Did you feel better after going no-contact with your mom?
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Anonymous
My husband is at this point with my MIL. He feels very badly for days after speaking with her and right as he’s feeling better it’s time for the next obligatory phone call and the cycle continues. He told me today that he finally feels really to just stop speaking with her altogether (believe me, he’s tried and tried everything to work their issues with each other out and it hasn’t changed their dynamic at all). I’m just wondering if he might have terrible regrets from doing this and I wondered if anyone here could enlighten me about whether cutting someone out completely can actually make you feel better? Thanks a bunch for any insight. I’m struggling to help him decide what to do 
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Anonymous
| Yes, but it was still hard and very sad. There was less day to day drama and abuse, but still a lot of sadness and grief. It was better than the abuse I was taking from her, though. And I couldn't have my kids around her drugs and alcohol any more. |
Anonymous
| He can also move to very low contact and learn the grey rock method. Tons of articles and books about this. They both helped me a lot over the years. Still, sad to say, the day my mother dies I will let out a huge sigh of relief. 50 years of dealing with a narcissistic, depressed, control freak has been hard. The day I moved away from her was the best day of my life. And the guilt tripping is unreal. I hope he does what he needs to protect himself. Adults don't OWE their parents anything, even though most boomers will insist loudly that they do. Nope. Good luck. I know it's hard. I would support him in any way you can. People who were raised by loving, mentally healthy parents have no idea the damage that comes from growing up in a dysfunctional household. |
Anonymous
| I had a therapist tell me it was a choice I had to make each day, do I regret not being in contact with her? I have no regret and my life is so much better. I this DH is much happier that he doesn't have to deal with the fall out of our former relationship. I have the underlying sadness that I didn't get the mother I needed. Luckily I have a lovely child that I get to give my parental love to, and be attentive to their emotional needs. I know I am not perfect, but I am hyper sensitive to how I parent my child because what I have been through. |
Anonymous
| Short answer, yes. My mother is an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. I went no contact age 22, and I am 34 now. It was still very sad and painful for years. You never get over the grief of not having the parent you wanted, needed, deserved. But I realized I was going to have that pain no matter what, so not having the additional weekly or monthly fresh trauma of more abuse was helpful. Every encounter brought more abuse I had to work through, so by capping it I was eventually able to sort of emotionally work through it all over a number of years, and I would never have been able to do that had I been adding fresh trauma to the pile. I’m sorry for your husband. It’s a very hard road. |
Anonymous
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Just follow his lead and support him in whatever he wants to do. I'd gone no contact with my narcissist mother for 4 years, and then my wife, probably felt bad for her, sent her our family photo Christmas card without my knowledge. Of course, the card was returned unopened with her "Return to Sender" writing on it. I was so upset.
It's been 10 years now, and I'm sad from time to time, mostly because my kids don't have a grandmother. I think in the long run I'm a better husband and father when I don't have to deal with the constant dramas created by my mother. |
Anonymous
| I cut both of my parents off 10 years ago and i don't regret it at all, I would say go for it. |
Anonymous
| I did it for just over a year. It was very liberating and I had zero regrets, in fact I felt freed by it in so many ways. I had more positive than negative thoughts, and became more outgoing with other people outside of the family. If it is going to benefit him in this way I'd say go for it. |
Anonymous
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Yes, I feel better, but it's complicated. I had a emotional hangover every time I visited or called. Sometimes she behaved via text, but eventually the nastygram came. I gradually kept stepping back and setting more boundaries and she got worse and worse. Finally a health crisis in my own life forced me to set the ultimate limit that i will no longer tolerate any of her manipulations. She did it again and that was it.
I spent the first few weeks terrified she would unleash a fury on me like I had never seen either showing up at my door or sending a certified letter. Once I went long enough with my front door, my mailbox and my text-messages being safe spaces again, I could breathe. I slept through the night. It had been years since I slept through the night. I thought getting up to pee was a middle age thing, but for me it was stress. Now most nights I sleep. I get to sleep easier too. I can see now from a distance just how disturbed and abusive my mother is. I wonder how I endured it all for so long. I get fewer migraines. I think my immune system functions better. It's sad, but it was sad and disturbing when we were in contact. It's healthier for my family and I am better wife and parent not having to keep dealing with abuse. I recall seeing posts about how disturbing it is so many people get therapy and take meds. I disagree. What is disturbing is people like my mother who refuse to get help for their mental health issues. I could finally stop therapy when I went NC with her,. |
Anonymous
| How close geographically is she? If she is in reasonable driving distance, just bc he goes no contact doesn’t mean she will accept it. She may try to force contact by mail, showing up in person, showing up at kids’ events, pestering other family members about you or using them to send things to you or get pictures of you/your kids from them, and generally making things really difficult for you. Are you prepared to deal with this? |
Anonymous
| I feel so much safer after stopping contact. Agree that sometimes it is hard and I do have some guilt, but in general my life is much happier and healthier. |
Anonymous
| He should talk to a therapist so he can learn how to talk to his mom without feeling like shit. Going no-contact is a really big deal and can be damaging to him, too. It's an extreme decision for extreme situations. I hope he can figure out how to unravel what makes him feel bad when he talks to her, or block it out. That is preferable to going no-contact. |
Anonymous
OP here, she lives about a 10 hour drive away and does these things to some extent already as my husband has tried to pull back and set boundaries over the last 5 or so years. So, unfortunately, we have already been dealing with this. If this is the way it is, I just want him to at least feel better day to day and not be in a constant state of stress, and I think that he feels like zero contact will accomplish that for him. I’ll support him in anything, I just want him to be ok in whatever road he chooses. Thanks for the input everyone. |
Anonymous
He’s been going to therapy for this for years and as he’s steadily worked through his issues, she’s declined mentally to the point where he is constantly chasing new issues with her to resolve. But yeah, if he wants to keep trying to work on it, I’ll support him in that too. Thank you. |
Anonymous
| My mother died last fall, and while I'm very sad she died with our relationship not being in a good place and us not being close, I tried EVERYTHING. I did all I could, and it got to a point where I had to set boundaries to preserve my own mental health. |