Morbidly obese SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in a family shouldn't "MYOB". It is not judgemental to care about someone clearly ruining their health and their future. There has to be a way to help obese SIL without it being "meddling." This is family. SIL is using food the way some people use drugs or alcohol. She needs help.

I don't know what to tell you, OP. There are a lot of weird psychological issues that go into being obese. Ask a counselor for help.

Good for your for caring about your SIL. Too many emotionally sterile people on this board who do not overlap with anyone, not even their own family members. Really weird.

Thks. This is OP. Honestly I'm surprised at the amount of hate I have received here. They are accusing me of being jealous of her, people are calling me a troll, and meddling and go to hell etcm we legit love her and have always been concerned for years but never expressed it BC it's nnally all catching up and this post I did was facilitated by the fact that my BIL asked us to have an intervention help. BC we are close. But we have not and don't feel comfortable doing so but we're just questioning if we should. I really do love my SIL.

So, have you even tried approaching her quietly on your own, not in the context of some grand intervention, but to just, you know..* see how she is? * Because even you can’t be clueless enough to think it’s about chicken tenders if any of your story follows true.

OP here. Have never tried approaching her quietly on the side BC ii always felt that weight is such a sensitive issue for people and bring that I am not obese I didn't feel like I've walked her walk. Honestly I would be so much more likely to discuss with her had I been obese say and was losing weight.

So, you don’t check in with her to see how she is doing as a human being, who may be going through something, just because she’s overweight? You somehow think that someone going from slender to morbidly obese is just about cooking? You can’t draw in a moment of empathy because you’ve never been overweight.

Of course, it makes NO sense to check in quietly about someone you supposedly care about about their general state of being, so having an intervention with three of you *specifically about her obesity* is certainly a better approach.

OP here. I've known her for 25 years and we talk over the years about many many things relating to life challenges etc. We just don't talk about weight BC she's never brought it up. It isn't just about being obese. Sitting on the sofa all day long watching daytime TV. Depression, boredom, hypothyroid, this is a symptom of bigger issues which I recognize as multifaceted. That's one reason why I am hesitant to have a sit-down here with her to discuss obesity.

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of overweight people on here flaming you. shift through to get the morsels of good feedback, ignore the rest.

[Anonymous]

Her DH should do what my aunt did. Both she and my uncle worked, and she is actually a pretty good cook, so most of the time there was a healthy home cooked meal in the fridge. But my uncle chose to spend his free time on the sofa watching TV and stuffing himself with junk food and his weight ballooned, and health problems started to creep up. My aunt sat him down and calmly told him that in her opinion, in sickness and health does not apply to self inflicted wounds, and should something happen to him because of his eating habits, she'll be out of there pronto, and, besides, even if she were kind enough to stay, she physically can't push his weight in a wheelchair or turn him over. Scared the crap out of him and pushed him to start taking care of himself.

(The uncle is my mom's brother, our whole family applauded the aunt).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her DH asked us to sit down with her. But we are reluctant to. Don't know why I'm getting all this hate here. It is very sad to see her dealing with diabetes hypertension etc now.

OP, either you didn't mention that part about her DH, or in the TL;DR category people missed that. The bolded is the most important piece.

That said, in reality there is nothing you can do about this. The DH can talk to her, her brother can say her DH is concerned is there any way he can help. And that is just a maybe. People who are in a bad cycle rarely are going to suddenly change because someone mentions it to them.

The reality is she is probably depressed for some reason, unhappy, unfilled in her life, and it is now so far beyond knowing how to start fixing it that she doesn't even try.

She has to want to fix it, then put a plan together of baby steps.

I think most people caught it, but aren’t in the mood to enable workaholic avoidant DH in managing his own household affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DCUM has a very unhealthy taboo over never engaging with people who are overweight. There was a thread recently about an 18 year old who confided in her mother than her doctor had told her she was overweight, and the response was for the mother to not say a word to help her child. Pretty unfathomable to me. Here it's the same thing. You have an in-law who is literally killing herself slowly, and her husband has asked for your help, but DCUM says no, just watch them slowly die.

