazing family. We are close-knit and happy and, had I allowed my mother to continue to be in my life, she would still be doing everything in her power to undermine what we've built together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written so many of these responses and my heart goes out to all of you.

I waited to go NC until I was 39 and should have done it the second I left home. The secret rage, physical and mental abuse, manipulation and gaslighting left me with horrible boundary and trust issues that's I'm still working through nearly 7 years later. Like a PP, what forced my hand was the desire to protect my children even more than the desire to protect myself, at the time. After seeing my mother reduce 7yo DD to tears (yet again) with her callous and reckless behavior, something in me just snapped. I had been working up to the decision for some time and in that moment felt an intense sense of calm and peace in my choice. Truth be told, it was the first time I felt empowered enough to make a choice with regard to her.

As a parent I put in conscious effort every day to be the opposite of her. I have a great marriage and an amazing family. We are close-knit and happy and, had I allowed my mother to continue to be in my life, she would still be doing everything in her power to undermine what we've built together.

+1
this is me too. look, my family of origin story is sad, it will never be not sad. i had to free myself to survive.