None of my friends or family or in-law would ever just stand by and do nothing in such circumstances.

I've been reading DCUM for 10 years, and in my mind, this is one of its most toxic aspects. Please note that DCUM always urges interventions when people are underweight, because they're deathly afraid they might have anorexia! Yet obesity kills way more people...

Well, I’d argue that DCUM posters that have a very unhealthy obsession with weight, especially other people’s weight. One just need just take 5 minutes over at the Diet and exercise board to see the level dysfunction related to food and weight, even very healthy weights that are not borderline underweight.

SIL is MORBIDLY OBESE. If you don't have any obese people in your family, if you really think MORBIDLY OBESE is the same as not hitting the gym enough or eating a pint of ice cream after your kids go to bed and feeling uncomfortable around skinny women because of it, then YOU SHOULD NOT BE POSTING ON THIS THREAD.

Obesity is a real health threat and a psychological problem that is as complex and dangerous as drug use and alcoholism. This is not petty DCUM women judging an extra few pounds. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a lot of overweight people on here flaming you. shift through to get the morsels of good feedback, ignore the rest.

Why do you jump to the idea that only overweight people are flaming the OP? I’m flaming her, and I’m not overweight in the least. I’m flaming her because he lacks social skills, empathy, and is a judgmental human.

[Anonymous]

Some people don’t like to cook. They can do a delivery like Mighty Meals in the DMV. I would work on having healthy dinners first for a while and then see if they would like to learn some simple breakfasts or lunch ideas.

If she has a limited diet, she may have sensory issues. I would not try to make her try all new food AND learn to cook/ plan at the same time. That’s a lot of change. Also she has to want to change. Maybe her DH could just get some healthy delivery for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in a family shouldn't "MYOB". It is not judgemental to care about someone clearly ruining their health and their future. There has to be a way to help obese SIL without it being "meddling." This is family. SIL is using food the way some people use drugs or alcohol. She needs help.

I don't know what to tell you, OP. There are a lot of weird psychological issues that go into being obese. Ask a counselor for help.

Good for your for caring about your SIL. Too many emotionally sterile people on this board who do not overlap with anyone, not even their own family members. Really weird.

Thks. This is OP. Honestly I'm surprised at the amount of hate I have received here. They are accusing me of being jealous of her, people are calling me a troll, and meddling and go to hell etcm we legit love her and have always been concerned for years but never expressed it BC it's nnally all catching up and this post I did was facilitated by the fact that my BIL asked us to have an intervention help. BC we are close. But we have not and don't feel comfortable doing so but we're just questioning if we should. I really do love my SIL.

It's no use, OP. DCUM is over-run by people who are triggered any time they sense you're judging their wobble. They have no problem judging skinny people, but the double standard doesn't faze them.

Do whatever you need to do, with all the compassion you can muster.

Yep, nothing like morally superior passive aggression about obesity to show your own virtue right?

I’m team SIL, and I have no wobble, but thanks for providing how awful human beings really are to people who are overweight.

How is it awful to try to help her? She may thank OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a thought: go to hell, and look for a clue on your way.

Wow, what???

Wow, what? OP is living in 2022 and still somehow hasn’t figured out that someone else’s weight, diet or lifestyle:
A) None of her business
B) Not something to gossip about

OP was not looking to be helpful or kind. She is using the Internet to smugly take down her SIL. She wants to air all her petty, judgmental, mean little feelings. And I’m calling her on it.

I read this differently. She’s concerned about her SIL AND her BIL. Their health isn’t good. Food is an addiction and clearly this isn’t a healthy situation. If SIL was strung out on heroin, family would get involved. I agree it can be in the form of having healthy food delivered and should not be shaming, but we have to stop believing that killing yourself slowly with food is somehow more acceptable than killing yourself slowly with alcohol.

OP, start small, be supportive of your BIL’s attempts to be healthy and please don’t tell your SIL she is lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DCUM has a very unhealthy taboo over never engaging with people who are overweight. There was a thread recently about an 18 year old who confided in her mother than her doctor had told her she was overweight, and the response was for the mother to not say a word to help her child. Pretty unfathomable to me. Here it's the same thing. You have an in-law who is literally killing herself slowly, and her husband has asked for your help, but DCUM says no, just watch them slowly die.

None of my friends or family or in-law would ever just stand by and do nothing in such circumstances.

I've been reading DCUM for 10 years, and in my mind, this is one of its most toxic aspects. Please note that DCUM always urges interventions when people are underweight, because they're deathly afraid they might have anorexia! Yet obesity kills way more people...

Well, I’d argue that DCUM posters that have a very unhealthy obsession with weight, especially other people’s weight. One just need just take 5 minutes over at the Diet and exercise board to see the level dysfunction related to food and weight, even very healthy weights that are not borderline underweight.

SIL is MORBIDLY OBESE. If you don't have any obese people in your family, if you really think MORBIDLY OBESE is the same as not hitting the gym enough or eating a pint of ice cream after your kids go to bed and feeling uncomfortable around skinny women because of it, then YOU SHOULD NOT BE POSTING ON THIS THREAD.

Obesity is a real health threat and a psychological problem that is as complex and dangerous as drug use and alcoholism. This is not petty DCUM women judging an extra few pounds. Get a clue.

It’s people like you and OP who do not see morbid obesity as the health concern it really is. OP has never checked in on the mental health of her SIL In the 20 years of her becoming morbidly obese. She’s just concerned now because SIL is actually fat. She has clearly been suffering this thing FOR QUITE SOME TIME, but no one thought to do anything about it until she was fully, unavoidably fat, because apparently no one cares about a suffering human until they are at rock bottom. Like all the people who post on here about concerns about their drinking, or people reaching out in loneliness who everyone tells to buck up, stop being a snowflake, just keep suffering.

OP is acting like this is about fat, and anyone who knows about addiction or mental illness knows that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people don’t like to cook. They can do a delivery like Mighty Meals in the DMV. I would work on having healthy dinners first for a while and then see if they would like to learn some simple breakfasts or lunch ideas.

If she has a limited diet, she may have sensory issues. I would not try to make her try all new food AND learn to cook/ plan at the same time. That’s a lot of change. Also she has to want to change. Maybe her DH could just get some healthy delivery for himself.

OP here. Mighty meals is great. Part of the problem with SIL is that she literally won't eat anything but 5-6 things. Certain brand of frozen pizza, Tyson's frozen tenders, ballpark hotdogs, pepsi and captain crunch. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could buy them a six-month subscription to Blue Apron or similar?

This is a good idea. Make it about the DH trying to get healthy. Make the subscription something as easy as possible to eat so SIL will start eating it. DH should refuse to get her junk food on the way home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DCUM has a very unhealthy taboo over never engaging with people who are overweight. There was a thread recently about an 18 year old who confided in her mother than her doctor had told her she was overweight, and the response was for the mother to not say a word to help her child. Pretty unfathomable to me. Here it's the same thing. You have an in-law who is literally killing herself slowly, and her husband has asked for your help, but DCUM says no, just watch them slowly die.

None of my friends or family or in-law would ever just stand by and do nothing in such circumstances.

I've been reading DCUM for 10 years, and in my mind, this is one of its most toxic aspects. Please note that DCUM always urges interventions when people are underweight, because they're deathly afraid they might have anorexia! Yet obesity kills way more people...

Well, I’d argue that DCUM posters that have a very unhealthy obsession with weight, especially other people’s weight. One just need just take 5 minutes over at the Diet and exercise board to see the level dysfunction related to food and weight, even very healthy weights that are not borderline underweight.

SIL is MORBIDLY OBESE. If you don't have any obese people in your family, if you really think MORBIDLY OBESE is the same as not hitting the gym enough or eating a pint of ice cream after your kids go to bed and feeling uncomfortable around skinny women because of it, then YOU SHOULD NOT BE POSTING ON THIS THREAD.

Obesity is a real health threat and a psychological problem that is as complex and dangerous as drug use and alcoholism. This is not petty DCUM women judging an extra few pounds. Get a clue.

It’s people like you and OP who do not see morbid obesity as the health concern it really is. OP has never checked in on the mental health of her SIL In the 20 years of her becoming morbidly obese. She’s just concerned now because SIL is actually fat. She has clearly been suffering this thing FOR QUITE SOME TIME, but no one thought to do anything about it until she was fully, unavoidably fat, because apparently no one cares about a suffering human until they are at rock bottom. Like all the people who post on here about concerns about their drinking, or people reaching out in loneliness who everyone tells to buck up, stop being a snowflake, just keep suffering.

OP is acting like this is about fat, and anyone who knows about addiction or mental illness knows that.

Sorry, last sentence should read “knows that isn’t the case at all”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could buy them a six-month subscription to Blue Apron or similar?

This is a good idea. Make it about the DH trying to get healthy. Make the subscription something as easy as possible to eat so SIL will start eating it. DH should refuse to get her junk food on the way home.

OP here. I like this idea. But it only works if all are on board. Including her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DCUM has a very unhealthy taboo over never engaging with people who are overweight. There was a thread recently about an 18 year old who confided in her mother than her doctor had told her she was overweight, and the response was for the mother to not say a word to help her child. Pretty unfathomable to me. Here it's the same thing. You have an in-law who is literally killing herself slowly, and her husband has asked for your help, but DCUM says no, just watch them slowly die.

None of my friends or family or in-law would ever just stand by and do nothing in such circumstances.

I've been reading DCUM for 10 years, and in my mind, this is one of its most toxic aspects. Please note that DCUM always urges interventions when people are underweight, because they're deathly afraid they might have anorexia! Yet obesity kills way more people...

Well, I’d argue that DCUM posters that have a very unhealthy obsession with weight, especially other people’s weight. One just need just take 5 minutes over at the Diet and exercise board to see the level dysfunction related to food and weight, even very healthy weights that are not borderline underweight.

SIL is MORBIDLY OBESE. If you don't have any obese people in your family, if you really think MORBIDLY OBESE is the same as not hitting the gym enough or eating a pint of ice cream after your kids go to bed and feeling uncomfortable around skinny women because of it, then YOU SHOULD NOT BE POSTING ON THIS THREAD.

Obesity is a real health threat and a psychological problem that is as complex and dangerous as drug use and alcoholism. This is not petty DCUM women judging an extra few pounds. Get a clue.

It’s people like you and OP who do not see morbid obesity as the health concern it really is. OP has never checked in on the mental health of her SIL In the 20 years of her becoming morbidly obese. She’s just concerned now because SIL is actually fat. She has clearly been suffering this thing FOR QUITE SOME TIME, but no one thought to do anything about it until she was fully, unavoidably fat, because apparently no one cares about a suffering human until they are at rock bottom. Like all the people who post on here about concerns about their drinking, or people reaching out in loneliness who everyone tells to buck up, stop being a snowflake, just keep suffering.

OP is acting like this is about fat, and anyone who knows about addiction or mental illness knows that.

Sorry, last sentence should read “knows that isn’t the case at all”.

This is how addiction goes. It starts with normal use, then slowly, quietly escalates until people wonder if there is a problem but decide there isn't. A few more Thanksgiving and Christmas family gatherings come and go. A few people become aware. A few more years go by. The issue becomes obvious but no one wants to say anything. Finally it's at crisis level and there is an intervention.

The only reason this is any different -- for YOU -- is because yes, this is about FAT. Somehow saying someone is FAT is horrible but saying they are an alcoholic is okay? It's really, REALLY hard to deal with family dynamics around addiction. No need to jump all over OP simply because her issue is a SIL who is so fat she is cutting her life short. Yes, I said it. FAT.